Five Years

Tomorrow is Brendan's and my five year anniversary.  FIVE YEARS!  So much has happened in five years!  It got me thinking about our journey so far and how we've finally made it to a more stable place. 

We moved in together after five months of dating.  He started grad school, I quit school and started nannying full time.  My parents got cancer and a divorce.  We went to Europe and got engaged.

We moved to another apartment to save money for a house.  We got married.  I got pregnant.  I lost my jobs and was down to working one day a week while he was finishing up his PhD. 

We moved in with his parents.  I had Ingrid.  We had NO MONEY.  We lived with his parents.  With a newborn.  And three huge dogs.

Brendan got a fellowship and we moved to Michigan.  We didn't know anyone there, we didn't know the area, we had to find an apartment online.  We started to play catch up with our finances.  We never did catch up.

We moved again to a better neighborhood.  I got pregnant about four seconds later.  Ingrid was in a bit of an upheaval.   I ended up in the hospital for three weeks before having a preemie.  Brendan was looking for jobs this whole time and not finding anything.  We had a baby in the NICU and our only income coming to an end. 

Brendan got a job!  We moved back to Milwaukee!  We are around friends and family again!  We have enough money to pay off credit cards!  To save for a house!  To buy a new car!  Both kids are happy and healthy! 


Big sigh of relief.  Things are settling.  We are looking for houses, figuring out schools for Ingrid, saving for our future.  We are finally there.  Where we've been looking toward for so long--we're stable, we're happy, we can plan things knowing we'll be here in the future.  Yay Team Liddle!!

Moving On...

Well, our time here in Michigan has come to an end.  Brendan got a job in Milwaukee and we leave in a couple weeks.  It has all happened so fast, it's wierd!  On the one hand, we've been preparing for this for a long time, knowing he was looking for jobs and interviewing.  On the other hand, he had an interview one week and was offered a job the next, to start a couple weeks after that.  So it kinda happened in a blur!

I have mixed emotions about leaving.  Mostly I'm excited!!  I am so glad to be going back to the city that became my home.  I have tons of friends there, there are things to do, cool apartments that are affordable, Grandma and Grandpa live there, we'll be by Lake Michigan again.  Just thinking of this spring and hanging out with friends and going camping and hiking and skipping stones at the lake with Ingrid--it makes me so happy!!

However, moving means leaving behind some great friends I've made here.  And of course we all got pregnant at the same time, and I might not even get to meet the other two little boys, who won't make their appearances until after we leave...And Ingrid loves her little pals, it will be hard to have her ask to play with them and have to tell her no, they're six hours away.  Honestly, we probably won't ever come back to Ann Arbor after we leave.  My family is on the other side of the state, so going to Michigan means going there, not all the way over here.  Maybe they'll want to come visit Milwaukee?

Mostly I'm just relieved that we are going to get our life going.  I feel like we've been in limbo for years.  First it was grad school, then moving, then job hunting, and now finally we get to move home, buy a house, and know we're going to be there for more than a year!  No more wondering what the future holds, we can actually LIVE our lives now!  It was so frustrating to have to wonder where we'd be.  I want to sign Ingrid up for ballet lessons, but where will be?  I want to look at preschools, but where will we be?  We wanted to plan a trip to our favorite campground in Wisconsin, but would we be near there or all the way across the country?  Now we know!!  Now we can plan!! 

It's such a good feeling.

Things I'm Lovin' Right Now

1. Ingrid's imagination.  She will sit with her toys and just have the best conversations with herself.  I've overheard her feeding her baby doll and saying "How many pounces did you eat, baby?  Oh, eleven thirty pounces?  Good!"  Also heard, when playing with her robot doll, in a monotone voice, "I AM A ROBOT.  I AM A ROBOT."  Yesterday we brought up the fire truck from the basement and she played rescue animals all afternoon.  I love that she can entertain herself so well!

