mama liddle

If you have health care, you're lucky!

2012-02-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

We just got the bill from Otis' time spent in the hospital. In December he was in for pneumonia, had to have a chest x-ray, lots of doctors came to visit, he stayed three nights. All of this adds up to a hefty bill. Luckily we have insurance through Brendan's work, but still the bill was close to $2000. Ugh, just as we started saving a big chunk of dough for our house down payment!! Will our savings ever get to just sit there and not get hit by a big bill??

I have lived for most of my adult life without insurance, never going to the doctor when I was sick because I couldn't afford it, having a huge bill when I did have to go, which took me years to pay off. Thank god I never got into an accident or had to be admitted to a hospital! That would've killed me. When I was a full time nanny I started paying for my own insurance, and I kept that until Brendan was done with school and he got insurance through his job. He went without. When Ingrid was born, she was on state care. We are a family that was trying to get somewhere in our lives. Working hard, going to school and working full time, having a baby, trying to finish up a phd so Brendan could get a better job. And we could not have done it if something medical had happened to us. We would not have been able to pay for any bills. How sad is that?? Our whole lives could've been changed forever if we had been in an accident or had a major illness.

When we got to Michigan, we had the best insurance ever. We paid in every month from Brendan's check and then paid nothing, NOT A DIME, the rest of the time. Well, a $50 copay when we went to the emergency room, and I think I had to pay something for a scan done in another hospital that wasn't covered. But I had Ingrid's monthly checkups, my hospital stay for my throat cyst, my three weeks of bedrest before Otis was here, Otis' two weeks in the NICU. We paid something like $300 for all of that!

Why oh why can't all insurance be like that? I just don't get it! We pay into our insurance here but a three day stay at the hospital this time costs us nearly two grand. It makes no sense to me. And that might not be all we have to pay, because on top of the hospital bill we will be getting charged from each doctor who treated Otis. That is something that boggles my mind. I am paying the hospital already, but now I have to pay someone that works there, too?? Ugh.

This is not to complain about my life. I love my life, I love that we have insurance we can afford, I'm glad we're only paying two grand and not twenty grand. I am just pointing out how crazy it is that people can't afford insurance and they are the ones that have to pay through the nose to get help. And don't get me started on getting any help. If you're not miles below poverty level you can't get assistance. When I was a single 24 year old and went to the hospital, I was told I didn't make the cut for state help. I made twelve thousand dollars that year...Not exactly rolling in it, but I made too much to get assistance.

Anyway, if you are in a country with health care, thank your lucky stars you're not here in the good ol' USA, where they could care less if you're healthy or not.

House Hunting

2012-01-23T05:50:00.000-08:00

It has been pretty mellow around here, just living life every day. We are starting to look for a house, which is exciting! Brendan and I have been together for almost ten years and we have moved every year or two since then. It will be so nice to settle down for awhile. We looked at three houses yesterday and I have to say, it's fun to imagine yourself in some houses, but it's also depressing seeing how little we get for our price range.

I am not one to need a big house, but I do need a usable house. I need counter space in my kitchen (something I have never had, ever) and I need a room that we can live in that won't feel cluttered the minute we put a couch and toys in there. The first house we looked at had everything we need, I am so geeked about it and wish we were actually in buying mode. We're not, we are still saving but just starting to look so we know what we want when the time comes to buy. This house is updated but still has things we can do to make it our own. It has a great entryway (for all those boots and mittens that are strewn about right now...) and a cozy living room, and good sized bedrooms, and an attic that is all ready to be finished and made into a sewing studio!! Or a master bedroom but I'm leaning toward a sewing studio.

The other houses we looked at were...okay. One only had two bedrooms so it wasn't really an option, we just wanted to look. It was immaculate, these people are organizers to the extreme. I have never seen paint in the basement so well organized! They had everything labeled and put away, I was in heaven just looking at it! But it only has two bedrooms and a tiny kitchen and just wouldn't fit our needs. The third house we looked at was TINY. Like I felt claustrophobic just walking around and there was no furniture in it! The dining room was barely big enough for a two seater table, let alone a big table and high chair. The kitchen, as much as I love vintage kitchens, was too vintage. Like vintage in a way that can't really be used. And the bedrooms were teeny, did people not have full size beds back in the day??

So we had fun looking and imagining and now I am in full decorator mode, excited for the day we are in a house we will be in for more than a year. A friend sent me a link to this blog, that has house tours of other bloggers. I had so much fun last night after the kids went to bed just browsing and pinning everything I liked. Which was a lot. Now this morning I'm looking at my sad walls and thinking of what I can do to spice things up without spending any money and using what I have. Which should be easy enough, I have bins of fabric and crap shoved in every closet, I should be able to come up with something...

Homeschool Question

2012-01-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

I like the idea of homeschooling and I don't believe kids need the "socialization" that school brings. But...I know Ingrid is a social butterfly and loves to be around kids her own age. So I need to know how other homeschooling parents deal with this. Are there other homeschoolers around that you meet up with? I'm trying to get one together around here but I'm not sure how many other homeschoolers there are. There have to be more, right? I'm in a city! There are tons of people here, I'm not the only one thinking of homeschooling.

Any advice would be appreciated!!

The Smear Campaign Continues

2012-01-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve brought another baby's death in Milwaukee. Another sad, tragic case that they are blaming on co-sleeping. I am completely saddened by the idea of a baby dying at such a young age (approximately two months old) and yet I am angered that it is being used to continue a smear campaign.

From what I have read, it goes something like this: Baby was passed from 22 yo aunt to 10 yo aunt at bedtime. 10 yo takes baby into a room with a few other kids all sleeping on two crib mattresses on the floor. Sometime in the night, someone sees baby is unconcious, which is when they go wake up the parents that are in the house! And somehow this is called a co-sleeping death!

A few points to this story make me really upset--one, that the baby apparently had been throwing up and having seizures the day before and yet was not at the hospital or even being closely monitered by parents. Two, that baby was left in the charge of a ten year old. I babysat as a kid, I started at 11 and was very mature for my age. But, never did I have a sick baby in my care! Three, that the parents were home but were not taking care of their own (sick) baby.

This is a case of neglect, pure and simple. A case that has everything to do with the poverty these people are living in and the fact they are obviously uneducated on how to take care of a child. The baby was passed from person to person throughout the night, when her parents were in the same house sleeping. There was no cosleeping, there were a bunch of kids shoved in a room with a baby in the middle. That is not cosleeping!!

Instead of finding a scapegoat in cosleeping, which can be a very beneficial and lovely practice, the authorities should be educating parents everywhere on how to safely care for a child with basic ideas like don't leave your baby with a ten year old! Or don't put a 2 month old in a bed with other kids! Those are easy things to teach people, right?

Happy At Home

2012-01-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

So I thought a lot about the pros and cons of Ingrid in school and talked it over with the mister. I thought he'd be against taking her out, since he's a pretty traditional school kind of guy. But luckily he didn't have any major issues with it. I think he's noticed a change in her, too. And I don't know, it just seems my gut instinct that it was school that made for the change in her attitude.

One thing I have issues with is how gregarious Ingrid is. I worry she needs that time with other kids her age. Today we went to the children's museum and she ran right up to a kid her age and said "HI! Let's be friends, okay?" And then they played together until we went to the next installation. She loves other kids, I don't want her to be denied that. Are play dates, story times and outings enough? I kind of like it because it will mean she and Otis kind of have to rely on each other and play together, and if I have siblings, I might as well have ones that like each other, right?

Anyway, this week has been so nice, just playing and painting, coloring, going outside. Ingrid has helped me with laundry, wiping off the tables, cleaning the bathroom, making dinner. She has had zero temper tantrums and only a couple times she cried, both at the end of the day when everyone is crabby and hungry and tired. Otherwise she is singing, playing with her toys, coming up to me and hugging me, saying "I like you, mom." She plays with Otis, shares with him, is overall just happier.

It just makes me happy. I have to sign her up for next fall already next week, which feels kind of funny, like we just made this big decision to keep her home but I have to decide about next fall right now. Oh well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Maybe 4 is magic for her, she'll be totally fine. And if not, I won't hesitate to pull her out again!

To School or Not?

2012-01-03T10:45:00.000-08:00

Yeesh, it's been almost two months since I've posted last. Sorry, guys, it's been crazy busy! But I have been thinking about this whole school thing for awhile now, so I thought I'd post my thoughts and see what the wise blogger women had to say.

Ingrid is in K3 Montessori this year. She likes it. The K3 class stays until lunch, then most go home, but they do have an afternoon part they can stay at, with lunch, recess, a story, and resting time. Ingrid likes school so much she asked to stay for the afternoon. Which means she's in school from 9am until 3:30pm. Every day.

Part of me finds this just fine. She likes it, she never cries when I leave her, she never is upset when Otis and I walk out the door. She has friends at school, loves her teachers. I like that it doesn't interfere with Otis' nap time anymore, since he sleeps until 1-2pm. I also like not having to drop her off to school and then turning around a couple hours later to pick her up again.

But...

I feel like school has made her so sassy. And emotional. The past few weeks have been horrible, with temper tantrums and crying at the drop of a hat and not listening and lots of yelling. I was completely at a loss. Then we had off for the holidays. We got back into our routine of a slow morning with lots of play, coloring, puzzles, running errands, then resting time in the afternoon. Temper tantrums slowly faded, my happy girl was back, and I was so much more calm having her home.

She loves to pull out this bag of scrap fabric I have and play fabric store. Or play with her guys and her new castle she got for Christmas. And I love that she will do that for hours! Or read seventy books in a row if she feels like it. Otis is pretty much the same way, too, so instead of rush rush rush, put a screaming baby in the car seat, run into school, drive home, more screaming baby, back in the car, etc etc, we just hung out, didn't drive anywhere for a couple days at a time, everyone was happy.

School was supposed to start today, only I thought it was tomorrow. So we went to the library for story time, the kids had a blast, Ingrid was loving being with all the other kids. And I thought really, tomorrow we have to go back to the hustle and bustle of school time? I don't wanna!! Part of me just wants to keep her home until K4 starts next fall. She is happy at home, I'm happy with her at home (not one of those parents who loves the start of school, which I DO understand, but for us it's so much easier to be home!!) But what to do? Is it me being selfish because I just don't want to do the school run anymore and be rushed in the morning? Would it be teaching her something like you can quit if you don't like it? Is that a bad thing?

I think the main thing I'm learning is that school is SO not on my high priority list right now. If she has to miss a day, it totally does not bother me. Jesus, if she misses the next semester it wouldn't bother me! I could see her staying home until Otis goes to kindergarten, honestly. So if it's easier for me, I am game to keep her home. But, is that fair to her? She likes school. She likes home, too, but am I keeping her from something? We do story time and there's a kid's time at the Children's Museum, too, so we'd have our outings, and we always have play dates.

