Balancing Life, Does it EVER WORK??

I am feeling so good lately!  I have been super busy and just keeping myself motivated to do stuff.  Awhile ago I was feeling really lethargic and tired all the time.  I got my blood tested to see if I had issues with my thyroid, I took pregnancy tests, I just thought something was off.  Turns out I think I was just a bit depressed. 

Depression really confuses me, and I've dealt with it most of my life.  Sometimes it's obvious, like I'm sad and I'll cry for no reason.  Other times I get blah and tired and it takes me awhile to realize what's going on.  I'll get these intense urges to just run away from my life and start over somewhere new.  Now that I'm a grownup and have a house, a husband and two kids, I know I can't do that, I have to face the issue and deal with it rather than run away like I used to in my 20s. 

Anyway, I realized it was a bit of depression after I had a night out with a friend.  We just sat and had a cup of coffee and caught up with each others lives.  The next day I bounced out of bed and felt so good, I didn't even take a nap with Otis, I had energy and motivation!  So now the key is to keep doing things like that so I feel like myself.  And with that comes the balance of keeping the mister happy, too, since I always feel like I'm living this great life and he's stuck at work or home with the kids while I'm out being a social butterfly.

I have no problem with him going out, mind you.  He just doesn't go that often.  He's such a dude, he complains about not having things to do, but then never calls any of his friends.  He comes home from work and crashes on the couch when the kids are in bed.  Does this mean I should stay and keep him company all the time?  I mean, I would love it if we could go out together, but at the same time I love having time with lady friends and NO KIDS!  That's the thing--I do see my girlfriends during the week when we have playdates or meet up at the community center, but then we're chasing after a gaggle of 2 year olds and you can't have a freakin' conversation to save your life.  It's better than nothing, but it's still not enough sometimes, you know?  I want to sit and talk and be able to follow a thought to the end without having to tell someone to share, stop hitting, wipe a nose, etc. 

This week I had a show, so I was gone one night.  Then today I have to help out at the shop I sell my stuff at, so I'll be gone the whole day.  I mentioned that Monday night there's a mom's night out and the mister got a bit prickly "Oh, so you'll be gone again?"  Part of me really did want to ask for permission so he wouldn't feel like I was just taking off, but then part of me wanted to get pissed like why should I ask permission??  I'm home with these kids 24/7, I don't get to leave and talk to adults or go to the bathroom by myself or eat lunch by myself.  Oh my god, I took a shower while the kids were (I thought) playing nicely together, only to find out as soon as I was in the middle of washing my hair that they had both slammed doors and couldn't get them open (old house...) and each was banging on a door begging to be let out.  I heard all this commotion and screams of "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!" and I just sighed.  I want to wash my hair, is that too much to ask?

But then he is working all day, it's not like he's relaxing.  And then he comes home to the chaos of kids.  And my life is pretty sweet I think, I get to stay home, there is no daycare, I get to sew, I get to stay in my pjs if I want, I get to take a nap with Otis sometimes, I get to be lazy and not sweep or do laundry if I don't feel like it. And yes, the whole playdate thing is not ideal but it is pretty nice to sit and drink coffee with friends even with screaming kids running around.  So I feel bad that I get this amazing stay at home life and I complain about it sometimes.  And then I expect to go out on top of all that. 

There must be a balance and I still have yet to find it.  

Mother's Guilt

Today my husband and I are supposed to drop the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa's and take a little trip to Madison to see friends.  We are leaving the kids there overnight, something we've never done before.  These grandparents live five minutes away and we'll only be an hour away, it's not really that big of a deal, right? 

And yet.

Last night Otis woke up coughing and needed a little snuggle to go back to sleep.  I kept thinking afterward about what if he wakes up at a strange house and gets freaked out and I'm not there?  And he cries and they don't know how to calm him down?  I started thinking maybe Brendan could just go to Madison alone and I'd stay home with the kids.

Wait, what???

Truth is, we need to get away.  My life is so involved with kids 24/7, we need this adult time to hang out with adult friends, drink adult drinks, watch some football (did I just say that????) and not be parents for two seconds.  They will survive.  And by "they" I'm not sure if I mean the grandparents or the kids!!

When I was on bedrest with Otis I remember thinking Ingrid was going to be scarred for life from the three weeks of her not having me, when all she'd ever had was me by her side.  And guess what?  She survived.  She probably shed some tears and felt bad for awhile, but she is most definitely not scarred.  And Otis might not feel the best, and would probably really love it if I were the one to soothe him back to sleep, but he will also survive ONE NIGHT without mama by his side.  And the grandparents probably don't want to be up with a crying kid tonight, which may or may not even happen.  But they, too, will survive one freakin' night, and they can always take a nap the next day...

