The Beginning of the End

I think my time as a nursing mom is coming to an end.  After three months of on and off strikes, supplementing with bottles, and worrying if my supply is down, if Otis is getting enough, etc, we are now down to one nursing a day, er night.  Just the night feeding is me, the other two are bottles. 

I have mixed feelings.  Brendan asked me if I was sad when I told him I hadn't nursed the whole day and I thought it was maybe going to be the end of breastfeeding.  I'm not sad really.  I don't really know what I feel.  I kind of feel like a failure for not making it a year.  I kind of feel like I should be trying harder, which means I'm giving up, and no one wants to be a quitter.

But then I feel like it just doesn't matter that much.  Otis is growing and healthy and has had nine months of mama milk.  I know it's kind of a cop out, but that's better than nothing right?  It's just getting so stressful, worrying if he's getting anything, watching him suck at what seems to be an empty breast.  Pumping and getting nothing, and then getting confused because should that tell me I'm right that I might not have much milk coming in, or should I not pay attention to pumping because it's not like the real thing?

Blah.  I don't know.  It's easier to breastfeed, for sure, but then it's kind of nice looking at that bottle, seeing it go from 8oz to 6 to 4 to empty, knowing he's got a full belly.  It's strange not actually feeling him eating, though.  I just see his mouth working but I don't feel it!  It's very strange. 

How long did your kids nurse?  Did you ever slow down like this and then pick back up, or when it went down to one nursing, did it stay that way? 

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

I just saw it's World Breastfeeding Week!  Yay.  Someone on Facebook asked the question "what do you love about breastfeeding?"  Let me tell you:

1. I don't have to worry about water temp.  Not to hot, not too cold.  I hate when the bottle temp is wrong and his royal highness gags like I'm giving him sewage sludge. 

2. No clumps!  Nothing like trying to stir and shake a bottle and have clumps that clog the nipple.  If it won't dissolve in water, what's it doing to my kid's intestines?

3. My nipples are always on right.  Otis' bottles have a vented nipple that you have to have on just right to get the vent to work. 

4. No fumbling around at 3am making a magical potion, spilling formula all over the counter, that ends up being sticky and gross the next day.  My magical potion is ready made and easy to get to in the middle of the night.

5. Special treatment :)  We were at a baseball game this weekend, it was HOTTTT and sweaty, and I got to go to the First Aid room and sit behind a curtain on a comfy chair in the air conditioning so I could nurse Otis.  There were three other moms there and we were all laughing how we weren't in any hurry for our babes to stop eating, since that would mean we had to go back out in the heat. 

6. Looking down and seeing this:

Hello, happy baby!!

A Couple Updates

First of all, an update on our family time.  I think we've been doing pretty well at it.  Brendan has been taking little bike rides after the kids are in bed, so he gets some alone time.  I have been sleeping when Otis does on Saturday mornings, so that helps me catch up on some sleep.  And I also just had to show Brendan that family time does not have to happen only on the weekend and does not have to include a trip somewhere. 

For example, I was sitting in our bed with both kids, we were reading bedtime books.  Otis was smiling and giggling at Ingrid, she was kissing his hands to get another laugh, and I just thought, okay, here's family time.  Where was Brendan?  Out on the computer.  So I called him in and told him if he wanted family time, he'd have to be around his family, not in the other room.

This weekend has been super fun.  We went to the children's museum with friends, so Brendan took Ingrid around while I sat in the baby area and talked to a friend.  It was family time but also hanging out time.  I got some sewing done while Brendan played with the kids in the backyard.  He's out right now by himself.  I feel like this weekend we did a good job balancing.  Who knows if it will last, but it works right now!

I think Otis getting older is helping.  I know Brendan used to feel helpless when Otis was a newborn because he couldn't feed him.  He couldn't figure out how to calm him down.  But now Otis is a lot easier to figure out, he doesn't cry very often, and I've been trying to make sure I'm not the only one putting him down to bed.  I did that with Ingrid and I'm totally regretting she never got used to anyone else putting her to bed!

