My Little Nerd

My daughter loves school--loves it!  The first week she was a little hesitant, she liked it but still wanted us to wait with her until they lined up to go to their room.  Now, though, she is pushing me away, giving me a quick hug and saying okay, bye mom!  When I picked her up yesterday she was gushing about how she did the pink tower all by herself!  (I didn't know what that was, but I was proud that she was proud of herself!)

Yesterday was an open house to show the parents the room, meet the teacher, and have the kids show us their favorite activities.  Brendan hadn't been to her school yet, so it was fun for Ingrid to show her dad where she went.  She showed us how she does the pink tower (blocks of different sizes stacked up about 15 high) and buttoning, and coloring.  I just loved to watch her do things the right way ("we push in our chairs when we get up, Mom.") and she just seemed to really love what she was doing. 

I am once again SO GLAD we have public montessori schools!  This is probably the perfect situation for us.  I was worried about "regular" school for Ingrid, but I know she's not getting enough stimulation with just me and Otis at home.  This way she gets to go to school but is challenged and her mind is worked in interesting ways.  I am so happy!

The Beginning of the End

I think my time as a nursing mom is coming to an end.  After three months of on and off strikes, supplementing with bottles, and worrying if my supply is down, if Otis is getting enough, etc, we are now down to one nursing a day, er night.  Just the night feeding is me, the other two are bottles. 

I have mixed feelings.  Brendan asked me if I was sad when I told him I hadn't nursed the whole day and I thought it was maybe going to be the end of breastfeeding.  I'm not sad really.  I don't really know what I feel.  I kind of feel like a failure for not making it a year.  I kind of feel like I should be trying harder, which means I'm giving up, and no one wants to be a quitter.

But then I feel like it just doesn't matter that much.  Otis is growing and healthy and has had nine months of mama milk.  I know it's kind of a cop out, but that's better than nothing right?  It's just getting so stressful, worrying if he's getting anything, watching him suck at what seems to be an empty breast.  Pumping and getting nothing, and then getting confused because should that tell me I'm right that I might not have much milk coming in, or should I not pay attention to pumping because it's not like the real thing?

Blah.  I don't know.  It's easier to breastfeed, for sure, but then it's kind of nice looking at that bottle, seeing it go from 8oz to 6 to 4 to empty, knowing he's got a full belly.  It's strange not actually feeling him eating, though.  I just see his mouth working but I don't feel it!  It's very strange. 

How long did your kids nurse?  Did you ever slow down like this and then pick back up, or when it went down to one nursing, did it stay that way? 

The School Run

So, after getting used to the idea of Ingrid not going to school this year, we ended up getting into one.  It's not our first choice, we have to drive there, but it's Montessori, it's free, and it's close even though it's not walking distance.

I have issues with the school.  I'm not sure what the deal is, but it's an old middle school that they have split into the Montessori downstairs and a high school upstairs.  Ingrid's room is bright and cheery, but you have to walk down this tunnel like corridor in the basement to get there.  The teachers are all really nice, but frazzled.  When I picked Ingrid up at lunchtime yesterday I could barely say hi to the teacher.  It was just a madhouse!  This morning when we dropped her off, there were about ten billion crying kids, which just broke my heart.  Like not just whimpering, but full on bawling and screaming mama.  And we were in the lunchroom so it was like echoey and loud and Ingrid just looked at me like "you are going to leave me here???"  I stayed with her until they lined up for class.

She is happy there, she is smiley when we walk in, she didn't cry when Otis and I left, she seems happy to be there.  I just don't like the chaos.  I am so used to our leisurely mornings, it is a little jarring to go to this loud clusterf**k at 9am.  Hopefully things will calm down as the school year goes on. 

But it got me thinking of the other school runs I've done in the past and how very different they are from this one.  When I was a nanny I would walk the kids to school and pick them up.  I did it for a couple different families, and they were all at the same school in the same nice neighborhood in a suburb of Milwaukee.  The school run there is moms that don't work walking over or driving their luxury SUVs.  The moms chat about whatever while waiting for their kids, the kids come out in their expensive clothes and go to their after school activities. 

