This weekend sucked. Big time. Ingrid is getting molars and is snotty, crabby, and not sleeping. But I won't talk about sleep because it's the same old story--we're not getting any and I get pissy about it! But then she'll sleep and I'll think we're through the worst of it and congratulate myself for getting over it, and then she won't sleep and I'll feel like I will never once get a full night sleep in my life...
However, this weekend also saw the return of yelly mama. Not pretty, by anyone's standards. I screamed more than once at Ingrid to pick up toys, and I'm not proud. There is something so infuriating about her smirk she gives me when I say let's pick up. She looks at me, turns away, and blatantly ignores me. It just drives me crazy! It's also my time to be a woman, and I forgot to take my pills for a couple days, we haven't gotten sleep, all leading to a very yelly mama.
I hate when I get like that. Why can't it be my nature to just be mellow and relax and not get upset? But it's my nature to grab Ingrid and yell at her and force her to pick up, which really just makes her cry, makes my husband upset, and makes me cry and hate myself. I have to tell myself to calm down and find another way, breathe, relax, be gentle and calm and kind. It doesn't come naturally, and this weekend it didn't come at all.
I really don't want to get in the habit of yelling at Ingrid, I want to be that kinder, gentler person. So I told myself no more yelling, no more going nuts, no more power struggles, no more!! I calmed down, she calmed down, and when she woke up crying and wouldn't let me go last night, I laid on the couch in her room and just rubbed her back, listened to her breathe, and cherished the time I had to do this with her. Someday she won't want me around, I am going to enjoy her wanting me even though it means I'm scrunched up on a love seat with a 30 lb. baby with her arms wrapped so tightly around my neck I can barely breathe.
This morning I awoke with a new determination to get back to my better self. And it has really been a great morning. We've colored and Ingrid helped me wipe off the counter in the bathroom. We made yummy oatmeal cookies with lots of cloves in them, and we read tons of books. I have not once yelled at her, she has not once had a tantrum, and we are having a peaceful day.