Which brings us to Otis and feedings.  He's been pretty good about nursing, he does most of the time.  But sometimes, like today, his teeth are killing him and he just refuses.  So he gets a bottle.  It's not often, and I don't really mind.  I wish I didn't have to, but I also don't want to deal with a screaming baby.  We seem to have figured it out.  He's eating solids three times a day now and that helps, too.  Not every single feed has to be from me, Brendan can help with those. 

Ingrid is enjoying her Montessori program.  She cried when we left her last week, though, it broke my heart.  The teachers said two seconds after I was gone she was fine, so I guess it's not that big of a deal.  She comes home with lots of stories about her new little friends, and tons of paintings.  What the hell do you do with all these paintings??  We hung some up in the kitchen, I'm going to save some for wrapping gifts for the grandparents, and I will recycle the rest I guess. 

I have to get her signed up for the K3 Montessori still.  I tried to go there last week but no one was there.  Can't get a hold of anyone on the phone.  The message says their hours are 7-4 but I think that's not during July.  The school is in a shitty neighborhood and it made me sad that I was hesitant about sending her there.  The teachers are awesome, why do I care if there's ghetto apartments across the street?  Am I a snob?  Either way, if we can get her into the neighborhood Montessori next year we will.  I'd much rather walk her to school than drive her downtown...

Anyway, that's our news.  Or non-news, really.  It's not very exciting.  It's lazy summer, we're pretty happy and everyone's healthy.  We're enjoying being in Milwaukee, and we're excited about buying a house soon. 

Family Size

We had the talk last night.  Are we done, for sure, having kids??  I think we are.  Brendan is anyway.  I'm about 80% sure.  And when we were deciding on whether or not to have another after Ingrid, I was 80% sure I wanted one.  So...I think we're done. 

I have to wrap my mind around that one.

A few people I know are pregnant right now for number 3, and even though Otis is still a baby, I was a little envious when I found out.  Then I found out another friend is pregnant for number 2 and she got pregnant when her baby was Otis' age.  Sigh...I hate being pregnant, I'm remembering last summer how sick I was, how miserable I was in the heat even though I wasn't big.  How life seemed to stop while I laid on the couch for months at a time.  And let's not forget the whole three week hospital bedrest ordeal!  And yet I'm envious of pregnant women??  What's that all about?

We were dead set on having an only child, and I do have to say I'm glad we changed our minds.  Watching Ingrid be a big sister is amazing, she loves to make Otis laugh and talks baby talk to him.  Yesterday morning she got up and said "Where's my Otis boy?"  And Otis is nothing but smiles for his big sister, even though she's not gentle with him at all.  He gets smacked in the face by her foot or gets a hug that suffocates him, and all he does is gurgles and smiles like it's the best thing in the world.

So another one?  I could do it.  I loved this past six months with Otis.  Using the Moby, nursing him, sharing a bed with him.  He's now settling down for naps on his own, bedtime on his own, he can sit in his Bumbo for a half hour or so at a time, or on his play gym and be content while I get things done.  By the time another Bub would be here, he'd be walking and eating solid food and would be a toddler!  So yeah, I could do it.

But Brendan says he doesn't want to.  And I can see the pros of being done now.  I could finally lose all the weight I've gained birthin' babies.  Ingrid will be off to school soon and it'll be just me and the Fat Man.  We can sort of travel right now, we have a parent for each child so it makes it easier to keep an eye on them.  It's kind of like we have the best of both worlds--our kids each have a sibling and we still have a relatively calm household. 

It's just hard to say never.  I've heard women say they just knew when they were done, they knew their families were complete.  I don't have that gut reaction, I could still imagine another one.  But I also am enjoying our new life back in Milwaukee, the idea of buying a house and making it our home.  I don't really want to be pregnant for another one.  So, I guess we're done. 

