Baking Epiphany.

The past few days have been downers for me, I don't know why. I was really unmotivated to do anything, I let the house get a mess, there was no food in the pantry or fridge. I was sick of watching Ingrid, I didn't want to do anything with her even though I knew she was bored and that's why she was acting out. I just felt...blah.

Then yesterday morning we got up early and had a playdate with our friends Jami and Ben. I made a loaf of banana/zuchinni bread and after I put it in the oven I had this strange feeling come over me. I had missed baking! Making that loaf of bread suddenly made me feel more peaceful, ready to deal with a toddler, and reminded me I like my simple life. How can that be? It was like something clicked and I remembered why I like to be a stay at home mom and what kind of life I want to lead.

I admit, I get carried away with daydreams. Lately I've been getting a lot of people wanting to trade things for the dresses and owls I make and I started thinking of how nice it would be to have a little sewing room where no little hands could pull things off tables and get into the felt scraps. I started getting irritated with Ingrid for being the curious person I usually love that she is. I started wanting her to need me less so I could get on and do my own thing. That simple act of making a loaf of bread put me back into reality--I am at home with a one year old. I have a home to take care of, a dog that needs walking, a toddler to keep entertained, and some fresh air and sunshine that need to be taken in. Perhaps in a few years there will be time for hard core sewing, but for now I have to take advantage of what I have--an adorable daughter that wants to play!

So the rest of the day went smoothly. We went to our friend's house, we came home and Ingrid napped. I got three owls cut out to be worked on after Ingrid went to bed. After naptime we spent the afternoon outside. And I was really in tune and happy to be where I was. Thank god, because I really hate feeling cranky and crabby!

I'm Still Me.

My friend Mirabelle came to visit last night. She was driving from Montreal to Milwaukee and stopped at our house for a night. We got to hang out today until she had to be on her way which was so much fun! We've been friends for a long time and she is just the most honest person ever. She is great person to just sit and drink coffee and chat away the morning with. Especially since we haven't talked in a few months, we had tons of catching up to do.

After chatting about old friends and old problems and new things going on in Milwaukee and elsewhere, we talked about what I've been up to lately. I didn't think it was anything special--I hang out with Ingrid, I bake bread, I sew things. Pretty boring stuff. But she said she was really happy for me because I sounded really content and happy and she was glad to hear I was still me and not some robot stay at home mom.

Ahh, the robo-sahm! It was one thing I NEVER wanted to be!! I always always always wanted to remember who I was as a person. I used to be fun! I used to be a punk! I used to stay up past 10pm. Wait, no I didn't. I never could stay up very late :) But I didn't want my life to revolve around babies. I love babies and I think about having another, but I don't want my conversations to all be about poop or teething or sleep deprivation. Yes, I love to talk with other mamas about stuff like that because it is my life, but I don't want that to be the ONLY thing I talk about. And I worry about that sometimes, like when Brendan comes home and asks what we did that day. Laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, bought groceries. *yawn* I love my days like that, but it does sound boring. I want to make sure I'm still an interesting person, you know?

So anyway, Mirabelle was excited I was doing crafty stuff and connecting with other people. She said she was glad I was still me. And that made me really happy. I'm glad old friends that don't have kids and therefore don't think about diapers and stuff all the time can still have a conversation with me and still think I'm interesting!!

My Job

I love my job. I love that I get to sit here on the computer with a cup of coffee while Ingrid reads books. I am in my pajamas, I haven't yet washed my face or brushed my teeth, I don't even have to until I'm good and ready for it. I love that I get to just...be.

My days consist of figuring out how to entertain a one year old and making a mental list of what needs to get done around the house. And if I have a free minute I can watch dvr-ed House Hunters or do some crafting. Or both! Or take a nap!

I really enjoyed being a nanny because it wasn't like a "real" job. But there I had to do things according to someone else's idea of what was good for the kid, good for the house. Here I get to do whatever I want because it's my kid, it's my house, and if the laundry piles up because I just don't feel like doing it that day, I don't have to explain it to anyone!

I feel like this is just the job meant for me and I thank my lucky stars that Brendan is such a dedicated scientist and that he loves to work and bring home the bacon. And I like that he seems to appreciate everything I do around here and doesn't make me feel like I should be working a job outside the home. He knows how important it is for Ingrid to have a parent watching her all day, and he knows that if I'm home it means he doesn't have to do much around the house because I get it done.

Obviously there are cons to this situation (no sick days, no going home at 5pm, no sleeping in on the weekends) but I think the payoffs are worth any of those cons. I just feel so lucky that this is my life :)