Balancing Life, Does it EVER WORK??

I am feeling so good lately!  I have been super busy and just keeping myself motivated to do stuff.  Awhile ago I was feeling really lethargic and tired all the time.  I got my blood tested to see if I had issues with my thyroid, I took pregnancy tests, I just thought something was off.  Turns out I think I was just a bit depressed. 

Depression really confuses me, and I've dealt with it most of my life.  Sometimes it's obvious, like I'm sad and I'll cry for no reason.  Other times I get blah and tired and it takes me awhile to realize what's going on.  I'll get these intense urges to just run away from my life and start over somewhere new.  Now that I'm a grownup and have a house, a husband and two kids, I know I can't do that, I have to face the issue and deal with it rather than run away like I used to in my 20s. 

Anyway, I realized it was a bit of depression after I had a night out with a friend.  We just sat and had a cup of coffee and caught up with each others lives.  The next day I bounced out of bed and felt so good, I didn't even take a nap with Otis, I had energy and motivation!  So now the key is to keep doing things like that so I feel like myself.  And with that comes the balance of keeping the mister happy, too, since I always feel like I'm living this great life and he's stuck at work or home with the kids while I'm out being a social butterfly.

I have no problem with him going out, mind you.  He just doesn't go that often.  He's such a dude, he complains about not having things to do, but then never calls any of his friends.  He comes home from work and crashes on the couch when the kids are in bed.  Does this mean I should stay and keep him company all the time?  I mean, I would love it if we could go out together, but at the same time I love having time with lady friends and NO KIDS!  That's the thing--I do see my girlfriends during the week when we have playdates or meet up at the community center, but then we're chasing after a gaggle of 2 year olds and you can't have a freakin' conversation to save your life.  It's better than nothing, but it's still not enough sometimes, you know?  I want to sit and talk and be able to follow a thought to the end without having to tell someone to share, stop hitting, wipe a nose, etc. 

This week I had a show, so I was gone one night.  Then today I have to help out at the shop I sell my stuff at, so I'll be gone the whole day.  I mentioned that Monday night there's a mom's night out and the mister got a bit prickly "Oh, so you'll be gone again?"  Part of me really did want to ask for permission so he wouldn't feel like I was just taking off, but then part of me wanted to get pissed like why should I ask permission??  I'm home with these kids 24/7, I don't get to leave and talk to adults or go to the bathroom by myself or eat lunch by myself.  Oh my god, I took a shower while the kids were (I thought) playing nicely together, only to find out as soon as I was in the middle of washing my hair that they had both slammed doors and couldn't get them open (old house...) and each was banging on a door begging to be let out.  I heard all this commotion and screams of "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!" and I just sighed.  I want to wash my hair, is that too much to ask?

But then he is working all day, it's not like he's relaxing.  And then he comes home to the chaos of kids.  And my life is pretty sweet I think, I get to stay home, there is no daycare, I get to sew, I get to stay in my pjs if I want, I get to take a nap with Otis sometimes, I get to be lazy and not sweep or do laundry if I don't feel like it. And yes, the whole playdate thing is not ideal but it is pretty nice to sit and drink coffee with friends even with screaming kids running around.  So I feel bad that I get this amazing stay at home life and I complain about it sometimes.  And then I expect to go out on top of all that. 

There must be a balance and I still have yet to find it.  

Mother's Guilt

Today my husband and I are supposed to drop the kids off at Grandma and Grandpa's and take a little trip to Madison to see friends.  We are leaving the kids there overnight, something we've never done before.  These grandparents live five minutes away and we'll only be an hour away, it's not really that big of a deal, right? 

And yet.

Last night Otis woke up coughing and needed a little snuggle to go back to sleep.  I kept thinking afterward about what if he wakes up at a strange house and gets freaked out and I'm not there?  And he cries and they don't know how to calm him down?  I started thinking maybe Brendan could just go to Madison alone and I'd stay home with the kids.

Wait, what???

Truth is, we need to get away.  My life is so involved with kids 24/7, we need this adult time to hang out with adult friends, drink adult drinks, watch some football (did I just say that????) and not be parents for two seconds.  They will survive.  And by "they" I'm not sure if I mean the grandparents or the kids!!