On Strike

Well, it seems Otis is on a nursing strike.  Today after his first feeding after he got up, he refused to nurse every single time.  Blech.  I just hate it!  He gets all fussy and then when I try to feed him, he dives in and seconds later is screaming his head off because my letdown is slow.  I try to stay calm and get him to try a little harder but it just pisses him off more.  So after about fifteen minutes of this, off to the kitchen I go to make a bottle...and then he just sucks it down in no time at all and falls asleep or lets out a big burp and a smile.

So.

I want to nurse him for at least a year, that has been my goal.  And I really love to be able to feed him and have it be so easy and without needing anything but a nursing bra.  I looked online and there are all these women talking about how their kids did the same thing and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one.  The doctor even said it was really normal for babies his age to start to resist because of teeth and just their newfound awareness of the exciting world around them.  Okay, it's normal, sigh of relief. 

But then...I read what the women end up doing to get through the strike and some of these women are pumping every three hours for months at a time and giving them breast milk in a syringe and all this craziness.  Am I selfish for really really not wanting to do that?  I did the whole pumping thing and I hated it.  I was hooked up to that thing all the time, and I swore once I didn't have to do it anymore, I never would.  But here I was today pumping three times.  And swearing the whole time.

So, how much do I want to continue?  And why am I even worrying so much?  He's getting fed, he seems happy and healthy no matter where it's coming from, shouldn't that be the most important thing?  But I have all these hang ups like I'm failing if I don't try harder to keep him going.  And then I think f**k it, isn't it better to feed him and see him calmed down than trying to nurse him and watching him scream?

I guess I'll just keep trying to nurse first, then if he really gets upset give him a bottle.  And hopefully he will get over it and we'll go about our merry way and nurse for another year.  

Thank You, Thank You!

Update on the nursing strike--Otis is fine.  He has sucked on a frozen washcloth and been fine.  When he really pitched a fit last night after a hot sticky day, we just gave him a bottle and he fell asleep.  I am not going to fret about it. 

I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented--it made me feel so much better knowing I wasn't the only one to go through it and that it was a small setback and not the end of our nursing!  Isn't it funny how you can get yourself so worked up thinking the worst case scenario?? 

I really don't know what I'd do without a computer.  My first thought when this happened was to write a blog post.  And I posted in a mom's group on Facebook.  And I went to some websites people had recommended.  It's amazing how a few hours later I had some feedback and felt so much better!  Thank you.

Help With Nursing Please.

Otis is refusing to nurse lately.  He acts hungry, will suck for about two seconds and then get frustrated and stop.  On both sides.  Not all the time, but it's been a few times in the past couple days.  I finally break down and give him a bottle and he'll suck down 8oz. 

He is just five months and is teething, so I don't know if that's what it is, but it is really frustrating me!  I do not want to give him formula.  If I pump I don't get very much.  I want to nurse him for seven more months at least!!  What do I do? 

Please help, I am hating every bottle I feed him, knowing I have milk flowing from me.  He just isn't taking it.

Another Post About the Second Kid

I'm still enjoying the fact that I'm way more laid back about Otis.  Every day I realize how things change and we go with the flow and change what we need to and I just don't stress.  His "bed time" which I use loosely, is ever changing.  I usually get him ready and then bundle him up in a blanket and either nurse him to sleep or he hangs out in my arms for awhile and eventually falls asleep while I'm snuggled on the couch.  Then when I'm ready for bed I bring him in with me. 

With Ingrid I would rock her and feed her and she would take forever to fall asleep and I would get so irritated because the day had been super long and I just wanted to relax finally.  I would put her in bed and listen to her cry and sigh and go back in.  It was stressful. 

Naptimes are similar.  I put Otis in the Moby and go about our way in the morning, either cleaning the house or doing laundry or walking to the park.  Whatever the case, Otis falls asleep almost instantly and will sleep for an hour or so.  I never pay attention to how long he's been sleeping.  This happens a couple times a day, he sleeps here and there in the Moby or in my arms while I try to rest in the afternoon.  I don't pay attention to how many naps he gets, or how long they are.  I don't worry about how much sleep he's getting or not getting, I just go by his personality.  If he seems like he needs to sleep, I put him in the Moby and walk around. 