2. Our new Bummis wrap.  It's small enough for Otis but it's got plenty of room for him to grow.  Our prefolds fit so nicely in it and it's cute and green with colorful dots all over.  I'm loving our prefolds in general.  We got some Bum Genuius XSs that are good, but last night showed me why I hate AIOs.  I thought they were dry but apparently they weren't, so we ended up having to change Otis' clothes three times in the middle of the night because they'd gotten soaked.  If I put something in the dryer for 80 MINUTES!!!  I expect it to be dry when it comes out! 

3. My family.  Last night after dinner Brendan was playing with Ingrid and I was sewing.  We had music on, a really bad 80s channel, and lots of bad songs came on, which we sang along to and Ingrid danced.  I just love our evenings when we hang out before bedtime.

4. Not being homeless!!  Brendan just found out yesterday that he can stay at his job for a couple more months while he's searching for his new job.  It's a pay cut but it's way better than the nothing we were planning on having in a couple weeks!  And we get to keep our health insurance, which is the biggest relief ever.  Brendan has had a couple phone interviews and next week he has one in Missouri.  Not sure what we think of moving there but a job is a job. 

5. This pattern.  I love it!  A friend got it for me and I've made a few pairs now.  It's so easy and so cute and the sizes are big enough for Ingrid.  I made a pair for her the other day that turned out huge, so I'll be able to use the pattern for awhile for her!  Yay.  It felt really good to sew again.

Weight.

Otis is gaining weight, he was over six pounds on Thursday!  Today is our last doctor appointment, can't wait to see what he weighs today.  He's been eating a TON, he has no lack of appetite.  Brendan and I can't get over how fat his face has become.  Still has skinny chicken legs but his head looks enormous now! 

I am hopefully not gaining weight, lol!  I didn't gain a ton with the pregnancy and when I went to a doctor's appointment a couple weeks ago I was at my prepregnancy weight.  Although that was still 15 pounds over what I should be...I forget how hard it is to switch from "eating for two" to eating just for myself again!  I never felt bad about a donut here or there while pregnant, it's not the same afterward!

And weighing heavy on my mind is where our future is headed.  Brendan has two weeks left of his job, then who knows?  He has been steadily applying to jobs, he has had interviews aplenty, but no job offers.  We have a backup plan of sorts, but it is not a happy one.  It involves borrowing money and living at my mom's.  In a small town in the middle of nowhere!  It involves getting our kids on state health care so we can still take them to the doctor.  We will not have health insurance, so I can't get sick, and we can't have any accidents.  I certainly cannot end up back in the hospital!!  It's a scary unknown time and I'm trying to think positively but it's hard.

For now I'll just stare at my two adorable kids and enjoy them.  I'll leave the job stuff up to Brendan and just think about money stuff later.  There's always time to worry about that, I will procrastinate with the worrying!  It's all about priorities, right?  My priority right now is to enjoy my family.

Sewing and Hormones and Toddlers, Oh My!

Yesterday was a hormonal one...When Brendan went to leave for work I just started crying.  For some reason it felt like too much work to be at home with Ingrid all day long (and night, too, he had to work until past her bedtime) so I just broke down.  And being the male he is, Brendan didn't say much and just left for work with a lame "Hope you have a good day."  Ingrid and I just seem to be butting heads lately, as I am really tired and not sleeping well at night, and not getting any rest during the day thanks to her bugging me the second I lay down.  And she just wants to play and wonders why the hell Mama can't get up off the couch for two seconds... 

Luckily I was able to turn it around.  I took a cat nap on the couch while Ingrid watched Sesame Street and then we got up and went to the indoor play place.  We stayed for three hours, and would've stayed longer if they only sold lunch.  I get the whole food allergy thing, but seriously, if you can't bring outside food, then you have to serve lunch!  Hungry toddlers are everywhere, not to mention their preggo mamas.