What to do??????

Cosleeping Smear Campaign

2011-11-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

I just found out about this ad campaign that will be starting soon in Milwaukee. I am absolutely sickened by this and I am going to try to find out what I can do to get it stopped!! Ads of sleeping babies with KNIVES next to them saying sleeping next to a parent is just as dangerous!

Here's a link to the article in our local paper. You can see the ads there.

I am absolutely dumbstruck by how uninformed people can be! One of the things that strikes me about this is it says infant deaths was 5.9 per 1000 in whites and 14.1 for blacks. Obviously this has something to do with the inner city and poverty. Another article I read, which I have to search for, said something about how people aren't cosleeping for any baby benefits, but because they don't have a crib for their baby. They are sleeping on the couch or in a recliner because they don't have a bed. Perhaps we should figure out a way to get cribs to low income families instead?

It makes me so mad to see these ads. Instead of scaring the shit out people who might not know what to do, let's educate them, shall we? There are reputable places to go to find out more about safe cosleeping and bedsharing, like La Leche League, or Dr. Sears. And they all have similar guidelines, why not make an ad showing correct cosleeping techniques instead of a picture of a baby with a meat cleaver???

This just brings up so many emotions because being a mother is so hard. They don't come with instructions, you get told so many different things on what's right or what works. Then you have people intent on telling you every scary story of anything bad that ever happened to anyone they've ever known. It's nerve wracking to be a new parent. One thing I wish I would've known when having Ingrid is to follow my own instinct. To follow Ingrid's wishes and needs. But instead I was told to not hold her or she'd be clingy. To get her on a schedule so she would be easier to deal with. To make her sleep on her own, at certain times.

I tried those things and felt stressed out because they didn't work for me. So I held her. I fed her when she wanted to eat. I had her in our room, in a vibrating seat because she didn't want to sleep in a crib at first. I always felt like I was doing something wrong because I thought I should be able to get her to sleep in a crib--because people told me she should. Not because it's a well known fact babies love cribs at a month old, but because they want babies to love cribs at a month old!

And then with Otis I finally felt comfortable enough to say fuck it and do what felt right to me. He took all his naps in the Moby for the first six months, he ate whenever he wanted, even if it meant getting up four times at night (no, he's not sleeping through the night at eight weeks, are you crazy???) He was in our room for eight months. And not once did I feel like I was doing anything wrong, I felt like I was doing things right! Because they worked! He was a happy, healthy baby, and I know it was because he got his needs met.

I have been thinking of this for awhile because there's a group I started on Facebook for local moms and some of the things people post just make me sad. "My daughter is nine weeks old and won't sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time in her crib. It's driving me crazy!" So wear that little girl! Get your house cleaned while she sleeps :) "My daughter loves to be swaddled but I want to know how to get her out of it, I'm afraid she'll have sleep issues if she is swaddled for too long." Really? Your kid will tell you they want to be swaddled or not swaddled. Ingrid didn't like it at all and was out of swaddling after a couple weeks. Otis loved it and was swaddled for months. Trust your babies to tell you what they need!

And you know what? They don't need to sleep with a knife. They do, sometimes, however, need to sleep with their mother.

My Little Nerd

2011-09-30T05:03:00.000-07:00

My daughter loves school--loves it! The first week she was a little hesitant, she liked it but still wanted us to wait with her until they lined up to go to their room. Now, though, she is pushing me away, giving me a quick hug and saying okay, bye mom! When I picked her up yesterday she was gushing about how she did the pink tower all by herself! (I didn't know what that was, but I was proud that she was proud of herself!)

Yesterday was an open house to show the parents the room, meet the teacher, and have the kids show us their favorite activities. Brendan hadn't been to her school yet, so it was fun for Ingrid to show her dad where she went. She showed us how she does the pink tower (blocks of different sizes stacked up about 15 high) and buttoning, and coloring. I just loved to watch her do things the right way ("we push in our chairs when we get up, Mom.") and she just seemed to really love what she was doing.

I am once again SO GLAD we have public montessori schools! This is probably the perfect situation for us. I was worried about "regular" school for Ingrid, but I know she's not getting enough stimulation with just me and Otis at home. This way she gets to go to school but is challenged and her mind is worked in interesting ways. I am so happy!

The Beginning of the End

2011-09-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

I think my time as a nursing mom is coming to an end. After three months of on and off strikes, supplementing with bottles, and worrying if my supply is down, if Otis is getting enough, etc, we are now down to one nursing a day, er night. Just the night feeding is me, the other two are bottles.

I have mixed feelings. Brendan asked me if I was sad when I told him I hadn't nursed the whole day and I thought it was maybe going to be the end of breastfeeding. I'm not sad really. I don't really know what I feel. I kind of feel like a failure for not making it a year. I kind of feel like I should be trying harder, which means I'm giving up, and no one wants to be a quitter.

But then I feel like it just doesn't matter that much. Otis is growing and healthy and has had nine months of mama milk. I know it's kind of a cop out, but that's better than nothing right? It's just getting so stressful, worrying if he's getting anything, watching him suck at what seems to be an empty breast. Pumping and getting nothing, and then getting confused because should that tell me I'm right that I might not have much milk coming in, or should I not pay attention to pumping because it's not like the real thing?

Blah. I don't know. It's easier to breastfeed, for sure, but then it's kind of nice looking at that bottle, seeing it go from 8oz to 6 to 4 to empty, knowing he's got a full belly. It's strange not actually feeling him eating, though. I just see his mouth working but I don't feel it! It's very strange.

How long did your kids nurse? Did you ever slow down like this and then pick back up, or when it went down to one nursing, did it stay that way?

The School Run

2011-09-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

So, after getting used to the idea of Ingrid not going to school this year, we ended up getting into one. It's not our first choice, we have to drive there, but it's Montessori, it's free, and it's close even though it's not walking distance.

I have issues with the school. I'm not sure what the deal is, but it's an old middle school that they have split into the Montessori downstairs and a high school upstairs. Ingrid's room is bright and cheery, but you have to walk down this tunnel like corridor in the basement to get there. The teachers are all really nice, but frazzled. When I picked Ingrid up at lunchtime yesterday I could barely say hi to the teacher. It was just a madhouse! This morning when we dropped her off, there were about ten billion crying kids, which just broke my heart. Like not just whimpering, but full on bawling and screaming mama. And we were in the lunchroom so it was like echoey and loud and Ingrid just looked at me like "you are going to leave me here???" I stayed with her until they lined up for class.

She is happy there, she is smiley when we walk in, she didn't cry when Otis and I left, she seems happy to be there. I just don't like the chaos. I am so used to our leisurely mornings, it is a little jarring to go to this loud clusterf**k at 9am. Hopefully things will calm down as the school year goes on.

But it got me thinking of the other school runs I've done in the past and how very different they are from this one. When I was a nanny I would walk the kids to school and pick them up. I did it for a couple different families, and they were all at the same school in the same nice neighborhood in a suburb of Milwaukee. The school run there is moms that don't work walking over or driving their luxury SUVs. The moms chat about whatever while waiting for their kids, the kids come out in their expensive clothes and go to their after school activities.

Ingrid's school is in the Mexican part of town. It's bilingual so everyone speaks Spanish. There are a handful of white kids there. School starts at 9am but there is a subsidized breakfast program that most kids take part in, so that's why they start out in the lunch room. There is an afterschool program, too, so kids could theoretically be at school from 7:45am until 6pm. Because their parents have to work. They have nothing else to do with their kids. It's so different than what I'm used to!

We'll see how the next month or so goes. If Ingrid starts acting like she doesn't like it, I will take her out. She can go to the neighborhood Montessori next year for K4. I love the three hours she's away and Otis naps, but I love having her home, too. Either way...

Go On Without Me.

2011-09-09T06:44:00.000-07:00

Brendan just left with Ingrid for a two night camping excursion. I am here with Otis, and I could not be more excited! Since Otis is teething and therefore not sleeping, I just didn't want to deal with that in a tent with the whole family not getting sleep. And Brendan's parents are out there already, so they'd be bothered, not to mention anyone in earshot of a screaming baby...It's just best we stay home.

When I told Brendan my thoughts on this, he agreed, but said he'd like it if I could change my mind. I have to admit, even if Otis weren't teething, the idea of having the house to myself with only Otis is rather charming. He's sleeping right now and I don't have a three year old tugging at me to color or play or put on a Clifford DVD. I never get time to myself (and look how myself is me and a baby! I'm not even really alone, just more alone than usual!) so staying home just sounded so appealing.

I even went so far as to say this could be a new tradition in the making--Brendan's parents go to the same campground every year the week after Labor Day, so Brendan could take the kids for the weekend and go camping with his family while Mama stays home! He looked appalled at that idea. "I don't want this to be a tradition! I want to go camping as a family!"

That got me thinking--am I just selfish? My mom always relished any time alone, and now that I'm a SAHM I can see why. The days are a constant barrage of wants, needs, cries, messes, laundry, and dishes. From 6am until the blessed 7pm bedtime there is chaos. Most of the time I'm okay with that, but a weekend, a whole three days, without it?? Count me in!

But it's not just that. I love the idea of Brendan spending time alone with the kids. It happens far too rarely. I am one to jump in the car and take a six hour road trip by myself with the kids, spending a week or so with my mom or friends, but he doesn't do that. I spend tons of time alone with them, but other than a couple hours at the zoo, he does not. I never did anything with my dad, ever. I cannot remember one single time we hung out just the two of us, or even just him and the kids. Scratch that--my mom worked a New Year's Eve in 1984 or so, he had us that night. All I can remember, honest to god.

So the idea of being alone is awesome, but the idea of Brendan having Ingrid this weekend, making memories that just the two of them share, is even better! Because I'm with the kids all day long, they tend to cling to me. I think they need time with good ol' dad to see he's in charge, too. And that he's fun!

So, they packed up the car and left an hour or so ago and I put Otis down for a nap. I am sitting here drinking coffee, on the computer, making a list of things to get done this weekend. And the house is silent. And I am loving it.

Giving

2011-08-11T05:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the best day. No whining from Ingrid, no screaming from either of us. And you know why? Because I played with her, read her books, we went for a walk and played at the park. I gave her what she needed. I have been forgetting her needs lately, and I feel really bad.

I was just thinking of how everyone always told me she was such a good baby, and now people always comment on how sweet and laid back Otis is. My reply to that is that I give him what he needs. I hold him if he wants to be held, I feed him when he's hungry. Just meeting his needs makes him happy the rest of the time. And then I realized I don't do that with Ingrid.