With Ingrid I would try to put her down for her naps at the same time every day, I was stuck at home for nap time.  I would freak out if she didn't fall asleep right away or sleep for long enough or especially if she didn't sleep at all.  Worry worry worry.  Is that inevitable in the life of a first time mom?? 

Otis is also just fed whenever.  I don't know if it's been one hour, three hours, four hours.  I just hear him get fussy, try to figure out which side he should be on, and nurse him.  And again, I follow his moods and he lets me know when he needs to eat. 

With Ingrid I bottle fed and therefore was so concerned with how many ounces she was consuming, I knew in x-amount of hours I had to feed her.  And oh man, just having to travel with bottles and formula and water, it was so much extra work.  I'm so glad to be breast feeding this time around!

It sounds like I am regretting what I did with Ingrid, and that's not really true.  Sure I wish I had known I could've nursed  her with my meds, and yes I wish I had known about babywearing sooner than six months old.  But I did the best I could, and believe it or not, I still consider myself to have been a laid back first time mom.  I'm just realizing how much I've learned in the past three years and how much my parenting style has changed and how much better this works for me.

What have you done differently with baby number 2 or 3? 

So Well Put...

I just read this story over here about how bodies can be sexual and also practical, and it just cracked me up.  The part about shaking hands and thinking of the people masturbating with the hands is so funny and SO TRUE!!  And it made me feel better about this whole after baby/sex thing.  Honestly I feel no urge to do it again, being that I am a milk cow on call 24/7, but this changed my point of view a bit.  I can be a mom and have sex, I just have to compartmentalize.  My husband will be happy to hear that.

Formula vs. Breast Milk

When I first had Otis, I was determined to only feed him breastmilk.  However, with him being in the NICU and me not having any milk come in for four days, I said it was okay to give him a little formula.  But my main source of nutrition was still to be the mama milk that came flowing in days later.  For the most part I was able to use my pumped milk, but I did supplement with formula.  At the time, Otis was so tiny and needed to gain weight and they told me his formula was higher in calorie content so he needed it.  I'm okay with that in the short term, I saw how he got when we had him home the first week.  He wasn't strong enough to nurse, he needed to be bottle fed.  Fine.

But now, weeks later, the fat man is almost six pounds and strong as can be.  I would technically be 37wks along if I were still pregnant and he'd be considered full term.  So why is it that the doctor was determined Otis needed high calorie formula to gain weight??  I had to go to the NICU to get special preemie formula they don't sell at the stores, the doctor was adamant he needed the extra calories.  I asked if he could still get breast milk and she said he really should be getting formula. 

However, me being me, I stuck to giving him the breast milk and only used the formula bottles for midnight feedings, so maybe two feedings a day were the formula.  And what do you know, he gained more than he needed to this past weekend!  So you can take your high calorie formula and shove it...

I am not against formula, I fed Ingrid the stuff for a year.  But I hate the idea of telling women they have to use it for their baby to grow.  Last time I checked breast milk was made specifically for babies. 

Facebook had a nurse in last week and I posted a picture of myself nursing Otis, with a caption saying he's a preemie and nursed right out of the NICU.  Someone posted how her friend had a preemie and was told over and over she HAD to use high calorie formula for her kid.  It just got me thinking this is probably a common occurence and that makes me sad.  I want to know exactly how much better preemies do at gaining weight with formula vs. breast milk.  Anyone know?  I'll have to look it up.

Anyway, my bub is doing fine, he's getting fatter and stronger by the day, and it's all thanks to my mama milk that I lovingly pump every four hours.  Not the stinky, staining Enfamil they sent me home with, thank you very much.

Another Post About My Boobs.

