Actually it's been weeks since I've felt like a good mom but today was horrible. And it's only 3pm. I haven't been taking my meds lately with all the puking going on, so I'm on edge. I know you're not supposed to just stop altogether taking them, you're supposed to ease off them, and I didn't. So I have been really bitchy and yelly and just having no patience. On top of being sick and exhausted and getting fatter every day. No good.
Today was the wakeup call--again--that I need to refocus on my parenting skills. I remember these blissful times of baking with Ingrid, letting her make a mess, walking at a snail's pace letting her take in every part of nature she wanted. I remember crafting with her, reading to her, playing with her, and her being happy. I haven't felt that way in a long time.
Lately it has been yelling at her to move her ass up the stairs before she pees her pants again, or to get back in bed for the fifth time and just go to sleep already, or to put down that cherry she's smearing all over the couch. Our walks are hurried because it's hot and I'm wanting to go lay on the couch again. I grab her arm and probably hurt her and why? Because I'm focused on my needs and what I want to do at that moment. I want to get around the block in less than a half hour, so I grab her, tell her to walk, make her cry, and feel like shit.
Today she would not take a nap because she said she had to poop. But that is a worn out stall tactic most days, so I told her to go back to bed. She got her toys, I took them away, she got her books, I took them away. It was an hour of me yelling at her to get back in bed and close her eyes and go to sleep. She just WOULD NOT do it!!! I almost lost it, I just wanted to scream (who am I kidding, I did scream...) So one more time in her room yelling, she cried and then started saying "I sorry mama, I sorry!" I broke down in tears and hugged her and let her get out of the bed. She clearly was not going to nap, why fight it? And wouldn't you know, five minutes later she's running to the bathroom needing to poo--she hadn't been stalling at all.
But how am I supposed to know that???? It's the boy who cried wolf, completely! She says it every day at naptime, every night at bedtime, and it's only true about 5% of the time!
Anyway, I feel like shit for all the yelling, I feel like I stopped being an attached parent somewhere along the way. Now that she's not so dependent on me I just let her go about her way, forgetting she still needs me to listen to her and that our relationship can only be happy if we are both involved in it. Why can't I remember this? Why do I let things get out of hand and then have to come to this realization every few months?
2 weeks ago