I tell her it's not time to eat yet, I say just wait a minute when she asks me to read her a book, I have a million things on my mind instead of focusing on her. And when I don't focus on her, she starts acting up. Whining, crying, wetting her pants. And then I get mad, and I yell at her, and then I feel bad and hug her. And really, wouldn't it be easier just to pay attention to her in the first place?

So yesterday I did laundry only when I could make it downstairs, I cleaned up only when she was occupied with something, I read her the stupid Clifford books she loves so much, and she was in the best mood. Sometimes it's so easy to forget the simple things that make our lives easier. I feel silly for even having to remember this: Pay attention to your kid. Duh. But life has gotten in the way lately and I need to regroup and remember to live with my kids, not just have them at my side while I go about my way.

This weekend we will be at the cottage with my family. I am so excited because it will be fun for all! Tons of play time! And hopefully less whining and screaming.

Happy World Breastfeeding Week!

2011-08-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

I just saw it's World Breastfeeding Week! Yay. Someone on Facebook asked the question "what do you love about breastfeeding?" Let me tell you:

1. I don't have to worry about water temp. Not to hot, not too cold. I hate when the bottle temp is wrong and his royal highness gags like I'm giving him sewage sludge.

2. No clumps! Nothing like trying to stir and shake a bottle and have clumps that clog the nipple. If it won't dissolve in water, what's it doing to my kid's intestines?

3. My nipples are always on right. Otis' bottles have a vented nipple that you have to have on just right to get the vent to work.

4. No fumbling around at 3am making a magical potion, spilling formula all over the counter, that ends up being sticky and gross the next day. My magical potion is ready made and easy to get to in the middle of the night.

5. Special treatment :) We were at a baseball game this weekend, it was HOTTTT and sweaty, and I got to go to the First Aid room and sit behind a curtain on a comfy chair in the air conditioning so I could nurse Otis. There were three other moms there and we were all laughing how we weren't in any hurry for our babes to stop eating, since that would mean we had to go back out in the heat.

6. Looking down and seeing this:

Hello, happy baby!!

A Couple Updates

2011-07-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

First of all, an update on our family time. I think we've been doing pretty well at it. Brendan has been taking little bike rides after the kids are in bed, so he gets some alone time. I have been sleeping when Otis does on Saturday mornings, so that helps me catch up on some sleep. And I also just had to show Brendan that family time does not have to happen only on the weekend and does not have to include a trip somewhere.

For example, I was sitting in our bed with both kids, we were reading bedtime books. Otis was smiling and giggling at Ingrid, she was kissing his hands to get another laugh, and I just thought, okay, here's family time. Where was Brendan? Out on the computer. So I called him in and told him if he wanted family time, he'd have to be around his family, not in the other room.

This weekend has been super fun. We went to the children's museum with friends, so Brendan took Ingrid around while I sat in the baby area and talked to a friend. It was family time but also hanging out time. I got some sewing done while Brendan played with the kids in the backyard. He's out right now by himself. I feel like this weekend we did a good job balancing. Who knows if it will last, but it works right now!

I think Otis getting older is helping. I know Brendan used to feel helpless when Otis was a newborn because he couldn't feed him. He couldn't figure out how to calm him down. But now Otis is a lot easier to figure out, he doesn't cry very often, and I've been trying to make sure I'm not the only one putting him down to bed. I did that with Ingrid and I'm totally regretting she never got used to anyone else putting her to bed!

Which brings us to Otis and feedings. He's been pretty good about nursing, he does most of the time. But sometimes, like today, his teeth are killing him and he just refuses. So he gets a bottle. It's not often, and I don't really mind. I wish I didn't have to, but I also don't want to deal with a screaming baby. We seem to have figured it out. He's eating solids three times a day now and that helps, too. Not every single feed has to be from me, Brendan can help with those.

Ingrid is enjoying her Montessori program. She cried when we left her last week, though, it broke my heart. The teachers said two seconds after I was gone she was fine, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. She comes home with lots of stories about her new little friends, and tons of paintings. What the hell do you do with all these paintings?? We hung some up in the kitchen, I'm going to save some for wrapping gifts for the grandparents, and I will recycle the rest I guess.

I have to get her signed up for the K3 Montessori still. I tried to go there last week but no one was there. Can't get a hold of anyone on the phone. The message says their hours are 7-4 but I think that's not during July. The school is in a shitty neighborhood and it made me sad that I was hesitant about sending her there. The teachers are awesome, why do I care if there's ghetto apartments across the street? Am I a snob? Either way, if we can get her into the neighborhood Montessori next year we will. I'd much rather walk her to school than drive her downtown...

Anyway, that's our news. Or non-news, really. It's not very exciting. It's lazy summer, we're pretty happy and everyone's healthy. We're enjoying being in Milwaukee, and we're excited about buying a house soon.

Family Time

2011-06-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

Every weekend Brendan and I have the same argument about family time. I understand where each of us is coming from but it seems like we can never get the right balance.

See, as a stay at home mom, I am with my kids all day every day. I don't get sick days, I don't get coffee breaks, I work from 5:30 am to about 9 pm at night. During the week we find things to do--playdates, trips to the children's museum, the zoo, whatever. By the weekend, I am so ready for a break that I tend to just want to hand the kids over to Brendan and go hide somewhere.

Brendan, however, would like family time. So he's always saying what should we do today? Let's go to the zoo! Let's take a walk! Let's go the park! I say okay, you take the kids, that'll be fun. I'll take a nap, or get some sewing done. Then he gets mad because he wants family time.

I don't know, I feel like we spend plenty of time together as a family. I don't know what B's expectations are. We went to the farmer's market together on Saturday, we had a cookout with friends Saturday night. We went to his parent's house together yesterday morning. We all were outside together yesterday. And yet he still got mad we didn't have enough family time. What does he want?? I don't want to go to the zoo on a hot busy Saturday. I don't want to take another walk to the park we go to almost every day during the week. I want to go read a book or sew. I want to get coffee with a friend. I want to catch up on sleep.

So basically we need to come up with a plan. What do other stay at home moms do with this situation? I'm so sick of my kids by Saturday morning that I just want a break!! And Brendan's tired after a long work week and he wants to play but is also needing some time to himself. So we have to figure out how each of us gets alone time, family time, and couple time. Which we haven't really figured out yet.

My Big Girl, at SCHOOL!

2011-06-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

Seriously, people, Ingrid is huge now! She is just getting so big and mature and she just turned three. I feel like it was forever ago that she was a baby.

Yesterday was her first day at preschool. She loved it!! As soon as she woke up she was begging to go. She wore her backpack with her pjs until it was time to get dressed. She ran up the stairs into Miss Carrie's house, ran right to her first project, and didn't even look at me when I said good bye. I said it a couple more times until she finally called over her shoulder "Okay, mama, bye!"

Some people cry at leaving their child for the first time. I did not. I immediately got home, put Otis down for his nap, and sewed like a madwoman! I got SO MUCH accomplished in the few hours she was gone, it was awesome! I got washcloths listed, made a couple sets of cloth wipes and listed those, even got the front of a robot quilt done. Otis was asleep for a couple hours, then he woke up and was cuddly and smiley, then he ate, and it was time to go get Ingrid. What a great morning!

The teachers said she just jumped right in, and they were helping her learn what each thing was for. "Miss Jamie could barely keep up with her," they said, which is code for damn, she's got a lot of energy! But they took it in stride and seemed to like her enthusiasm. Good. We came home with some paintings and drawings she had done and she passed out for a two hour nap directly after coming home.

Tomorrow is another day, we'll see how she does with it after the novelty wears off. I have a feeling she'll like it, she needs social time with other people, as she is a social person and is stuck at home with me and her little brother all the time. When we go to the park and there are other kids there, she runs over and gives them these huge hugs that make me think she is starved for other kids!

We also found out about a couple other Montessori public schools in the area that have openings for their K3 program, so it looks like we will be able to send her in the fall! Exciting! The one in our neighborhood is one of the most popular schools in the city so they basically laughed at me when I asked if I get her in. There is a 90 child waiting list. So we have to drive her to another school instead of walking to our neighborhood school, which pisses me off. But, what are you gonna do? I will enroll her in another school for this year and then for K4 hopefully we can get her in the one in our neighborhood.

All this from a person that wasn't even sure I wanted to send her to school at all! Brendan is amazed by my switch. But I think it's all to do with Montessori. It really seems to gel well with Ingrid's personality, and it's not the same old school like I had. I just see her being so advanced and mature for her age and I cringe to think of her with the basic stuff I had to do. I was SO bored in school. I don't want that for her. If she can be in a Montessori school I think it will be better for her. Yay MPS for having Montessori schools--like six or seven of them!

Preschool.

2011-06-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

I signed Ingrid up for a summer program that some Montessori teachers are doing. It's in one of the teacher's homes, Ingrid will go for two mornings and have lunch there. We went to an open house yesterday to see what the set up is, meet other kids and their parents, and talk to the teachers.

Ingrid was in love the minute she stepped inside! They have three rooms set up with all the goodies from their classrooms. It all looks so inviting, but I was terrified to see glass things and ceramic things and other breakable things right at Ingrid's level. She is such a tornado! She breaks shit all the time! I immediately started to feel apprehensive.

There are kids that older and have gone to Montessori for a couple years, so they know what everything is for. Ingrid, however, is brand new to the whole game, and just went from one thing to another. I don't know why I felt apologetic, but I did! I was like oh my god, she will get into everything and knock shit over, and they'll all think I'm a bad parent!

I have never ever felt this way before! I've been pretty confident in my parenting skills, I love my child and her feisty ways, and I do believe a child's personality can outweigh what their parents do (aka, it's not my fault she's such a spaz!)

So yeah, it was a real eye opener. I know she'll have fun but now I'll all worried that the teachers won't be able to control her or they won't like her because she's such a handful. I know what a handful she is and I love her because I'm her mother, but other people don't have that connection. I think I just have to take a deep breath and know that they are teachers, they have seen a lot of different children in their time, they know how to control other people's kids. Right?

Meltdowns and Tantrums

2011-06-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

I bet you thought I was going to talk about Ingrid's tantrums, didn't you? But no, I'm the one having a meltdown. At the end of the week I am just so tired. Of everything. Of everyone. I'm tired of doing another load of laundry, I'm tired of unloading the goddamn dishwasher again. I'm tired of hearing Ingrid ask me to get her water bottle that is two feet away from her. I'm tired of Otis teething. I'm just tired.

So tonight I threw Otis' bottle across the room. It was in my hand, I felt mad, I threw it. And you know what? It felt kinda good. I totally get why Ingrid has these tantrums and hits things and screams. It feels good. Sometimes you don't wanna use your words.