Otis is home!!  We got to get him last night, and he has done really well today.  He is much easier to wake now, he stays alert for longer periods of time, and he is eating so well.  I still have to pump to make sure my milk supply gets better, but I also get to nurse him, which is still pretty awesome.  Afterward we have to supplement with a bottle to make sure he gets enough, but it's nice I'm allowed to nurse him.  At the NICU yesterday a mom was asking to nurse her daughter and they told her she'd have to see how her daughter's heart rate was first.  How sad, to not be able to do what you want with your kids.  It's so hard.

But little man is doing well, I'm making more milk already today, and that Mother's Milk tea is actually pretty tasty, so I don't mind drinking a couple cups a day.  If I can just get through this next couple weeks until Otis is at his due date and hopefully catches up to being a "normal" kid, things will be smooth sailing!!

Pumping Sucks.

Ha!  Get it?  Pumping sucks?  True on so many levels...

Anyway, Otis ended up back in the NICU last week with a really low temp and no weight gain.  So I'm back to pumping milk to bring to him at the hospital.  Yesterday I met with the lactation consultant and she told me how much milk I'm supposed to be producing and I cringed.  I'm not doing so well apparently.  I tend to get busy and let time slip by and before I know it, five hours has passed between sessions.  Today I have made it my goal to pump every two and a half hours. 

That takes up my whole freakin' day!!  By the time I'm done and clean up my supplies, it's almost time to do it again.  I can see why people give up so easily in the early days and just go to bottles!  But I am determined to get this thing established so I can nurse Otis when he gets home.  DETERMINED!!  That is one thing the L.C. told me was that it's more about the mom sticking to it than actual milk supply.  If you want to nurse, you usually can.  It's just about being willing to give up your days to the demand of sitting there hooked up like a milk cow...

Luckily Ingrid is enthralled with the pump and wants to help.  She loves to plug in the tubes and "turn on the noise" and if I do it without her she has a fit!  What a strange little girl!  First she's obsessed with cloth wipes, now she's obsessed with breast pumps :)  What am I doing to my poor child??  She is always talking about boob milk and baby milk and feeding her babies with her boobs, it's so funny to hear her.  I guess that's what happens when you're open and honest about things with your kids! 

Hopefully Otis will be released today or tomorrow (they keep pushing it back one more day...) and then I won't have to pump anymore.  I cannot wait until this kid is fat enough to take home and strong enough to eat what he needs to!  I keep forgetting how tiny he really is.  My due date isn't for another 26 days, so I need to remember that.  But he'll make it, and we'll have a long time to nurse after he comes home. 

Oh Nursing, How I Love You.

Oops, I forgot about this blog for awhile...But I've had stuff going on, forgive me.  First of all, Otis is here!  He came December 16th at 33wks and 4days.  Read all about it here.  He stayed in the NICU for four days and then was discharged just in time for Christmas!! 

Things have been going really well, he's a good sleeper and overall very mellow.  He barely opens an eye when his big sister screams an inch from his face.  But the best thing is that he has taken to breast feeding like a champ!  The first week was hard, we supplemented with formula while he was in the hospital and I had to pump every three hours to make sure my milk came in.  It did.  He still didn't get latching on though, so I was using bottles.  I hated it.  I hated having to pump, I hated the whole washing twenty pieces of plastic and sterilizing them and then being able to finally feed the poor kid. 

But now, almost two weeks later, Otis is latching on and feeding.  Sigh of relief!  It is the most amazing thing ever.  I didn't nurse Ingrid, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything.  We certainly bonded just fine, and I always rocked with her when I gave her a bottle, she never was just given a bottle to hold by herself.  But...this is different.  Feeling every little tug, knowing I'm making this milk just for him, when he needs it.  I feel a lot more emotional about it than I thought I would.  To me, nursing this time around was just going to be cheaper.  But I will be sitting there on the couch with Otis attached to me and I just smile.  I don't know if it's just crazy hormones or what, but it makes me feel so happy that I can do this for him, I can nourish him. 