So, folks, let me shed this mother's guilt and go have fun today!  With my husband and our friends and NO KIDS!

It's Potty Time Again

One of my least favorite parts of parenting is the whole potty learning thing.  Ingrid was pretty easy, I guess, although in retrospect she had a lot of accidents for a long time.  But I got through it.  Now I have to do it all over again with Otis!!  Yikes.

I do not think boy vs. girl is going to be any harder.  Am I naive?  Possibly.  But I do know friends that had boys in undies by age 2, and I've seen some blogs with boys in undies by age 2, so it's not abnormal.  I think ultimately if you are consistent and they start to understand what's going on, it doesn't matter what the gender. 

So someone posted a question about potty training on this mom's group I'm part of on Facebook.  She has a 21 mo. old and is just starting out on her journey, asked for some tips, ideas, stories about others' experiences.  One woman posted this article about the "dangers" of potty training too early.  I was curious, so I read it.  And then I got pissed.  No pun intended.

I am so sick of people trying to scare moms.  We already come with a boat load of guilt about every little thing, please do not use a doctor to scare us into something else.  I will be honest with you, I think this article is ridiculous.  I think the fact that people have been learning how to use a toilet before age 2 for a very long time, and in lots of different cultures and countries, should show that is is normal and okay.  I don't know, I know some kids have issues with pooping, but to use that to say no one should potty train until three or later seems a little off. 

Otis is 19mo now and he is starting to tell us when he has gone.  He will find me and point to his diaper and say "mah-bah" which I have no idea what that means, but every time he does it, he has pooped.  And I let him go diaper free all the time, like I did with Ingrid, and every time he pees, he'll come find me and say "pee" and point to where he did it.  He is learning what's going on, he is connecting the dots between a feeling and what comes after that feeling, and as we go on in the next few months, he'll understand where he's supposed to mah-bah and pee (hopefully not on the floor anymore!!)  I would hope he will learn this before he is three! 

I guess I just don't see how it is dangerous for him to be learning this right now.  He is not being "trained" to hold it and go at a certain time, he is just learning where to go when he gets that feeling.  He does not get a sticker or an M&M when he does it, he is just learning that is how you do it when you are human. 

Anyway, who knows.  Maybe he'll be really tough and never use the potty and then when someone says "he's STILL in diapers??" at age three I'll give them the link to that article and say "I was worried about the dangers."  And let me tell you, I am not judging anyone who waits--I think like with most things in parenting, you read the signs your child gives you.  If he's ready, you go for it.  If he's not, you don't.  But to say you shouldn't follow the lead of your child because it might be dangerous, that's just unneccesary.

The Beginning of the End

I think my time as a nursing mom is coming to an end.  After three months of on and off strikes, supplementing with bottles, and worrying if my supply is down, if Otis is getting enough, etc, we are now down to one nursing a day, er night.  Just the night feeding is me, the other two are bottles. 

I have mixed feelings.  Brendan asked me if I was sad when I told him I hadn't nursed the whole day and I thought it was maybe going to be the end of breastfeeding.  I'm not sad really.  I don't really know what I feel.  I kind of feel like a failure for not making it a year.  I kind of feel like I should be trying harder, which means I'm giving up, and no one wants to be a quitter.

But then I feel like it just doesn't matter that much.  Otis is growing and healthy and has had nine months of mama milk.  I know it's kind of a cop out, but that's better than nothing right?  It's just getting so stressful, worrying if he's getting anything, watching him suck at what seems to be an empty breast.  Pumping and getting nothing, and then getting confused because should that tell me I'm right that I might not have much milk coming in, or should I not pay attention to pumping because it's not like the real thing?

Blah.  I don't know.  It's easier to breastfeed, for sure, but then it's kind of nice looking at that bottle, seeing it go from 8oz to 6 to 4 to empty, knowing he's got a full belly.  It's strange not actually feeling him eating, though.  I just see his mouth working but I don't feel it!  It's very strange. 

How long did your kids nurse?  Did you ever slow down like this and then pick back up, or when it went down to one nursing, did it stay that way? 

Meltdowns and Tantrums

I bet you thought I was going to talk about Ingrid's tantrums, didn't you?  But no, I'm the one having a meltdown.  At the end of the week I am just so tired.  Of everything.  Of everyone.  I'm tired of doing another load of laundry, I'm tired of unloading the goddamn dishwasher again.  I'm tired of hearing Ingrid ask me to get her water bottle that is two feet away from her.  I'm tired of Otis teething.  I'm just tired.

So tonight I threw Otis' bottle across the room.  It was in my hand, I felt mad, I threw it.  And you know what?  It felt kinda good.  I totally get why Ingrid has these tantrums and hits things and screams.  It feels good.  Sometimes you don't wanna use your words. 