I was going to write this post about how sick I am of being the only one that can ever do anything around here, but then Ingrid called out from her room "Mama? I'm sorry I yelled at you. I love you." And I realized that yes, it's a hard fucking job, but it's worth it. I get to see Otis' drooly smiles first thing in the morning, I get to give Ingrid kisses and hugs when she's groggy from her nap. I get to do these things now because that's what phase we are in, and some day it will all change and I won't get to do them. So I should quit complaining (and throwing things) and embrace the fact my children need and want me.

Family Size

2011-06-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

We had the talk last night. Are we done, for sure, having kids?? I think we are. Brendan is anyway. I'm about 80% sure. And when we were deciding on whether or not to have another after Ingrid, I was 80% sure I wanted one. So...I think we're done.

I have to wrap my mind around that one.

A few people I know are pregnant right now for number 3, and even though Otis is still a baby, I was a little envious when I found out. Then I found out another friend is pregnant for number 2 and she got pregnant when her baby was Otis' age. Sigh...I hate being pregnant, I'm remembering last summer how sick I was, how miserable I was in the heat even though I wasn't big. How life seemed to stop while I laid on the couch for months at a time. And let's not forget the whole three week hospital bedrest ordeal! And yet I'm envious of pregnant women?? What's that all about?

We were dead set on having an only child, and I do have to say I'm glad we changed our minds. Watching Ingrid be a big sister is amazing, she loves to make Otis laugh and talks baby talk to him. Yesterday morning she got up and said "Where's my Otis boy?" And Otis is nothing but smiles for his big sister, even though she's not gentle with him at all. He gets smacked in the face by her foot or gets a hug that suffocates him, and all he does is gurgles and smiles like it's the best thing in the world.

So another one? I could do it. I loved this past six months with Otis. Using the Moby, nursing him, sharing a bed with him. He's now settling down for naps on his own, bedtime on his own, he can sit in his Bumbo for a half hour or so at a time, or on his play gym and be content while I get things done. By the time another Bub would be here, he'd be walking and eating solid food and would be a toddler! So yeah, I could do it.

But Brendan says he doesn't want to. And I can see the pros of being done now. I could finally lose all the weight I've gained birthin' babies. Ingrid will be off to school soon and it'll be just me and the Fat Man. We can sort of travel right now, we have a parent for each child so it makes it easier to keep an eye on them. It's kind of like we have the best of both worlds--our kids each have a sibling and we still have a relatively calm household.

It's just hard to say never. I've heard women say they just knew when they were done, they knew their families were complete. I don't have that gut reaction, I could still imagine another one. But I also am enjoying our new life back in Milwaukee, the idea of buying a house and making it our home. I don't really want to be pregnant for another one. So, I guess we're done.

Sewing for Fun Vs. Money

2011-06-11T05:33:00.000-07:00

I've started to think about putting my etsy shop on hold this summer. I love to make stuff for it, it gives me a great creative outlet, and it makes a tiny bit of money for me to feed my fabric addiction. But...I've been feeling stressed about it lately. With a teething baby and a needy three year old, it is hard to come by time for sewing. And I find myself wishing they'd just shut up for ten minutes so I can get some sewing done, how's that for a great mother?

I have a million friends that are having babies right now and I haven't made a thing for them. I keep getting distracted by the shop. Instead of making something for them, I think "Oh! That would do well in the shop!" How selfish. I need to take all my cutest fabrics and make something for friends. I have a ton of stuff stocked and haven't made a sale in a few weeks anyway, so why do I feel the need to continue producing items for sale?

I also have not made a thing for either kid in forever! That was how I got started was by making stuff for Ingrid, and now here the poor kid is with nothing in her size, as she's outgrown everything I've made for her. And Otis got two pairs of pants this winter and nothing else.

Okay, I think I've convinced myself--my priorities for this summer and sewing are to make more for my kids and my friends and just have fun with it.

On Strike

2011-06-09T16:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems Otis is on a nursing strike. Today after his first feeding after he got up, he refused to nurse every single time. Blech. I just hate it! He gets all fussy and then when I try to feed him, he dives in and seconds later is screaming his head off because my letdown is slow. I try to stay calm and get him to try a little harder but it just pisses him off more. So after about fifteen minutes of this, off to the kitchen I go to make a bottle...and then he just sucks it down in no time at all and falls asleep or lets out a big burp and a smile.

So.

I want to nurse him for at least a year, that has been my goal. And I really love to be able to feed him and have it be so easy and without needing anything but a nursing bra. I looked online and there are all these women talking about how their kids did the same thing and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. The doctor even said it was really normal for babies his age to start to resist because of teeth and just their newfound awareness of the exciting world around them. Okay, it's normal, sigh of relief.

But then...I read what the women end up doing to get through the strike and some of these women are pumping every three hours for months at a time and giving them breast milk in a syringe and all this craziness. Am I selfish for really really not wanting to do that? I did the whole pumping thing and I hated it. I was hooked up to that thing all the time, and I swore once I didn't have to do it anymore, I never would. But here I was today pumping three times. And swearing the whole time.

So, how much do I want to continue? And why am I even worrying so much? He's getting fed, he seems happy and healthy no matter where it's coming from, shouldn't that be the most important thing? But I have all these hang ups like I'm failing if I don't try harder to keep him going. And then I think f**k it, isn't it better to feed him and see him calmed down than trying to nurse him and watching him scream?

I guess I'll just keep trying to nurse first, then if he really gets upset give him a bottle. And hopefully he will get over it and we'll go about our merry way and nurse for another year.

Trying to Be Adventurous.

2011-06-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

We just got back from our camping trip. It was awesome! The first time we took Ingrid it sucked. She didn't sleep, Brendan and I were both crabby, we barely lasted through the night. I wanted to pack up at 3am and just drive home. That was two years ago, we hadn't gone since then.

But...we love camping, we want our kids to love camping, and now we're back in Wisconsin so we have places we want to go. And so we tried again. With a five month old and three year old. And you know what? It went so well!

Otis was jolly and grabbing his toes and babbling in the fresh air. Brendan took him in the Moby on a couple hikes and he napped. He fell asleep in my arms as I sat at the campfire. Ingrid was in heaven, getting dirty and playing with sticks and telling herself stories about the trees dancing in the wind. She played at the lake and went swimming and took a bike ride with Brendan.

The whole weekend was magical. We were spending time together as a family, we didn't get into stupid fights because we were stressed, even though both of us were super tired as Ingrid was up at 4:45am!! We reminisced about other trips to Door County, we ate good food. And it made me so glad that we didn't shy away from trying to go camping again.

That's one thing I want to remember with my kids--always try new things. Sometimes they don't work and it's a disaster and I hate the whole trip (like the time we visited friends and Ingrid was up screaming all night long and Brendan ended up sleeping in the car with her on his chest!) and sometimes the trip is amazing and we have so much fun. Either way, we are making memories. Stories that Ingrid will someday share with her friends and maybe even her kids.

Thank You, Thank You!

2011-05-31T04:43:00.000-07:00

Update on the nursing strike--Otis is fine. He has sucked on a frozen washcloth and been fine. When he really pitched a fit last night after a hot sticky day, we just gave him a bottle and he fell asleep. I am not going to fret about it.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented--it made me feel so much better knowing I wasn't the only one to go through it and that it was a small setback and not the end of our nursing! Isn't it funny how you can get yourself so worked up thinking the worst case scenario??

I really don't know what I'd do without a computer. My first thought when this happened was to write a blog post. And I posted in a mom's group on Facebook. And I went to some websites people had recommended. It's amazing how a few hours later I had some feedback and felt so much better! Thank you.

Help With Nursing Please.

2011-05-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

Otis is refusing to nurse lately. He acts hungry, will suck for about two seconds and then get frustrated and stop. On both sides. Not all the time, but it's been a few times in the past couple days. I finally break down and give him a bottle and he'll suck down 8oz.

He is just five months and is teething, so I don't know if that's what it is, but it is really frustrating me! I do not want to give him formula. If I pump I don't get very much. I want to nurse him for seven more months at least!! What do I do?

Please help, I am hating every bottle I feed him, knowing I have milk flowing from me. He just isn't taking it.

83 Years Old.

2011-05-23T04:31:00.000-07:00

My grandpa just passed away last week, on Ingrid's birthday actually. He was sick for awhile and couldn't move, eat, bathe, get dressed, etc, so his passing was not a shock. He wanted to go. We wanted him to move on, be in a better place. The memorial service is on Wednesday and I had to try to explain to Ingrid where we were going and why. That is a pretty hard concept to tell a three year old!

His name was Laverne, I think that is so funny! But for some reason people called him Pete. He had huge ears. He raised six kids in a small house and on a small salary and they all turned out great. He and my grandma would have had their 63rd wedding anniversary next month.

My sister was talking about remembering his big wet kisses and it got me thinking of what memories I have of him. I don't remember the sloppy kisses. I do remember him walking around in just shorts with socks pulled up to his knees and no shirt on. He had chicken legs, just like my kids. He had a very strict rule about no walking on the inside of a circle of chairs around a campfire. Always walk on the outside, otherwise you might fall in. This was driven into our heads from a very early age, and when Brendan was introduced to everyone I think he was yelled at a few times for not following it!

Grandpa had twenty something great grandkids, and I'm so glad to say he met both my kids. Otis is named after his dad, so it was important for me to make sure he met the Bub. I am so sad they won't remember him, but maybe Ingrid will have vague memories. The original Otis, my great grandpa, died when I was really young but I do have some memories of him. We have pictures. They'll know who Laverne was. Who knows, maybe my first grandson will be named after him!

Hope you're in a better place, Grandpa. I hope your mom is with you and you're not in pain. I hope you see us all on Wednesday and let the sun shine down on us. I'll miss you.

Tummy Time is Bullsh*t.

2011-05-22T04:47:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd let you all know that I have done about ten minutes total of tummy time with Otis in the past five months. My doctor said I had to do fifteen minutes a day with him, all the books say you have to do it with them, moms talk all about tummy time. And I just ignored everyone and didn't do it. Just never got around to it.

Do you think my son has a jelly neck and can't hold up his head? Is he going to walk around with his head drooping on his chest forever? Have I done something detrimental to him?

Nope.

We were at the children's museum last week and they have a little baby area. I put Otis down on his belly in front of the mirror and up popped his little head, strong as can be. He just stared at himself in the mirror, drooled all over, and cooed. Just like any other baby at five months. And then he rolled right over back to his back and went about his day.

I put him in the Moby and hold him up on my chest and do all sorts of other things where he has to hold his head up so why would I put him on the floor and listen to him scream for fifteen minutes a day?