Anyway, Ingrid got to run around and I got to sit and drink coffee.  There was a German speaker's playgroup going on so there were about ten women speaking German all around us.  I swear I am a magnet for the Germans!  Every time I go to a park I hear someone speaking German.  Ingrid was listening to them and knew it wasn't English so when I would ask her a question she'd respond in nonsense, I guess thinking she was speaking German!  It was pretty funny.  I told her the words I knew, but it's been awhile...

When we got home I had an email that the Blue House was looking for new items, so I set out to make my lists and get stuff ready to drop off there.  Ingrid once again got out the felt box and played while I cut more garlands out, and after she went to bed I cut out more things to sew.  Today is going to be a PJ day, as Brendan will take the car for another job interview and we'll be home sewing.  Hooray!

He told me hopefully by next week we'll know where we're going.  I sure hope so, I'm getting awfully nesty, wanting to wash baby clothes and set up an area for the little guy.  Right now everything is in boxes under the basement stairs.  I'd like to see tiny things hanging up, and baskets of tiny cloth diapers!  Patience...

Third Trimester Already??

That's right, I'm almost 29 weeks.  Last time I went to the midwife she gave me a packet of papers for birthing options, hospital tours, and parking passes for the big day.  It kinda freaked me out--it's not that time yet!

Things around here are good, but hectic.  Brendan has had a few interviews and has another major one coming up on Monday.  He's off to Milwaukee again for a second interview for a job he really wants, and they are hiring like right now so if he were to get it, what does that mean??  Not only are the holidays coming up but so is a brand new baby.  Makes moving a little tough, you know?

Otis has been moving around like crazy, doing flips and rolls and making my belly look quite crazy.  Brendan is so funny, he just does not get into the pregnancy thing at all.  I could sit and stare at my moving belly for hours, while he touches it once, feels a move, and immediately grabs his hand back.  I laughed at him and said what's the big deal?  He said he knows in his head it's okay but he feels like he's going to hurt the baby or something.  By putting a hand on my belly.  If he saw how Ingrid treats me he wouldn't be so worried...She is constantly climbing on me and elbowing me in the belly, or hitting me or poking her finger as far as it will go (not far) into my belly button. 

Yesterday we got some new pjs for Ingrid at the consignment store--they have "Big Sister" on the shirt, she was SO excited to put them on as soon as we got home.  She seems excited to be a big sister but who knows what that means in her tiny noggin!!  Hopefully she'll be okay when Otis gets here but that's another thing to think about--she's going to have a new brother and move to a new house right on top of each other...Two major things at once, hard enough for adults, much harder for kids.  Nothing I can do about it now, though, is there? 

So that's that, more of the same.  Thinking about jobs, moving, babies, being sick, stressed, and trying to enjoy life as usual while we are in this limbo...

Stress Dreams

No matter how calm I feel on the outside about having another kid, and dealing with Brendan getting a job and having to move soon, it creeps up on me in strange ways.  Usually I have stress dreams.  While pregnant with Ingrid it involved working at the coffee shop where I met Brendan.  Somehow things were always dirty, orders were getting overlooked, customers were rude and I woke up in a cold sweat.

Last night I had two of these gems.  Both involved not knowing what to order from a menu at a restaurant, which I find amusing as I have never had that problem!  In one of the dreams everything on the menu was $40-60, so perhaps I'm worried about money??  And in the other I kept asking for my cup of coffee with two creams and they kept ignoring me.  I don't know what that was about...

I'm glad I'm able to let go of my worries through dreams, though.  Because in the daytime really I am pretty relaxed.  I daydream about our future and what it holds and what the possibilities are, but I don't really stress too much because I have no control over where we end up.  Frankly, neither does Brendan.  He can just go on interviews and do his best and whoever offers him a job will give us a new life.  How can you stress about that?  We have absolutely no control.  Instead of that worrying me, I just let it go and see where life takes us.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

I'm almost six months along now, can you believe it??  And just yesterday it finally hit me FOR REAL that we are going to have another baby.  It's been all in the hypothetical up until then.  Yes, someday we'll have a baby, someday these tiny diapers will be put on something other than a Cabbage Patch Kid.  And then yesterday I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my expanding belly and felt little kicks and rolls and it hit me--there is a baby in there!!