Ingrid's school is in the Mexican part of town.  It's bilingual so everyone speaks Spanish.  There are a handful of white kids there.  School starts at 9am but there is a subsidized breakfast program that most kids take part in, so that's why they start out in the lunch room.  There is an afterschool program, too, so kids could theoretically be at school from 7:45am until 6pm.  Because their parents have to work.  They have nothing else to do with their kids.  It's so different than what I'm used to!

We'll see how the next month or so goes.  If Ingrid starts acting like she doesn't like it, I will take her out.  She can go to the neighborhood Montessori next year for K4.  I love the three hours she's away and Otis naps, but I love having her home, too.  Either way...

Go On Without Me.

Brendan just left with Ingrid for a two night camping excursion.  I am here with Otis, and I could  not be more excited!  Since Otis is teething and therefore not sleeping, I just didn't want to deal with that in a tent with the whole family not getting sleep.  And Brendan's parents are out there already, so they'd be bothered, not to mention anyone in earshot of a screaming baby...It's just best we stay home.

When I told Brendan my thoughts on this, he agreed, but said he'd like it if I could change my mind.  I have to admit, even if Otis weren't teething, the idea of having the house to myself with only Otis is rather charming.  He's sleeping right now and I don't have a three year old tugging at me to color or play or put on a Clifford DVD.  I never get time to myself (and look how myself is me and a baby!  I'm not even really alone, just more alone than usual!) so staying home just sounded so appealing.

I even went so far as to say this could be a new tradition in the making--Brendan's parents go to the same campground every year the week after Labor Day, so Brendan could take the kids for the weekend and go camping with his family while Mama stays home!  He looked appalled at that idea.  "I don't want this to be a tradition!  I want to go camping as a family!"

That got me thinking--am I just selfish?  My mom always relished any time alone, and now that I'm a SAHM I can see why.  The days are a constant barrage of wants, needs, cries, messes, laundry, and dishes.  From 6am until the blessed 7pm bedtime there is chaos.  Most of the time I'm okay with that, but a weekend, a whole three days, without it??  Count me in!

But it's not just that.  I love the idea of Brendan spending time alone with the kids.  It happens far too rarely.  I am one to jump in the car and take a six hour road trip by myself with the kids, spending a week or so with my mom or friends, but he doesn't do that.  I spend tons of time alone with them, but other than a couple hours at the zoo, he does not.  I never did anything with my dad, ever.  I cannot remember one single time we hung out just the two of us, or even just him and the kids.  Scratch that--my mom worked a New Year's Eve in 1984 or so, he had us that night.  All I can remember, honest to god. 

So the idea of being alone is awesome, but the idea of Brendan having Ingrid this weekend, making memories that just the two of them share, is even better!  Because I'm with the kids all day long, they tend to cling to me.  I think they need time with good ol' dad to see he's in charge, too.  And that he's fun!

So, they packed up the car and left an hour or so ago and I put Otis down for a nap.  I am sitting here drinking coffee, on the computer, making a list of things to get done this weekend.  And the house is silent.  And I am loving it.

Giving

Yesterday was the best day.  No whining from Ingrid, no screaming from either of us.  And you know why?  Because I played with her, read her books, we went for a walk and played at the park.  I gave her what she needed.  I have been forgetting her needs lately, and I feel really bad.

I was just thinking of how everyone always told me she was such a good baby, and now people always comment on how sweet and laid back Otis is.  My reply to that is that I give him what he needs.  I hold him if he wants to be held, I feed him when he's hungry.  Just meeting his needs makes him happy the rest of the time.  And then I realized I don't do that with Ingrid. 

I tell her it's not time to eat yet, I say just wait a minute when she asks me to read her a book, I have a million things on my mind instead of focusing on her.  And when I don't focus on her, she starts acting up.  Whining, crying, wetting her pants.  And then I get mad, and I yell at her, and then I feel bad and hug her.  And really, wouldn't it be easier just to pay attention to her in the first place? 

So yesterday I did laundry only when I could make it downstairs, I cleaned up only when she was occupied with something, I read her the stupid Clifford books she loves so much, and she was in the best mood.  Sometimes it's so easy to forget the simple things that make our lives easier.  I feel silly for even having to remember this:  Pay attention to your kid.  Duh.  But life has gotten in the way lately and I need to regroup and remember to live with my kids, not just have them at my side while I go about my way. 