I'm not saying no one should ever do tummy time with their kid or judging you if you do it. I'm just sick of so much worrying!! It's so hard to be a mom and then you have doctors and books telling you what to do and telling you bad things will happen if you don't do them. I wish we could turn off all the outside noise and follow our motherly instincts and just live. And enjoy our happy children instead of worrying about all the terrors in the world.

Wow, how did this go from tummy time to that? Whatever, it's early rambling but there it is. I think tummy time is bullshit.

Five Years

2011-05-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Brendan's and my five year anniversary. FIVE YEARS! So much has happened in five years! It got me thinking about our journey so far and how we've finally made it to a more stable place.

We moved in together after five months of dating. He started grad school, I quit school and started nannying full time. My parents got cancer and a divorce. We went to Europe and got engaged.

We moved to another apartment to save money for a house. We got married. I got pregnant. I lost my jobs and was down to working one day a week while he was finishing up his PhD.

We moved in with his parents. I had Ingrid. We had NO MONEY. We lived with his parents. With a newborn. And three huge dogs.

Brendan got a fellowship and we moved to Michigan. We didn't know anyone there, we didn't know the area, we had to find an apartment online. We started to play catch up with our finances. We never did catch up.

We moved again to a better neighborhood. I got pregnant about four seconds later. Ingrid was in a bit of an upheaval. I ended up in the hospital for three weeks before having a preemie. Brendan was looking for jobs this whole time and not finding anything. We had a baby in the NICU and our only income coming to an end.

Brendan got a job! We moved back to Milwaukee! We are around friends and family again! We have enough money to pay off credit cards! To save for a house! To buy a new car! Both kids are happy and healthy!

Big sigh of relief. Things are settling. We are looking for houses, figuring out schools for Ingrid, saving for our future. We are finally there. Where we've been looking toward for so long--we're stable, we're happy, we can plan things knowing we'll be here in the future. Yay Team Liddle!!

Another Post About the Second Kid

2011-05-15T06:06:00.000-07:00

I'm still enjoying the fact that I'm way more laid back about Otis. Every day I realize how things change and we go with the flow and change what we need to and I just don't stress. His "bed time" which I use loosely, is ever changing. I usually get him ready and then bundle him up in a blanket and either nurse him to sleep or he hangs out in my arms for awhile and eventually falls asleep while I'm snuggled on the couch. Then when I'm ready for bed I bring him in with me.

With Ingrid I would rock her and feed her and she would take forever to fall asleep and I would get so irritated because the day had been super long and I just wanted to relax finally. I would put her in bed and listen to her cry and sigh and go back in. It was stressful.

Naptimes are similar. I put Otis in the Moby and go about our way in the morning, either cleaning the house or doing laundry or walking to the park. Whatever the case, Otis falls asleep almost instantly and will sleep for an hour or so. I never pay attention to how long he's been sleeping. This happens a couple times a day, he sleeps here and there in the Moby or in my arms while I try to rest in the afternoon. I don't pay attention to how many naps he gets, or how long they are. I don't worry about how much sleep he's getting or not getting, I just go by his personality. If he seems like he needs to sleep, I put him in the Moby and walk around.

With Ingrid I would try to put her down for her naps at the same time every day, I was stuck at home for nap time. I would freak out if she didn't fall asleep right away or sleep for long enough or especially if she didn't sleep at all. Worry worry worry. Is that inevitable in the life of a first time mom??

Otis is also just fed whenever. I don't know if it's been one hour, three hours, four hours. I just hear him get fussy, try to figure out which side he should be on, and nurse him. And again, I follow his moods and he lets me know when he needs to eat.

With Ingrid I bottle fed and therefore was so concerned with how many ounces she was consuming, I knew in x-amount of hours I had to feed her. And oh man, just having to travel with bottles and formula and water, it was so much extra work. I'm so glad to be breast feeding this time around!

It sounds like I am regretting what I did with Ingrid, and that's not really true. Sure I wish I had known I could've nursed her with my meds, and yes I wish I had known about babywearing sooner than six months old. But I did the best I could, and believe it or not, I still consider myself to have been a laid back first time mom. I'm just realizing how much I've learned in the past three years and how much my parenting style has changed and how much better this works for me.

What have you done differently with baby number 2 or 3?

What's My Job Description?

2011-05-03T05:23:00.000-07:00

Here's a question for any stay at home moms out there: How much help do you get from your partner? I know Brendan is a great help and is always willing to help, but I feel like his job is going to work and making the money and my job is everything else. And it's never ending.

My days start at 4am, when Otis wakes up for his first nursing of the day. Back to sleep until 6ish when Ingrid gets up. Coffee, breakfast, clean up the kitchen from Brendan's hasty rush out the door, clean up the living room from Brendan being up later than me and leaving mugs/blankets/laptops all over the place. I deal with Ingrid, then I deal with Otis, then I maybe deal with myself. Maybe. The laundry gets done, the groceries are purchased, the meals planned, the floors swept, the baby worn so he naps, the kids fed, the cat box cleaned, the bills payed. Then it's dinner, bedtime for Ingrid (which has recently become a knock down, drag out brawl every night...and can only be done by Mama) a brief pause when Otis is happy and will be content with Brendan, and then bedtime for Otis at 9pm, also done by Mama. And then I pass out.

I'm not complaining about my job, because I love it. I love being home, not having to bring the kids to daycare, being able to go for long walks to the park, staying in my pjs until 10am. But I could still use some help. Like I said, the mister is willing to help but doesn't do it on his own usually. I can ask for help and get it, but for example, I never come home to a fresh load of laundry all nicely folded, or a swept floor or cleaned kitchen. And his excuse is "I had both kids." It is SO frustrating.

He works hard, he has stress at his job and worries about providing for us, and I appreciate that. But I don't get paid and my job goes for way longer than 9 hours a day. And I work weekends and holidays. And Mama is tired! I just want help. I have thought about hiring someone to come in and clean once every two weeks or so--but that's ridiculous! We should be able to get things done around here as a team and I feel like I'm alone in everything house related. Like that's my job as a SAHM, and I should just deal with it.

Anyway, any tips on getting the help without it becoming a huge deal? Without fighting or arguing all the time? Much appreciated, thanks ladies!

Second Time Around

2011-04-14T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm realizing just how different the second time is when mothering. My four months with Otis have been so different than Ingrid's first four months! As I sit here typing this, Otis is asleep in the Moby, as he would not be put down this morning. Instead of worrying that he "needs" to learn how to sleep laying down in a bed, I just popped him in and walked around to get him to sleep. And I'm enjoying listening to his little breaths and feeling his warmth up against me!

With Ingrid I felt rigid. Instead of going with the flow, I worried every time there was a change. I had to be home for naptime, I had to feed her at the same time, I read books that told me I had to start solids at a certain time, I had to have a bedtime routine, I had to let her learn how to soothe herself. I felt like it was this monumental job that I couldn't screw up on, or else there would be major repercussions throughout Ingrid's whole life. If I did something wrong once it was going to turn into a habit that could not be broken.

Ahhhh, how glad I am I'm not that way with Otis! I don't know if it's knowledge or necessity or a bit of both, but I just glide through our days without even thinking about things like that! He sleeps when he sleeps, he eats when he eats, if he's not happy I put him in a carrier and then he is happy. It just hit me that he's four months old in a couple days and I hadn't even thought about what milestones he "should" be reaching. Cooing, smiling, reaching for toys, grasping things, finding his toes, holding his head up, sitting, whatever he's supposed to be doing, I don't care! He does what he does. He'll do more as time goes on.

I wish I could go visit myself three years ago and tell myself to relax, take a deep breath, and look at the big picture. Now I see how fast the days and months go and I'm enjoying every second of Otis growing, instead of thinking of the next thing he should be doing or saying I can't wait until he's older and can walk/talk/sleep etc. He'll do all those things. In the meantime I'm going to laugh every time I hear his first giggles and stare at him while he sleeps next to me and wear him before he starts squirming.

Hold On a Second...

2011-04-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

That phrase comes out of my mouth about seventeen thousand times a day. Seriously, hold on Ingrid, I'm feeding your brother. Hold on, Otis, I'm just putting this laundry away. Hold on, whoever is calling me, I'm making dinner. Hold on, hold on, hold on. I have been feeling so pulled in a million directions lately, it's driving me nuts!!

I used to pride myself on being able to multitask. I think that was at a time when, if I got the things on my list done, I got to go home. Now, though, the list just keeps on going. If I finish ten things, there are just going to be ten more things to do after that. So I'm not as motivated to do things, maybe. Whatever the case, I have been seriously behind on lots of things, trying to focus is hard, and I'm always telling Ingrid to hold on.

I'm just starting to realize how different her life is from just a few months ago. I know every kid goes through this and every mom goes through feeling guilty, but it just hit me how hard this must be for her to have a new sibling, move, have a crabby mom all the time. She keeps saying things like "I need you to take care of me, I want you to play with me, I need you." And I always say "Hold on, I have to do..." insert mundane task here. It's never important either! I am just always pushing her away, telling her to wait.

The past few days I have tried really hard not to make her wait. I drop what I'm doing and just hold her. Yesterday we cuddled on the couch while Otis napped and I made up dumb stories about sparkly unicorns. She looked up at me and said "I love you so much, mom." Oh dear. I have to make more time for her. I have to! The floor will still be dirty in twenty minutes, the laundry will still be there to fold after we play or cuddle or just read books. Perspective, Amber! Remember all those nights where I didn't want to rock her to sleep because I was tired? And I said she's only going to be this age once? Well the same thing applies here and I have forgotten that. She will only be almost-three once, and I have to enjoy these cuddly moments so I can look back upon them fondly when she's rolling her eyes at me every ten seconds in ten years.

So you guys will have to hold on while I go play with my daughter. Hold on, I'll be right there.

Gender Roles

2011-04-05T05:48:00.000-07:00

We had an interesting experience this weekend. I was getting ready for Brendan's work party and decided to paint my toenails--something I never do! I asked Ingrid if she wanted hers done too, and she giggled and said yes and then sat stone still while I painted them. It was funny, she kept staring at her toes, "look how pretty!"

Then Brendan came into the room and said oh, is it my turn? Ingrid looked at him and said "No, Daddy, that would be silly!" He tried to get her to expand but she never did.

Which got us wondering about nature vs. nurture. How did she come to the conclusion that nail polish is okay for girls but not boys? Like I said, we never use the stuff, it was the first time I think I've ever painted my nails around Ingrid. It's not like I said anything about only girls can use it. To my knowledge, no one else has been telling her that. So how did she figure that one out??