Ingrid and I went to Salvation Army and had a great time searching through the kid's clothes.  I found some amazing things for my friend Heather's etsy shop 3RingCircus, I got some new "cozy pants" for Ingrid, and I got a little tiny newborn outfit that has a moose on it, and the feet are tiny moose, too!  It's for bringing wee one home from the hospital.  Again, it hit me that we will go into the hospital with a big belly and come home with a wriggling newborn, amazing!

I have been pretty down lately about not knowing where we'll be going next, as Brendan looks for jobs.  We're not going to be in this apartment for too long, so I don't see the point in making it very homey.  And then I get depressed because there are no pictures hung or curtains or anything.  And I have boxes of stuff for when Otis comes but I can't do anything with them, no nesting at all, because we will either move before he gets here or right after.  It's frustrating.  But yesterday I got over it and decided that I should just do little things to make myself feel at home again, even if it's only for a few months.  So I'm making curtains for my kitchen today out of this cute lemon print fabric I've had on hand.  And I have a matching yellow rug I found in the basement.

I cleaned up the basement finally yesterday--what a chore!  Ingrid used to have her play room down there and then over the summer, because we didn't have a dehumidifier, we got mold.  After cleaning all that up, I just threw stuff down there, and every time I'd go do laundry it would bug me that I wasn't more organized.  And that we had about five lamps from old apartment dwellers that didn't work shoved under the stairs.  And that we got more toys for Ingrid and they were taking over my living room and I really really wanted a place for her to go play again.  SO...a little sweep and mop, throw out old lamps, move baby boxes under stairs, move furniture around, wash rug, and move toys downstairs again, and there you go.  A playroom again!

So things will change, as they always do, and I have to remind myself that I can roll with it, deal with it, it will all work out.  Some days I just want to be settled somewhere, to know we're going to be somewhere for awhile.  And others I realize we're still in the early stages of our marriage and family, and this is what we'll look back on and laugh at how young and carefree we were.  Someday.

Preparing for the Bub

Well, I am officially in maternity clothes.  I tried a big skirt a few days ago and when I sat down I felt like my uterus was being smooshed.  So, elastic waist, here I come!  I love wearing maternity clothes for the most part anyway, I never had a hard time adjusting to them.  I always have a poochy belly that doesn't fit right into regular pants so to not have to camouflage it is heaven!

Today Ingrid and I went to the local cloth diaper store and looked for some prefolds.  I have had a hell of a time getting some used off diaperswappers.com!  If you order them brand spankin' new for a dozen, they are usually around $27 with shipping.  Some people wanted $29 for their used ones!  Maybe they are crazy good ones, but still, I am not paying more for used than for new, thank you very much.  Anyway, today I found 18 little wee newborn prefolds for 60cents a piece!  Considering these may only work for a month or so, hooray for savings! 

I also looked through the baby section at Target yesterday.  How on earth do people not find out the gender beforehand??  You used to be able to get gender neutral green or yellow but now every single thing is pink pink pink or blue blue blue.  Even when I knew I was having a girl I hated to buy pink, so that really bums me out that you can't even get green stuff anymore.  Or if it is green it has flowers and ruffles.  Sheesh, not all girls are frilly.  Luckily we are good thrifters in our house, so we have a couple boxes of teeny shirts and gowns and footed pjs to get us through the first month or so.  They look so tiny!!  Ingrid kept holding things up to her saying she was going to wear it, I don't think she quite gets that she isn't the baby I'm talking of anymore!!

Other than that, we aren't really feeling the need to prepare too much more.  A friend has a car seat and bassinet, we already have a couple slings, and I know how to make blankets :)  Plus, what's the point of preparing much in our house if we're not going to be here?  Brendan just informed me that his job will be done in February so he'll have to have a new one lined up by then.  I looked at him dumbfounded--"You do realize I am due January 30th, right?"  His job, by the way, will most likely NOT be in the town in which we currently reside.  Which means a big move out of state either being immensely pregnant or with a very newly born baby.  Gulp.  I am not sure how to take this, as I was under the impression we were going to be here until spring, giving me at least a couple months to get used to two kids before having to schlep them to a new house...