This weekend we will be at the cottage with my family.  I am so excited because it will be fun for all!  Tons of play time!  And hopefully less whining and screaming. 

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

I just saw it's World Breastfeeding Week!  Yay.  Someone on Facebook asked the question "what do you love about breastfeeding?"  Let me tell you:

1. I don't have to worry about water temp.  Not to hot, not too cold.  I hate when the bottle temp is wrong and his royal highness gags like I'm giving him sewage sludge. 

2. No clumps!  Nothing like trying to stir and shake a bottle and have clumps that clog the nipple.  If it won't dissolve in water, what's it doing to my kid's intestines?

3. My nipples are always on right.  Otis' bottles have a vented nipple that you have to have on just right to get the vent to work. 

4. No fumbling around at 3am making a magical potion, spilling formula all over the counter, that ends up being sticky and gross the next day.  My magical potion is ready made and easy to get to in the middle of the night.

5. Special treatment :)  We were at a baseball game this weekend, it was HOTTTT and sweaty, and I got to go to the First Aid room and sit behind a curtain on a comfy chair in the air conditioning so I could nurse Otis.  There were three other moms there and we were all laughing how we weren't in any hurry for our babes to stop eating, since that would mean we had to go back out in the heat. 

6. Looking down and seeing this:

Hello, happy baby!!

A Couple Updates

First of all, an update on our family time.  I think we've been doing pretty well at it.  Brendan has been taking little bike rides after the kids are in bed, so he gets some alone time.  I have been sleeping when Otis does on Saturday mornings, so that helps me catch up on some sleep.  And I also just had to show Brendan that family time does not have to happen only on the weekend and does not have to include a trip somewhere. 

For example, I was sitting in our bed with both kids, we were reading bedtime books.  Otis was smiling and giggling at Ingrid, she was kissing his hands to get another laugh, and I just thought, okay, here's family time.  Where was Brendan?  Out on the computer.  So I called him in and told him if he wanted family time, he'd have to be around his family, not in the other room.

This weekend has been super fun.  We went to the children's museum with friends, so Brendan took Ingrid around while I sat in the baby area and talked to a friend.  It was family time but also hanging out time.  I got some sewing done while Brendan played with the kids in the backyard.  He's out right now by himself.  I feel like this weekend we did a good job balancing.  Who knows if it will last, but it works right now!

I think Otis getting older is helping.  I know Brendan used to feel helpless when Otis was a newborn because he couldn't feed him.  He couldn't figure out how to calm him down.  But now Otis is a lot easier to figure out, he doesn't cry very often, and I've been trying to make sure I'm not the only one putting him down to bed.  I did that with Ingrid and I'm totally regretting she never got used to anyone else putting her to bed!

Which brings us to Otis and feedings.  He's been pretty good about nursing, he does most of the time.  But sometimes, like today, his teeth are killing him and he just refuses.  So he gets a bottle.  It's not often, and I don't really mind.  I wish I didn't have to, but I also don't want to deal with a screaming baby.  We seem to have figured it out.  He's eating solids three times a day now and that helps, too.  Not every single feed has to be from me, Brendan can help with those. 

Ingrid is enjoying her Montessori program.  She cried when we left her last week, though, it broke my heart.  The teachers said two seconds after I was gone she was fine, so I guess it's not that big of a deal.  She comes home with lots of stories about her new little friends, and tons of paintings.  What the hell do you do with all these paintings??  We hung some up in the kitchen, I'm going to save some for wrapping gifts for the grandparents, and I will recycle the rest I guess. 

I have to get her signed up for the K3 Montessori still.  I tried to go there last week but no one was there.  Can't get a hold of anyone on the phone.  The message says their hours are 7-4 but I think that's not during July.  The school is in a shitty neighborhood and it made me sad that I was hesitant about sending her there.  The teachers are awesome, why do I care if there's ghetto apartments across the street?  Am I a snob?  Either way, if we can get her into the neighborhood Montessori next year we will.  I'd much rather walk her to school than drive her downtown...

Anyway, that's our news.  Or non-news, really.  It's not very exciting.  It's lazy summer, we're pretty happy and everyone's healthy.  We're enjoying being in Milwaukee, and we're excited about buying a house soon.