This has me wondering about the whole gender role thing and what she thinks about it. We aren't big believers of seperating things--Ingrid loves her big fire truck, but she also loves her fairy wings. She loves her little guys, but also loves to play kitchen. Brendan is the bread winner and goes to work every day, but Mama is the one to use the tools and builds a dresser.

I've been told that raising a boy will be different than raising a girl, and to some extent I believe it. I know I've heard countless times that both genders will take the same toy and play with it in completely different ways. Like girls have conversations with their toys and have a set idea of what is going on and boys will just go nuts with the toy, bouncing off the walls and being crazy. I have seen that for sure, but then I wonder how much is personality. Ingrid and her cousin are so much alike and he's a boy. They've both got the same high maintenence issues, which my brother and his wife thought was because he was a boy and his sister was so mellow. But we have a hyper girl and a laid back boy. And they had another boy that's laid back. So...???

Anyway, it's got me thinking of how much can we teach our kids, how much will they just pick up on their own, and how much is nature?

Making Decisions

2011-03-24T05:38:00.000-07:00

Is every almost-three year old so indecisive? Ingrid is horrible at making a decision. She finds it too overwhelming to pick something if given a choice. But...at the same time finds it heartbreaking to have decisions made for her.

Every morning we go through the same struggle--what do you want to drink? Apple juice or milk? You would think it was Sophie's Choice up in here! It takes that girl so long to choose! Apple juice, no milk, no apple juice. I take out the apple juice, "NO! I want milk!" I poor the milk, "NO! I said I wanted apple juice!"

Just now I asked her what she wanted to eat. "Nothing." Five seconds later when I'm sitting here at the computer drinking my coffee (which I had no problem choosing, thank you very much) she starts going on and on about how she's "really really hungry" as if we are starving her.

OH MY GOD, she just tests my patience so much these days!!!

From my nannying days I remember to avoid a struggle you were supposed to offer a choice of two things. That way they feel like they have a say in what goes on, but aren't overwhelmed by too many options. But Ingrid takes those two options and goes back and forth and cannot decide. She ends up freaking out because I end up saying I'm counting to three and then you have to choose or I will. The scenarios here are: I choose for her, she freaks out. I let her choose, she can't make a decision and we end up in front of the refrigerator cooling off the whole kitchen. I count to three and make her decide and she freaks out. What gives, it's just juice!!

Any tips? Anything you find that works? Do they grow out of this (PLEASE SAY YES.)

Sleepy Sleepy

2011-03-16T05:12:00.000-07:00

Guess what? Otis is a sleeper! Hot damn. It's made me think a lot about kids and sleeping, all the things I've read on the subject, how hard I've tried to get Ingrid to be a sleeper.

Ingrid was an okay sleeper when she was a baby. She'd go to bed around 7pm, wake up at 3am, then sleep again until 7am. I was okay with that, it became totally normal and if she didn't wake up at 3, I still would. It was always a quick bottle and back to sleep, it never dragged out or anything.

But...how long does that need to go on for? All these other moms would talk about their kids sleeping through the night and when did Ingrid start to and what are you doing about it? Blah blah blah. I would just tell myself that it was sort of like she was sleeping through the night. The technical term was for sleep between midnight and five am, she just did her five hour stretch earlier.

Alas, it went on and on and on. Ingrid never got out of that middle of the night waking. After she stopped having bottles, it was calling out for her nuk. After we got rid of the nuk, it was that she needed her blanket on. Now it's anything--her blanket, a drink of water, her pillow, she's lonely, a simple "I need you so much, mama!" But it is still going on, wake ups at 3am and she's almost 3 years old...

And then there's my Fat Man. This kid amazes me! He usually naps until 6pm, then wakes up and has alert time where he loves to be talked to. He does that until about 9pm, then I put his pjs on, a clean diaper, swaddle him up, and nurse him to sleep. He sleeps in his bouncy seat right next to our bed and will fall asleep around 10pm. Most nights he sleeps until 5-5:30am. Without a PEEP all night long. And I heard breastfed babies wake more often because the milk is more easily digested!

So here's the thing--what have I done differently? Nothing that I can think of. We started a bedtime routine of bath, books and bed at 2 months old with Ingrid. We had a fan in her room, we had low lights, we were quiet. She's just always been a really light sleeper. With Otis I do the same thing, he has a fan on, low lights, the house is quiet because Ingrid's already in bed. He just ends up staying asleep. Is it luck? Is it the gods showing us not all kids are as complicated as our little Ingrid? Is it second baby syndrome, where they just go with the flow because they have to? Who knows!

All I know is that it's even harder to get up with Ingrid at 3am now because her three month old brother is sleeping through the night like she never has! Last night after the fourth time of her crying out for something I got mad and told her to be quiet and go to sleep, NOW! She said "Mama, be nice to me!" I was about to scream, be nice to ME. SLEEP. FOR ONCE.

*sigh*

Good Day

2011-03-08T19:51:00.000-08:00

Just thought I'd post that I had a great day today. It started out early as hell, but I had coffee all ready to go and Ingrid was in a good mood. So, it was doable. I had my bathroom and kitchen cleaned, Ingrid had breakfast, I'd had two cups of coffee, and Otis was down for a nap all by 9am. Sheesh.

Ingrid played by herself for a long time this morning, she got into my button stash. It's amazing how simple things like buttons or scraps of fabric can keep her occupied for ages! I used the time she was busy and Otis was sleeping to make my living room curtains.

We had new friends over to play after lunch. It's great to be back in Milwaukee because everyone had kids while we were gone. So instead of being the only parents, we now have a great support group of others with kids and there are a lot of moms around during the day to have playdates with. Ingrid's not too sure of her new friends, she seems rather pushy with them--to see what she can get away with maybe? I don't know what it is, but with her old friends in Michigan she never seemed this bossy/grabby/pushy. Hopefully this too is a phase that she will quickly outgrow!

I can almost feel spring coming. I can't wait. The lake is a couple blocks away and there's a great park there I can take Ingrid to. I will be so happy when we can just get outside and I can let Ingrid run her energy off instead of her breaking down at 4pm every day because she's been cooped up with a tired mom and a colicky little brother. It's so close!

Cry Baby.

2011-03-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

I'm having a serious issue here, people. Otis is a cryer. He has to be held at all times, night included. At first I was okay with it, he was so small and new and I believe babies cry to communicate they need something, not just to cry. We never really let Ingrid cry much, I always always went in to get her or give her whatever she needed, I still do actually. And Brendan and I talked about it a lot, since he was more prone to let her cry, let her soothe herself. I always always said no way, I won't abandon my baby.

We just had that talk again about Otis. He is a clingy baby, for sure. I don't remember Ingrid ever being that needy. I wear Otis in the Ergo or sling 90% of the time, or put him in his bouncy chair if he's sleeping peacefully. But lately he falls asleep in my arms and when I set him down, he starts screaming. So I pick him up, he falls back asleep. It gets a little tiring. And it's not really practical for me to be holding him all the time. I have another kid to take care of, I have my own personal needs, like eating and going to the bathroom and showering. And frankly, I don't always want to wear or hold him. Wearing him is better than holding him, as I have both hands, but I still can't always do what I need to do, especially amidst all the unpacking we're doing right now.

So yesterday and today I have been going crazy because it starts at 4am. He cries, I pick him up, feed him, change the diaper, and he falls alseep. Until I lay him down, even right next to me in the bed. This goes on all day long. He cried in the car seat, he cried in Target, he cried when I made lunch, he cried when I was trying to do something for Ingrid. I'm trying to multitask, but come on! Give a mama a break, just be quiet for like two seconds while I get stuff done!

Just now I had him laying in his crib while I sewed, he was fine for awhile. I was really close to finishing something so I just let him cry for a bit while I got done. And what do you know? He fell fast asleep, he's still sleeping right now, he looks really peaceful and has been quiet for more than 15 minutes!! I hate the idea of letting him cry but it seemed to work.

HA! No it didn't, he's up again...What do I do?? How do you balance a needy kid and everything else???

All Moved In!

2011-02-26T05:39:00.000-08:00

We made our move. I am SO glad it's over! After saying I wouldn't lift a finger this time, I ended up packing 99% of our belongings and cleaning the apartment from top to bottom...It was a crazy move, we stayed at a hotel and then drove and then stayed at my in-laws. We were pleasantly surprised to see our new house, as we rented it sight unseen from craigslist. Luckily we know the neighborhood and have an idea of what duplexes look like around here, so it wasn't too risky.

Our new house is amazing!! By far it's the best place we've ever rented. I guess that comes with the fact it's the most we've ever spent on a place, too, but it's so worth it to be in a nice place with plenty of room. Our bathroom, can I just gush?? It's amazing. All new tiles, bath, toilet, vanity. Space to move, a built in linen closet right outside. SO MUCH better than our bathroom before with the running toilet, the shower whose knobs had fallen off, the gross glass door that was always dirty no matter how hard I scrubbed it.

And our kitchen, again, is amazing. Huge, tons of cabinets, you can fit more than one person and a garbage can in it. Our last kitchen was horrible! It was about four feet long with just enough space to stand in as long as you didn't have to open the dishwasher, oven, pantry, or refrigerator. Our new place has all new appliances that we had to actually take the tape off the doors!! And a gas stove! And one night Brendan and I were in there talking as he held Otis and I made dinner and we realized how great it was to be able to both be in one room without it feeling like we were stepping on each other. Ahhhhhh, room to spread.

Ingrid has been a handful but as we settle in she's been better. She was upset over all her stuff being packed up, so I made sure to get her room ready and unpack all her toys right away. It was like Christmas around here with her rediscovering things that had been in boxes for weeks! Her new favorite things, though, are the baby toys I'd packed up long long ago. Plastic rings, board books, and a walker cart are suddenly her best toys!

It's been a bit strange to have friends around again. We're so used to being pretty much alone that I forget that I can call up a friend and hang out! It's going to take some getting used to. I am just so so so so happy to be here!! We are here, we are staying, and we are finally able to live our lives and not be in that strange limbo we've been in for years! Hooray!

Moving On...

2011-02-06T04:44:00.000-08:00

Well, our time here in Michigan has come to an end. Brendan got a job in Milwaukee and we leave in a couple weeks. It has all happened so fast, it's wierd! On the one hand, we've been preparing for this for a long time, knowing he was looking for jobs and interviewing. On the other hand, he had an interview one week and was offered a job the next, to start a couple weeks after that. So it kinda happened in a blur!

I have mixed emotions about leaving. Mostly I'm excited!! I am so glad to be going back to the city that became my home. I have tons of friends there, there are things to do, cool apartments that are affordable, Grandma and Grandpa live there, we'll be by Lake Michigan again. Just thinking of this spring and hanging out with friends and going camping and hiking and skipping stones at the lake with Ingrid--it makes me so happy!!