When I was on bedrest with Otis I remember thinking Ingrid was going to be scarred for life from the three weeks of her not having me, when all she'd ever had was me by her side.  And guess what?  She survived.  She probably shed some tears and felt bad for awhile, but she is most definitely not scarred.  And Otis might not feel the best, and would probably really love it if I were the one to soothe him back to sleep, but he will also survive ONE NIGHT without mama by his side.  And the grandparents probably don't want to be up with a crying kid tonight, which may or may not even happen.  But they, too, will survive one freakin' night, and they can always take a nap the next day...

So, folks, let me shed this mother's guilt and go have fun today!  With my husband and our friends and NO KIDS!

Go On Without Me.

Brendan just left with Ingrid for a two night camping excursion.  I am here with Otis, and I could  not be more excited!  Since Otis is teething and therefore not sleeping, I just didn't want to deal with that in a tent with the whole family not getting sleep.  And Brendan's parents are out there already, so they'd be bothered, not to mention anyone in earshot of a screaming baby...It's just best we stay home.

When I told Brendan my thoughts on this, he agreed, but said he'd like it if I could change my mind.  I have to admit, even if Otis weren't teething, the idea of having the house to myself with only Otis is rather charming.  He's sleeping right now and I don't have a three year old tugging at me to color or play or put on a Clifford DVD.  I never get time to myself (and look how myself is me and a baby!  I'm not even really alone, just more alone than usual!) so staying home just sounded so appealing.

I even went so far as to say this could be a new tradition in the making--Brendan's parents go to the same campground every year the week after Labor Day, so Brendan could take the kids for the weekend and go camping with his family while Mama stays home!  He looked appalled at that idea.  "I don't want this to be a tradition!  I want to go camping as a family!"

That got me thinking--am I just selfish?  My mom always relished any time alone, and now that I'm a SAHM I can see why.  The days are a constant barrage of wants, needs, cries, messes, laundry, and dishes.  From 6am until the blessed 7pm bedtime there is chaos.  Most of the time I'm okay with that, but a weekend, a whole three days, without it??  Count me in!

But it's not just that.  I love the idea of Brendan spending time alone with the kids.  It happens far too rarely.  I am one to jump in the car and take a six hour road trip by myself with the kids, spending a week or so with my mom or friends, but he doesn't do that.  I spend tons of time alone with them, but other than a couple hours at the zoo, he does not.  I never did anything with my dad, ever.  I cannot remember one single time we hung out just the two of us, or even just him and the kids.  Scratch that--my mom worked a New Year's Eve in 1984 or so, he had us that night.  All I can remember, honest to god. 

So the idea of being alone is awesome, but the idea of Brendan having Ingrid this weekend, making memories that just the two of them share, is even better!  Because I'm with the kids all day long, they tend to cling to me.  I think they need time with good ol' dad to see he's in charge, too.  And that he's fun!

So, they packed up the car and left an hour or so ago and I put Otis down for a nap.  I am sitting here drinking coffee, on the computer, making a list of things to get done this weekend.  And the house is silent.  And I am loving it.

Family Time

Every weekend Brendan and I have the same argument about family time.  I understand where each of us is coming from but it seems like we can never get the right balance.

See, as a stay at home mom, I am with my kids all day every day.  I don't get sick days, I don't get coffee breaks, I work from 5:30 am to about 9 pm at night.  During the week we find things to do--playdates, trips to the children's museum, the zoo, whatever.  By the weekend, I am so ready for a break that I tend to just want to hand the kids over to Brendan and go hide somewhere. 

Brendan, however, would like family time.  So he's always saying what should we do today?  Let's go to the zoo!  Let's take a walk!  Let's go the park!  I say okay, you take the kids, that'll be fun.  I'll take a nap, or get some sewing done.  Then he gets mad because he wants family time. 


I don't know, I feel like we spend plenty of time together as a family.  I don't know what B's expectations are.  We went to the farmer's market together on Saturday, we had a cookout with friends Saturday night.  We went to his parent's house together yesterday morning.  We all were outside together yesterday.  And yet he still got mad we didn't have enough family time.  What does he want??  I don't want to go to the zoo on a hot busy Saturday.  I don't want to take another walk to the park we go to almost every day during the week.  I want to go read a book or sew.  I want to get coffee with a friend.  I want to catch up on sleep. 

So basically we need to come up with a plan.  What do other stay at home moms do with this situation?  I'm so sick of my kids by Saturday morning that I just want a break!!  And Brendan's tired after a long work week and he wants to play but is also needing some time to himself.  So we have to figure out how each of us gets alone time, family time, and couple time.  Which we haven't really figured out yet.