So, preparing what I can right now is all I can do.  Diapers, gowns, and tshirts.  The rest we'll figure out later!

We're Staying?

Brendan came home last night and told me he's staying at his job for another year.  Which is nice, I guess, but now we're in limbo for one more freakin' year!  The good news is that we don't have to worry about where we'll be this summer, and we are looking for a new place to live that is NOT in Ypsilanti.  We hate it here where we are, it's trashy and far away from everything and every time someone in our building takes a shower you can't hear anything above the roar of the water.  So...onto a new place.

You know how hard it is to find an okay place here for less than $1000 a month???  Seriously, people, we're in Michigan, not a big city!  What's with all the houses being $3000 a month to rent?  We found a couple prospects on craigslist last night, so we'll see if we hear back from anyone.  Hopefully we will, because we're giving our notice tomorrow, giving us exactly one month to find somewhere new to live!  Nothing like a little pressure, huh? 

So, today is all about paying bills, figuring out money for moving, finding boxes, and starting to pack!!  Unfortunately that means I'll be finding things to donate to Salvation Army and then we'll go drop it off and end up buying a couple bags of different crap!  I just love thrifting. 

A Part of Things

This weekend I took Ingrid to the Easter egg hunt at a local park.  The whole morning made me realize how awesome it is to be a part of things wherever it is I live.  We went to a little restaurant coffee shop to meet up with friends, and who should we see in the parking lot but other friends that were just leaving!  We chatted a bit, then went inside to get some muffins before venturing to see the Easter bunny.

After coffee we went to the park and met some more friends, and as we were walking around I heard my name being called.  It was someone from our apartment complex, the woman who helped us with our lease when we moved.  She has always been super friendly and when she sees us she calls us by name.  So sweet!  And I saw a few moms I recognized from story time at the library.

When I got home, I was just feeling so good about how we moved here not knowing a single person a year or so ago, and now I can go out to a community event and run into people I know.  It just makes me feel confident that once Brendan gets his job and we move, we'll be able to make our lives comfortable and meet new friends, no matter where we are. 

My new daydream is small town living.  Brendan applied to a job about an hour north of Milwaukee, so we'd be close to friends and family but not have to live in the city.  I have realized since having Ingrid that I don't want to live in a city.  I like the idea of museums and such, but I hate the noise and the traffic.  So this small town is close to a city but far enough away that we would be able to have a house with a nice back yard and a small little downtown.  The town is right on Lake Michigan, and the houses--oh my god!  They are so inexpensive!  Theoretically we could buy a house way sooner rather than later, and actually get a house we liked, rather than one we could just afford.  And with a small mortgage payment we could travel, which is what we want to do.  The town is also close to our favorite state park and other hiking areas.  The more we talked about it the better it sounded! 

But again, every time Brendan tells me a place he applied to, I look up where the town is, what the house prices are, go look on craigslist to see what kind of rentals they have.  And I start thinking about how it would be to live there and I can find a list of positives.  I have gone from Colorado and the mountains to Southern California and palm trees to small town Wisconsin and Lake Michigan and I can see us living in all the places and having a good time.  So we'll see. 

Wherever we end up, though, I am excited to meet new people and start to make our lives there.  No more limbo, I want to know I'm going to live somewhere for more than a year...

Daily Life in the Liddle house

I feel like I've been missing for awhile. It just seems like nothing has been going on. Ingrid and I are home most of the time, as Brendan takes the car to work. It's been going well, the whole one car thing. I like to be home most of the time. I tend to get more stuff done that way.