I was going to write this post about how sick I am of being the only one that can ever do anything around here, but then Ingrid called out from her room "Mama?  I'm sorry I yelled at you.  I love you."  And I realized that yes, it's a hard fucking job, but it's worth it.  I get to see Otis' drooly smiles first thing in the morning, I get to give Ingrid kisses and hugs when she's groggy from her nap.  I get to do these things now because that's what phase we are in, and some day it will all change and I won't get to do them.  So I should quit complaining (and throwing things) and embrace the fact my children need and want me. 

On Strike

Well, it seems Otis is on a nursing strike.  Today after his first feeding after he got up, he refused to nurse every single time.  Blech.  I just hate it!  He gets all fussy and then when I try to feed him, he dives in and seconds later is screaming his head off because my letdown is slow.  I try to stay calm and get him to try a little harder but it just pisses him off more.  So after about fifteen minutes of this, off to the kitchen I go to make a bottle...and then he just sucks it down in no time at all and falls asleep or lets out a big burp and a smile.

So.

I want to nurse him for at least a year, that has been my goal.  And I really love to be able to feed him and have it be so easy and without needing anything but a nursing bra.  I looked online and there are all these women talking about how their kids did the same thing and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one.  The doctor even said it was really normal for babies his age to start to resist because of teeth and just their newfound awareness of the exciting world around them.  Okay, it's normal, sigh of relief. 

But then...I read what the women end up doing to get through the strike and some of these women are pumping every three hours for months at a time and giving them breast milk in a syringe and all this craziness.  Am I selfish for really really not wanting to do that?  I did the whole pumping thing and I hated it.  I was hooked up to that thing all the time, and I swore once I didn't have to do it anymore, I never would.  But here I was today pumping three times.  And swearing the whole time.

So, how much do I want to continue?  And why am I even worrying so much?  He's getting fed, he seems happy and healthy no matter where it's coming from, shouldn't that be the most important thing?  But I have all these hang ups like I'm failing if I don't try harder to keep him going.  And then I think f**k it, isn't it better to feed him and see him calmed down than trying to nurse him and watching him scream?

I guess I'll just keep trying to nurse first, then if he really gets upset give him a bottle.  And hopefully he will get over it and we'll go about our merry way and nurse for another year.  

Another Post About the Second Kid

I'm still enjoying the fact that I'm way more laid back about Otis.  Every day I realize how things change and we go with the flow and change what we need to and I just don't stress.  His "bed time" which I use loosely, is ever changing.  I usually get him ready and then bundle him up in a blanket and either nurse him to sleep or he hangs out in my arms for awhile and eventually falls asleep while I'm snuggled on the couch.  Then when I'm ready for bed I bring him in with me. 

With Ingrid I would rock her and feed her and she would take forever to fall asleep and I would get so irritated because the day had been super long and I just wanted to relax finally.  I would put her in bed and listen to her cry and sigh and go back in.  It was stressful. 

Naptimes are similar.  I put Otis in the Moby and go about our way in the morning, either cleaning the house or doing laundry or walking to the park.  Whatever the case, Otis falls asleep almost instantly and will sleep for an hour or so.  I never pay attention to how long he's been sleeping.  This happens a couple times a day, he sleeps here and there in the Moby or in my arms while I try to rest in the afternoon.  I don't pay attention to how many naps he gets, or how long they are.  I don't worry about how much sleep he's getting or not getting, I just go by his personality.  If he seems like he needs to sleep, I put him in the Moby and walk around. 

With Ingrid I would try to put her down for her naps at the same time every day, I was stuck at home for nap time.  I would freak out if she didn't fall asleep right away or sleep for long enough or especially if she didn't sleep at all.  Worry worry worry.  Is that inevitable in the life of a first time mom?? 

Otis is also just fed whenever.  I don't know if it's been one hour, three hours, four hours.  I just hear him get fussy, try to figure out which side he should be on, and nurse him.  And again, I follow his moods and he lets me know when he needs to eat. 

With Ingrid I bottle fed and therefore was so concerned with how many ounces she was consuming, I knew in x-amount of hours I had to feed her.  And oh man, just having to travel with bottles and formula and water, it was so much extra work.  I'm so glad to be breast feeding this time around!

It sounds like I am regretting what I did with Ingrid, and that's not really true.  Sure I wish I had known I could've nursed  her with my meds, and yes I wish I had known about babywearing sooner than six months old.  But I did the best I could, and believe it or not, I still consider myself to have been a laid back first time mom.  I'm just realizing how much I've learned in the past three years and how much my parenting style has changed and how much better this works for me.

What have you done differently with baby number 2 or 3?