I am feeling so good lately! I have been super busy and just keeping myself motivated to do stuff. Awhile ago I was feeling really lethargic and tired all the time. I got my blood tested to see if I had issues with my thyroid, I took pregnancy tests, I just thought something was off. Turns out I think I was just a bit depressed.
Depression really confuses me, and I've dealt with it most of my life. Sometimes it's obvious, like I'm sad and I'll cry for no reason. Other times I get blah and tired and it takes me awhile to realize what's going on. I'll get these intense urges to just run away from my life and start over somewhere new. Now that I'm a grownup and have a house, a husband and two kids, I know I can't do that, I have to face the issue and deal with it rather than run away like I used to in my 20s.
Anyway, I realized it was a bit of depression after I had a night out with a friend. We just sat and had a cup of coffee and caught up with each others lives. The next day I bounced out of bed and felt so good, I didn't even take a nap with Otis, I had energy and motivation! So now the key is to keep doing things like that so I feel like myself. And with that comes the balance of keeping the mister happy, too, since I always feel like I'm living this great life and he's stuck at work or home with the kids while I'm out being a social butterfly.
I have no problem with him going out, mind you. He just doesn't go that often. He's such a dude, he complains about not having things to do, but then never calls any of his friends. He comes home from work and crashes on the couch when the kids are in bed. Does this mean I should stay and keep him company all the time? I mean, I would love it if we could go out together, but at the same time I love having time with lady friends and NO KIDS! That's the thing--I do see my girlfriends during the week when we have playdates or meet up at the community center, but then we're chasing after a gaggle of 2 year olds and you can't have a freakin' conversation to save your life. It's better than nothing, but it's still not enough sometimes, you know? I want to sit and talk and be able to follow a thought to the end without having to tell someone to share, stop hitting, wipe a nose, etc.
This week I had a show, so I was gone one night. Then today I have to help out at the shop I sell my stuff at, so I'll be gone the whole day. I mentioned that Monday night there's a mom's night out and the mister got a bit prickly "Oh, so you'll be gone again?" Part of me really did want to ask for permission so he wouldn't feel like I was just taking off, but then part of me wanted to get pissed like why should I ask permission?? I'm home with these kids 24/7, I don't get to leave and talk to adults or go to the bathroom by myself or eat lunch by myself. Oh my god, I took a shower while the kids were (I thought) playing nicely together, only to find out as soon as I was in the middle of washing my hair that they had both slammed doors and couldn't get them open (old house...) and each was banging on a door begging to be let out. I heard all this commotion and screams of "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!!" and I just sighed. I want to wash my hair, is that too much to ask?
But then he is working all day, it's not like he's relaxing. And then he comes home to the chaos of kids. And my life is pretty sweet I think, I get to stay home, there is no daycare, I get to sew, I get to stay in my pjs if I want, I get to take a nap with Otis sometimes, I get to be lazy and not sweep or do laundry if I don't feel like it. And yes, the whole playdate thing is not ideal but it is pretty nice to sit and drink coffee with friends even with screaming kids running around. So I feel bad that I get this amazing stay at home life and I complain about it sometimes. And then I expect to go out on top of all that.
There must be a balance and I still have yet to find it.
Baby Goats and the War Machine
2 months ago