Ingrid has been so cute lately, her vocabulary has exploded! She sings along to songs now, which is super adorable :) Life with her revolves around blocks (the best thing I got from swapmamas, for sure!) her play kitchen, and coloring. Those are the only three things she wants to do. Brendan and I have fun making the most ridiculous towers possible, which is more fun than I thought it would be.

I've been getting a lot of sewing done. I got a pattern for baby shoes and have now made three pairs. They were difficult to do the first time but now I think I have the hang of it. They look so cute, it's hard not to imagine a little baby wearing them...

Which of course brings us to our family and whether we'll expand it or not. Of course. I have been pro-baby #2 and talking about it probably too much. Asking Ingrid if she wants a baby brother or sister, as if she has any idea what that means! Looking through the baby name book, imagining what names would go well with Ingrid (Felix? Alister? Harriet?) Making baby shoes and thinking I shouldn't sell them but save them for my own child.

But, like last time, we're just not in the right place yet. According to Brendan...He is finishing up his fellowship and we are planning on moving in the next few months for his new job, wherever that may be. And we want to buy a house in the next couple years, too, so there are so many factors in our lives that are up in the air. I'm sure it's the sane, rational, adult thing to wait until we figure some of them out, but my hormones say otherwise.

*sigh*

We'll see. Story of my life. When are you moving? We'll see. Where are you moving? We'll see. What job will Brendan get? We'll see.

Where Will We End Up???

Brendan and I have been talking a lot about jobs again lately. He officially has 5 months left at his fellowship and has been looking at jobs to see what's out there. And every time he finds one, my brain goes off into daydream mode and I think about where we'll live, what we'll do there, what kind of house we could find in our budget, etc.

The past couple weeks have gone from Colorado, where I would LOVE to live, to Holland, MI, where I grew up. Hmmm. Colorado is gorgeous, there's a lab in Golden so we'd live close to Denver but not in the city. One of my best friends is nearby in Arvada, the mountains are right there, we'd be able to go do real hiking whenever we wanted. Plus, Denver is close, there are direct flights to both Grand Rapids so I could see my family, and Milwaukee so we could visit Brendan's parents and our friends. Perfect!

But then Brendan said something about a professor job at Hope College, which is in my hometown of Holland. I HATED growing up there!!! I could not wait to get the hell out of there when I was 18!! It was horrible to live there. But then I thought of it from an adult perspective and I think it would be okay to live there with a family. We could live right downtown in a cool old house, walk to parks and shopping, I have a couple friends from high school with little girls the same age as Ingrid. Family is right there, which is a blessing and a curse. The beach is there, good camping is close by. We could get a babysitter without any trouble, as my sister is always willing to watch Ingrid :)

How can I possibly go from Colorado to Holland, Michigan, in a span of a couple days?? It's amazing to me that I can really find the positives in any place Brendan brings up. I think it would be harder if he said he found a job in the middle of nowhere in Texas or something, but so far I have been pretty okay with anywhere he says. He even said something about being here for an extra six months if he would get a job that started next fall and I was okay with that, too. I don't really love it here, but the other night we went out to dinner with some friends and I realized it's just where we live. Ann Arbor itself is pretty cool, if not a bit expensive. It's super cute, though, and if we were to live closer to things, I think I'd really like it. And I do love the friends I've made here, and I'm always meeting more moms and if I knew I was staying I'd put even more effort out there to be part of things.

I guess it's cool that I can see myself living anywhere, but sometimes I wish I had more of a pull to be somewhere specific. I feel kind of lost right now, like we're totally just floating here for now, and I know that my family is my home and wherever Brendan and Ingrid are is where I belong, but I want a home. I'm sick of feeling like we're only here for a few more months, then I don't know where we'll be. I don't mind renting, but it would be nice if I could feel like it's worth putting effort into making our apartment cozy. Right now I just feel like what's the point? We'll just be moving soon anyway...blah. Hopefully Brendan will start getting some interviews and we'll figure all this out. Having no control over it is tough, but since I don't really want to be the breadwinner for our family, I'll leave it all up to Brendan to get a job he likes :)