Five Years

Tomorrow is Brendan's and my five year anniversary.  FIVE YEARS!  So much has happened in five years!  It got me thinking about our journey so far and how we've finally made it to a more stable place. 

We moved in together after five months of dating.  He started grad school, I quit school and started nannying full time.  My parents got cancer and a divorce.  We went to Europe and got engaged.

We moved to another apartment to save money for a house.  We got married.  I got pregnant.  I lost my jobs and was down to working one day a week while he was finishing up his PhD. 

We moved in with his parents.  I had Ingrid.  We had NO MONEY.  We lived with his parents.  With a newborn.  And three huge dogs.

Brendan got a fellowship and we moved to Michigan.  We didn't know anyone there, we didn't know the area, we had to find an apartment online.  We started to play catch up with our finances.  We never did catch up.

We moved again to a better neighborhood.  I got pregnant about four seconds later.  Ingrid was in a bit of an upheaval.   I ended up in the hospital for three weeks before having a preemie.  Brendan was looking for jobs this whole time and not finding anything.  We had a baby in the NICU and our only income coming to an end. 

Brendan got a job!  We moved back to Milwaukee!  We are around friends and family again!  We have enough money to pay off credit cards!  To save for a house!  To buy a new car!  Both kids are happy and healthy! 


Big sigh of relief.  Things are settling.  We are looking for houses, figuring out schools for Ingrid, saving for our future.  We are finally there.  Where we've been looking toward for so long--we're stable, we're happy, we can plan things knowing we'll be here in the future.  Yay Team Liddle!!

What's My Job Description?

Here's a question for any stay at home moms out there:  How much help do you get from your partner?  I know Brendan is a great help and is always willing to help, but I feel like his job is going to work and making the money and my job is everything else.  And it's never ending.

My days start at 4am, when Otis wakes up for his first nursing of the day.  Back to sleep until 6ish when Ingrid gets up.  Coffee, breakfast, clean up the kitchen from Brendan's hasty rush out the door, clean up the living room from Brendan being up later than me and leaving mugs/blankets/laptops all over the place.  I deal with Ingrid, then I deal with Otis, then I maybe deal with myself.  Maybe.  The laundry gets done, the groceries are purchased, the meals planned, the floors swept, the baby worn so he naps, the kids fed, the cat box cleaned, the bills payed.  Then it's dinner, bedtime for Ingrid (which has recently become a knock down, drag out brawl every night...and can only be done by Mama) a brief pause when Otis is happy and will be content with Brendan, and then bedtime for Otis at 9pm, also done by Mama.  And then I pass out. 

I'm not complaining about my job, because I love it.  I love being home, not having to bring the kids to daycare, being able to go for long walks to the park, staying in my pjs until 10am.  But I could still use some help.  Like I said, the mister is willing to help but doesn't do it on his own usually.  I can ask for help and get it, but for example, I never come home to a fresh load of laundry all nicely folded, or a swept floor or cleaned kitchen.  And his excuse is "I had both kids."  It is SO frustrating.

He works hard, he has stress at his job and worries about providing for us, and I appreciate that.  But I don't get paid and my job goes for way longer than 9 hours a day.  And I work weekends and holidays.  And Mama is tired!  I just want help.  I have thought about hiring someone to come in and clean once every two weeks or so--but that's ridiculous!  We should be able to get things done around here as a team and I feel like I'm alone in everything house related.  Like that's my job as a SAHM, and I should just deal with it. 

Anyway, any tips on getting the help without it becoming a huge deal?  Without fighting or arguing all the time?  Much appreciated, thanks ladies!

Good Riddance, Crabby Weekend!

Man, is there something in the air?  Or perhaps our water?  This weekend was awful, both Brendan and I were so crabby.  This may or may not have led to Ingrid being equally crabby, which in turn made us both more crabby.  Nice little circle of events, no?

Honestly I can't even remember what set me off, but I was so pissy and then Ingrid says "I sorry, Mama" and I almost started crying.  She takes it so personally when we get yelly, and now that she can say things like she's sorry it's making me realize how much we have to try to talk like adults and be at least civil to each other. 