However, moving means leaving behind some great friends I've made here. And of course we all got pregnant at the same time, and I might not even get to meet the other two little boys, who won't make their appearances until after we leave...And Ingrid loves her little pals, it will be hard to have her ask to play with them and have to tell her no, they're six hours away. Honestly, we probably won't ever come back to Ann Arbor after we leave. My family is on the other side of the state, so going to Michigan means going there, not all the way over here. Maybe they'll want to come visit Milwaukee?

Mostly I'm just relieved that we are going to get our life going. I feel like we've been in limbo for years. First it was grad school, then moving, then job hunting, and now finally we get to move home, buy a house, and know we're going to be there for more than a year! No more wondering what the future holds, we can actually LIVE our lives now! It was so frustrating to have to wonder where we'd be. I want to sign Ingrid up for ballet lessons, but where will be? I want to look at preschools, but where will we be? We wanted to plan a trip to our favorite campground in Wisconsin, but would we be near there or all the way across the country? Now we know!! Now we can plan!!

It's such a good feeling.

The Family Bath

2011-02-04T05:35:00.000-08:00

One night I decided to jump in the tub with Ingrid, bringing Otis with me. Ingrid thought this was the most exciting thing! She played while I held Otis in the water. He enjoyed it much better than his infant bathtub baths. I got a chance to relax a little bit with the kids. It was good all around. Except for the fact that our tub is too small for all of us!

When we visited my mom we took advantage of the ENORMOUS garden soaker tub. Ingrid squealed that it was just like a swimming pool! I loved the fact I could actually sink down in the water and stretch my legs out and still have room for Ingrid and her twelve thousand toys. Even though I don't envision us having a big house, we NEED to have a big tub I've decided.

Last night was another family bath. Ingrid was all smiles, Otis nursed the whole time, and I took a nice deep breath after the long day of dealing with Ingrid being sick and whiny. Like I said, it's good for everyone involved and is a perfect ending to a busy day.

Cleaning. Which Makes Me Want to Be a Minimalist.

2011-02-01T12:40:00.000-08:00

So Brendan has had job interviews and hopefully will have an offer or two this week. Which means I'm back to packing and cleaning. I just went through every closet upstairs last week, and already they're filled with junk I moved from one spot to the next...I just packed up all my sewing stuff and found a box of wires that I have absolutely no idea what they go to. I found dead batteries, scraps of ribbon, pieces of patterns I've never made. So much junk!

Which leads me to minimalism. I would SO LOVE to be a minimalist. I want a house with no knick-knacks, artwork on the walls that looks like it was meant to be placed there (not just wherever there was a nail hole.) I want clean lines and open spaces. Instead I have hand me down couches with tons of pillows we always throw on the floor, and baby swings and toys galore...

In some respects I think I am doing an okay job. I will never need a walk in closet because I don't own a lot of clothes. I have about four pairs of shoes. I only buy one thing of shampoo at a time, and for that matter, only one face wash, toothpaste, cleaning product, etc. I have tried to stay away from lots of toys for Ingrid, especially the ones that have tiny parts and aren't much fun. I purge and donate monthly. And somehow my house ends up full of crap every time I have to move.

This time we've only been in our apartment for ten months. I would have hoped that meant that we'd have at least two months less crap around, but we had a baby. And I love fabric. And thrifting. Sigh...it's never ending.

So back to cleaning I go. I throw stuff away, I have a donate pile, I clean, I pack. And it still seems like we have so much stuff!!

So Well Put...

2011-01-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

I just read this story over here about how bodies can be sexual and also practical, and it just cracked me up. The part about shaking hands and thinking of the people masturbating with the hands is so funny and SO TRUE!! And it made me feel better about this whole after baby/sex thing. Honestly I feel no urge to do it again, being that I am a milk cow on call 24/7, but this changed my point of view a bit. I can be a mom and have sex, I just have to compartmentalize. My husband will be happy to hear that.

Things I'm Lovin' Right Now

2011-01-20T09:13:00.000-08:00

1. Ingrid's imagination. She will sit with her toys and just have the best conversations with herself. I've overheard her feeding her baby doll and saying "How many pounces did you eat, baby? Oh, eleven thirty pounces? Good!" Also heard, when playing with her robot doll, in a monotone voice, "I AM A ROBOT. I AM A ROBOT." Yesterday we brought up the fire truck from the basement and she played rescue animals all afternoon. I love that she can entertain herself so well!

2. Our new Bummis wrap. It's small enough for Otis but it's got plenty of room for him to grow. Our prefolds fit so nicely in it and it's cute and green with colorful dots all over. I'm loving our prefolds in general. We got some Bum Genuius XSs that are good, but last night showed me why I hate AIOs. I thought they were dry but apparently they weren't, so we ended up having to change Otis' clothes three times in the middle of the night because they'd gotten soaked. If I put something in the dryer for 80 MINUTES!!! I expect it to be dry when it comes out!

3. My family. Last night after dinner Brendan was playing with Ingrid and I was sewing. We had music on, a really bad 80s channel, and lots of bad songs came on, which we sang along to and Ingrid danced. I just love our evenings when we hang out before bedtime.

4. Not being homeless!! Brendan just found out yesterday that he can stay at his job for a couple more months while he's searching for his new job. It's a pay cut but it's way better than the nothing we were planning on having in a couple weeks! And we get to keep our health insurance, which is the biggest relief ever. Brendan has had a couple phone interviews and next week he has one in Missouri. Not sure what we think of moving there but a job is a job.

5. This pattern. I love it! A friend got it for me and I've made a few pairs now. It's so easy and so cute and the sizes are big enough for Ingrid. I made a pair for her the other day that turned out huge, so I'll be able to use the pattern for awhile for her! Yay. It felt really good to sew again.

Weight.

2011-01-17T06:07:00.000-08:00

Otis is gaining weight, he was over six pounds on Thursday! Today is our last doctor appointment, can't wait to see what he weighs today. He's been eating a TON, he has no lack of appetite. Brendan and I can't get over how fat his face has become. Still has skinny chicken legs but his head looks enormous now!

I am hopefully not gaining weight, lol! I didn't gain a ton with the pregnancy and when I went to a doctor's appointment a couple weeks ago I was at my prepregnancy weight. Although that was still 15 pounds over what I should be...I forget how hard it is to switch from "eating for two" to eating just for myself again! I never felt bad about a donut here or there while pregnant, it's not the same afterward!

And weighing heavy on my mind is where our future is headed. Brendan has two weeks left of his job, then who knows? He has been steadily applying to jobs, he has had interviews aplenty, but no job offers. We have a backup plan of sorts, but it is not a happy one. It involves borrowing money and living at my mom's. In a small town in the middle of nowhere! It involves getting our kids on state health care so we can still take them to the doctor. We will not have health insurance, so I can't get sick, and we can't have any accidents. I certainly cannot end up back in the hospital!! It's a scary unknown time and I'm trying to think positively but it's hard.

For now I'll just stare at my two adorable kids and enjoy them. I'll leave the job stuff up to Brendan and just think about money stuff later. There's always time to worry about that, I will procrastinate with the worrying! It's all about priorities, right? My priority right now is to enjoy my family.

Formula vs. Breast Milk

2011-01-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

When I first had Otis, I was determined to only feed him breastmilk. However, with him being in the NICU and me not having any milk come in for four days, I said it was okay to give him a little formula. But my main source of nutrition was still to be the mama milk that came flowing in days later. For the most part I was able to use my pumped milk, but I did supplement with formula. At the time, Otis was so tiny and needed to gain weight and they told me his formula was higher in calorie content so he needed it. I'm okay with that in the short term, I saw how he got when we had him home the first week. He wasn't strong enough to nurse, he needed to be bottle fed. Fine.

But now, weeks later, the fat man is almost six pounds and strong as can be. I would technically be 37wks along if I were still pregnant and he'd be considered full term. So why is it that the doctor was determined Otis needed high calorie formula to gain weight?? I had to go to the NICU to get special preemie formula they don't sell at the stores, the doctor was adamant he needed the extra calories. I asked if he could still get breast milk and she said he really should be getting formula.

However, me being me, I stuck to giving him the breast milk and only used the formula bottles for midnight feedings, so maybe two feedings a day were the formula. And what do you know, he gained more than he needed to this past weekend! So you can take your high calorie formula and shove it...

I am not against formula, I fed Ingrid the stuff for a year. But I hate the idea of telling women they have to use it for their baby to grow. Last time I checked breast milk was made specifically for babies.

Facebook had a nurse in last week and I posted a picture of myself nursing Otis, with a caption saying he's a preemie and nursed right out of the NICU. Someone posted how her friend had a preemie and was told over and over she HAD to use high calorie formula for her kid. It just got me thinking this is probably a common occurence and that makes me sad. I want to know exactly how much better preemies do at gaining weight with formula vs. breast milk. Anyone know? I'll have to look it up.

Anyway, my bub is doing fine, he's getting fatter and stronger by the day, and it's all thanks to my mama milk that I lovingly pump every four hours. Not the stinky, staining Enfamil they sent me home with, thank you very much.

Another Post About My Boobs.

2011-01-05T09:13:00.000-08:00

Otis is home!! We got to get him last night, and he has done really well today. He is much easier to wake now, he stays alert for longer periods of time, and he is eating so well. I still have to pump to make sure my milk supply gets better, but I also get to nurse him, which is still pretty awesome. Afterward we have to supplement with a bottle to make sure he gets enough, but it's nice I'm allowed to nurse him. At the NICU yesterday a mom was asking to nurse her daughter and they told her she'd have to see how her daughter's heart rate was first. How sad, to not be able to do what you want with your kids. It's so hard.

But little man is doing well, I'm making more milk already today, and that Mother's Milk tea is actually pretty tasty, so I don't mind drinking a couple cups a day. If I can just get through this next couple weeks until Otis is at his due date and hopefully catches up to being a "normal" kid, things will be smooth sailing!!

Pumping Sucks.

2011-01-04T05:08:00.000-08:00

Ha! Get it? Pumping sucks? True on so many levels...

Anyway, Otis ended up back in the NICU last week with a really low temp and no weight gain. So I'm back to pumping milk to bring to him at the hospital. Yesterday I met with the lactation consultant and she told me how much milk I'm supposed to be producing and I cringed. I'm not doing so well apparently. I tend to get busy and let time slip by and before I know it, five hours has passed between sessions. Today I have made it my goal to pump every two and a half hours.

That takes up my whole freakin' day!! By the time I'm done and clean up my supplies, it's almost time to do it again. I can see why people give up so easily in the early days and just go to bottles! But I am determined to get this thing established so I can nurse Otis when he gets home. DETERMINED!! That is one thing the L.C. told me was that it's more about the mom sticking to it than actual milk supply. If you want to nurse, you usually can. It's just about being willing to give up your days to the demand of sitting there hooked up like a milk cow...