I love that I can just hold him and feed him without any extra preperation.  No bottles to mix, formula to measure, nothing to fumble around with.  At 2am when he starts squawking, I just lift him from his bassinet and feed him, no big deal.  If we're out and about and he gets hungry, I can feed him, whether I forgot the diaper bag or not.   Cheap, convenient, and it makes me happy.  Can't go wrong with that, can you?  I just wish I had known what I was missing with Ingrid...

I've Gone All Hippy

Thanks to all the wonderful blogs I've been following the past year or so, I have gone all hippy.  Cloth diapering, cloth mama pads, thinking of homeschooling, using slings, breastfeeding baby #2 if I can (and for longer than six months, thank you very much.)  It has been so gradual that I hadn't noticed it much.  And then I talked to old friends and realized how much I've gone over to the crunchy side!

Number One:  Slings.  A friend of mine is very pro stroller, and I respect that.  I was trying to tell her how awesome slings are and how babywearing is so great for the baby.  She just isn't into it.  And then she found the warning about bag slings and said for sure no.  Not for them.  I thought back to when I was pregnant for Ingrid and I'd never even heard of a sling.  I spent hours and hours researching strollers, it was an obsession!  And then we got a front pack and I never used our stroller anyway...And then we got slings and carriers and I just loved them so much.  I loved the feeling of having Ingrid right there, she'd lean back and look at me and smile, I'd kiss her every five steps. 

Number Two:  Cloth Diapers.  I have tried to convince so many people that it's really not that big of a deal!  Again, when I was pregnant I thought about using cloth but the upfront costs really made it seem impossible.  It wasn't until I started really looking at things that I realized that you can do it pretty cheaply, and you can do it part time, and you can get a stash little by little, you don't have to have all 20 diapers at once.  And washing and poop, they are not a big deal.  You get used to it.  And after spending $600 on disposables, I cringe thinking of how many awesome organic diapers I coulda bought with that money!!

Number Three:  Paper products in General.  I use cloth pads now.  It's just a given that with using cloth diapers I suddenly saw how silly it was to use disposable pads.  We also don't use paper napkins--I have cheap washcloths we use, and I just started thrifting some cool old cloth napkins.  I used to think they were for fancy dinners, I don't know why it never occured to me to use them every day!  We also don't use paper towels, which doesn't seem like a big deal to me.  We haven't used them in years.  But a maintenance man came to fix our dishwasher and asked for a paper towel.  I said we don't use them and he gave me such an incredulous look!  But I thought about it and duh, why would you use papaer to soak up a spill?  We don't dry ourselves off with paper bath towels do we?? 

Number Four:  Breastfeeding.  I did not breastfeed Ingrid.  I don't regret it one bit.  She grew and grew and she's smart as hell, and she hasn't had a lot of sickness at all.  But...for baby #2 I am going to do everything in my power to breastfeed him/her.  For one, it's so much better than shelling out $20 for a can of formula that smells and stains everything!  And it's easier to stick a boob in the mouth than fumble around for a bottle and measuring the formula at 2 in the morning.  And one thing I got defensive about with my friends was extended breastfeeding.  I have to admit that when I first saw people nursing their toddlers and tandem nursing, I was freaked out.  I just never saw it before.  It was weird to me, it was different, and I just didn't get it.  But after seeing it around it seems normal to me.  Like why not nurse past six months?  Why stop it at one year exactly?  What's wrong with nursing past what someone deems normal?  This was something not one single friend of mine agreed with me on!  They all thought it was gross, and the mother being selfish not wanting to give it up.  And unneccesary, why not just give the kid "real" milk?  I was really quite surprised, as my friends around here in MI nursed their kids as long as they wanted, they never seemed in a hurry to stop, and were actually sad when it did stop.  It seems strange to me to just stop it and give a kid cow's milk instead of human breast milk...

So there you go, I'm a crunchy hippy and I am proud of it!!  Thank you so much to Sarah and Gina and Sunnymama for showing me a different way of being a parent.  It has helped me be the kind of parent I want to be!