It's hard to be an adult.  At one point I let the sarcasm flow and my voice got louder and louder, and then Ingrid looked over at me and it just broke my heart.  I don't want to teach her to be like that.  One of the things I've always prided myself on is that I like to settle things in an adult manner, with conversations and give and take.  No petty yelling and swearing and throwing things, no real fighting, just issues and trying to talk through them.  This weekend I forgot about all that...

So my goal for this week is to try and return to being a nicer mom, a nicer wife, someone people would want to live with.  No more rolling eyes (well, I'll try anyway) no more getting mad that things weren't done my way.  I actually yelled at Brendan for running the dishwasher without putting enough dishes in it.  He said I was just trying to help and I got mad that he didn't help in the right way.  I still think it was silly to run it, but I certainly didn't have to yell at him. 

Back to being calm, gentle, nurturing.  I somehow have lost my way with that, but hopefully I can get back on track.  Tomorrow we're going to take a picnic by the lake, and bake bread, and maybe try to sew a dress for a friend's birthday.  Things are looking up! 

You're Driving Me Crazy!!

Ingrid has been very whiny and demanding lately. She is very into "I do it!" and "No, go this way!" Which I love because she's such an independant little spitfire. However, it also drives me nuts sometimes.

This morning after hearing her throw yet another tantrum because I wouldn't let her grab my sharp sewing scissors or play with the rotary cutter (what a horrible mom I am, I know) I said, "Aah! You are driving me crazy!" Brendan said "You say that all the time. Maybe this isn't working? You staying at home with Ingrid?"

I was completely dumbfounded. How on earth could he think it wasn't working, me staying at home? Does he not know that I love my job as a stay at home mom?? Does my husband really not know me at all? Yes, I say Ingrid drives me crazy a lot, because--she drives me crazy, A LOT! But that doesn't mean I don't like to be around her. I do, I just can't stand this whiny, tantrum phase she's going through. (It's just a phase, right?!)

Anyway, it got me thinking about how I voice my opinion on everything. I wonder what it's like to be my husband, having to deal with me and my gab. I complain a lot, even when something doesn't really bother me all that much. I just say stuff, without really thinking about it. So, in that second that Ingrid was crying, I said she drove me crazy. And in the moment that she cuddles up on me I say I love you SO SO MUCH! They balance each other out, don't they? I think I say more positive things than negative, but now I have to stop and think about it.

I'm always trying to be calmer and more positive, I guess this is one of those things I have to work on. Less "you drive me crazy" and more "I love you so much."

An Ode to my Husband

I just wanted to let the world know how much I love my husband.  Nothing in particular made me want to sing his praises, I was just laying in bed this morning thinking how awesome he is.  Here is why I love him:

1. He is very motivated in his career, but not for money or personal gains, because he actually loves what he does.  He is a chemist and I think that's cool he's so into science.  I don't do science...

2. He never once, in all our poor times, suggested I get a job instead of staying home with Ingrid.  He knows how important it is.  I think I've mentioned this before, but I feel very strongly about this!  If he ever made me feel guilty about staying home, I would always think I'm not pulling my weight.

3. He is appreciative of what I do for no pay.  He always thanks me for cleaning, cooking, doing laundry.  He sucks at all of these, so I'm glad he sees that I have my pros :)  He usually notices things and comments on them (after years of me aheming and nudging he finally gets it!)

4. He has a great sense of humor.  We laugh together all the time.  We have the same silly things that make us laugh.  I think that is so important, it keeps us calm to laugh at things. 

5. He also has a serious side that is very concerned with politics.  I love that he keeps up to date on things.  I have to say, I don't so much anymore, so it's nice to hear things from him.  He is passionate about things and I love that.

6. He is motivated to do things.  I remember when I first started dating him, there was a movie being filmed in Milwaukee and they needed extras to play baseball or be in the stands.  Brendan went and waited for hours to see if he could be one of the baseball players, and I remember thinking that was so awesome.  He thought about doing something, and he did it!  Past boyfriends were very unlike that, they would talk for ages about doing some stupid thing and then never get around to doing it.  It really stuck out in my head when I met Brendan and he would actually do the things he said he wanted to do!

7. He makes me motivated to do things.  He wants to go out and hike, or this past weekend we went to an indoor pool to go swimming.  I would not have done that (a bathing suit in January???) but because he wanted to, I did.  And it was so much fun!  It's nice to have someone not want to sit on their ass all day long. 

I hope other married people feel as lucky as I do to be with their partner.  It sure makes those dreary days less dreary to be able to spend it with someone you love so much.