Luckily Ingrid is enthralled with the pump and wants to help. She loves to plug in the tubes and "turn on the noise" and if I do it without her she has a fit! What a strange little girl! First she's obsessed with cloth wipes, now she's obsessed with breast pumps :) What am I doing to my poor child?? She is always talking about boob milk and baby milk and feeding her babies with her boobs, it's so funny to hear her. I guess that's what happens when you're open and honest about things with your kids!

Hopefully Otis will be released today or tomorrow (they keep pushing it back one more day...) and then I won't have to pump anymore. I cannot wait until this kid is fat enough to take home and strong enough to eat what he needs to! I keep forgetting how tiny he really is. My due date isn't for another 26 days, so I need to remember that. But he'll make it, and we'll have a long time to nurse after he comes home.

Oh Nursing, How I Love You.

2010-12-28T17:34:00.000-08:00

Oops, I forgot about this blog for awhile...But I've had stuff going on, forgive me. First of all, Otis is here! He came December 16th at 33wks and 4days. Read all about it here. He stayed in the NICU for four days and then was discharged just in time for Christmas!!

Things have been going really well, he's a good sleeper and overall very mellow. He barely opens an eye when his big sister screams an inch from his face. But the best thing is that he has taken to breast feeding like a champ! The first week was hard, we supplemented with formula while he was in the hospital and I had to pump every three hours to make sure my milk came in. It did. He still didn't get latching on though, so I was using bottles. I hated it. I hated having to pump, I hated the whole washing twenty pieces of plastic and sterilizing them and then being able to finally feed the poor kid.

But now, almost two weeks later, Otis is latching on and feeding. Sigh of relief! It is the most amazing thing ever. I didn't nurse Ingrid, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything. We certainly bonded just fine, and I always rocked with her when I gave her a bottle, she never was just given a bottle to hold by herself. But...this is different. Feeling every little tug, knowing I'm making this milk just for him, when he needs it. I feel a lot more emotional about it than I thought I would. To me, nursing this time around was just going to be cheaper. But I will be sitting there on the couch with Otis attached to me and I just smile. I don't know if it's just crazy hormones or what, but it makes me feel so happy that I can do this for him, I can nourish him.

I love that I can just hold him and feed him without any extra preperation. No bottles to mix, formula to measure, nothing to fumble around with. At 2am when he starts squawking, I just lift him from his bassinet and feed him, no big deal. If we're out and about and he gets hungry, I can feed him, whether I forgot the diaper bag or not. Cheap, convenient, and it makes me happy. Can't go wrong with that, can you? I just wish I had known what I was missing with Ingrid...

Pros and Cons

2010-12-08T08:32:00.000-08:00

I've been in the hospital for a week and a half now, halfway there to 34 weeks! I'm getting sick of it and then someone comes in to make my bed with fresh sheets and I realize it's not all bad...So to make myself feel better, here's a list of pros:

1. People bringing me food. And water, and juice, and snacks if I so desire.
2. People bringing me fresh towels and sheets.
3. Getting to nap throughout the day, whenever I feel tired.
4. Not having to chase around a 2 yr old or hear "play with me, Mama!!"
5. No dishes to do or floors to sweep!
6. Time to do crafty stuff or read books.
7. Full control of the remote control, with no husband turning it to football or daughter begging for cartoons.

However, I must vent as well.

1. People coming in every four hours to take my temperature, blood pressure, and to ask me the same stupid questions over and over and over even though I have never once answered yes to any of them.
2. 5:30am non stress tests for baby. Seriously, they have to do it at 5am?? I'm here all day long.
3. Eating the same food every day. I've tried pretty much everything on the menu and there are some things that are good, some that are disgusting, so I now only have a few choices of things to eat.
4. Eating in bed, by myself. That's kind of depressing...I miss family dinners with my little family.
5. Only seeing Brendan and Ingrid for an hour at a time, and most of the time Ingrid is going nuts being confined to a little hospital room where she gets told not to touch anything (there are wires everywhere and what 2yr old doesn't want to grab wires??)
6. Feeling that I could do this at home just as well, and then being told my amniotic fluid is too low for me to go home. And then being told low amniotic fluid isn't going to cause any problems. So why can't I lay in bed at home then?

Someday this will be something I'll throw in Otis' face when he's giving me grief "I layed in a hospital bed for three weeks for you!" But for now it's just a frustration. Which will pass, and then we'll have a wee baby to coo over.

I Miss My Baby

2010-12-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

I've been in the hospital now for six days. Ingrid came to visit the first day but then my mom took her over to the other side of the state. I can't remember if we've ever been apart for more than a few days. It sucks. Brendan is picking her up tomorrow but she can't even come visit because she's been sick with a stomach virus that's going around and I can't have her get me sick. So another day will go by.

I talked to her every day and it was good and bad. Good because she barely had time for me, she was so busy and having so much fun with Gramma. It snowed over there so she got to make snow angels and go "skiing" (sledding!) and play with dollhouses and toys we don't have at home. It was bad because--she barely had time for me!! Hi mama, I'm playing, bye mama, blow kiss! I know 2 1/2 yr olds aren't the best phone talkers but come on, your ol' mom needs more than that!

No, really I'd rather she is having so much fun with Gramma. I couldn't bear to hear she had been crying the whole time. But I do feel a bit useless. Boohoo, poor me. It's just late and I barely sleep here in the hospital and I miss my girl. And as much as I want to see her tomorrow, I really don't want a stomach virus anywhere near me...I have enough to worry about without adding that!! One day at a time, soon I'll be home again and be lamenting on how hard it is to take care of two, or how she's driving me nuts with her constant energy when I just want a nap.

And Then There are These Days...

2010-11-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

Long story short, woke up at 2am, water has broken. I'm 31 weeks along. In the hospital trying to keep Otis in for three more weeks. Hospital bedrest until he decides to come out. Bored out of my mind already! It's been 12 hours, I have a possible three weeks of this? For slightly more info, I did a post on my other blog.

Hope your day is going better than mine :)

We Have Good Days, Too.

2010-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to be sure to document that it's not all hormones and stress around here. Yesterday Ingrid and I had a lovely day. We got up, put on a jazz station on the radio, made some wipes for our blog friends in Switzerland, and just relaxed. We spent time together, Ingrid helping me with the scraps and dancing around the table. After a rest, we went to the post office to send things out, then to the grocery store to get our Thanksgiving goodies. And then we played with blocks, colored in her new Christmas coloring books, and somewhere in there she played by herself nicely. Oh, and did I mention she slept until 8am??

Last night everyone in the house was up for some reason. Ingrid got up three times saying she had to go to the bathroom, then when she was on the toilet she'd start crying that she didn't have to go and was cold, as if it was my fault she was in this situation. As if I'd gotten her out of her warm, cozy bed to sit naked on the toilet at 1:30, 3, and 5am...I also had pregnancy insomnia, again, and was up twiddling my thumbs for a couple hours. And at 6:10am Ingrid ran into the bedroom with some clothes "Mama! I picked out my clothes for today! Let's go play!" Ugh.

So, today started out being really crappy, with me yelling and getting really annoyed by every little thing that happened, but I've really been trying to turn those days around. So we went to a friend's house, the girls dressed up like fairies, we ate warm zucchini bread, and Ingrid slept on the way home. She let me rest for a whole hour, and then we played and made English muffin pizzas, and I let her make as big of a mess as she wanted to. We got along, had a good day, and ended it with huge hugs and lots of I love yous. Like it should be.

I just feel like it takes so much effort to be the happy parent that is patient and kind, and lately I just don't have time for it. I am so freakin' tired all the time and I just want to have temper tantrums, too!! But yesterday and today showed me that it's worth that little bit of effort to not fight with my two year old...It makes everyone so much happier!

Sewing and Hormones and Toddlers, Oh My!

2010-11-19T04:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a hormonal one...When Brendan went to leave for work I just started crying. For some reason it felt like too much work to be at home with Ingrid all day long (and night, too, he had to work until past her bedtime) so I just broke down. And being the male he is, Brendan didn't say much and just left for work with a lame "Hope you have a good day." Ingrid and I just seem to be butting heads lately, as I am really tired and not sleeping well at night, and not getting any rest during the day thanks to her bugging me the second I lay down. And she just wants to play and wonders why the hell Mama can't get up off the couch for two seconds...

Luckily I was able to turn it around. I took a cat nap on the couch while Ingrid watched Sesame Street and then we got up and went to the indoor play place. We stayed for three hours, and would've stayed longer if they only sold lunch. I get the whole food allergy thing, but seriously, if you can't bring outside food, then you have to serve lunch! Hungry toddlers are everywhere, not to mention their preggo mamas.

Anyway, Ingrid got to run around and I got to sit and drink coffee. There was a German speaker's playgroup going on so there were about ten women speaking German all around us. I swear I am a magnet for the Germans! Every time I go to a park I hear someone speaking German. Ingrid was listening to them and knew it wasn't English so when I would ask her a question she'd respond in nonsense, I guess thinking she was speaking German! It was pretty funny. I told her the words I knew, but it's been awhile...

When we got home I had an email that the Blue House was looking for new items, so I set out to make my lists and get stuff ready to drop off there. Ingrid once again got out the felt box and played while I cut more garlands out, and after she went to bed I cut out more things to sew. Today is going to be a PJ day, as Brendan will take the car for another job interview and we'll be home sewing. Hooray!

He told me hopefully by next week we'll know where we're going. I sure hope so, I'm getting awfully nesty, wanting to wash baby clothes and set up an area for the little guy. Right now everything is in boxes under the basement stairs. I'd like to see tiny things hanging up, and baskets of tiny cloth diapers! Patience...

Third Trimester Already??

2010-11-11T04:47:00.000-08:00

That's right, I'm almost 29 weeks. Last time I went to the midwife she gave me a packet of papers for birthing options, hospital tours, and parking passes for the big day. It kinda freaked me out--it's not that time yet!

Things around here are good, but hectic. Brendan has had a few interviews and has another major one coming up on Monday. He's off to Milwaukee again for a second interview for a job he really wants, and they are hiring like right now so if he were to get it, what does that mean?? Not only are the holidays coming up but so is a brand new baby. Makes moving a little tough, you know?

Otis has been moving around like crazy, doing flips and rolls and making my belly look quite crazy. Brendan is so funny, he just does not get into the pregnancy thing at all. I could sit and stare at my moving belly for hours, while he touches it once, feels a move, and immediately grabs his hand back. I laughed at him and said what's the big deal? He said he knows in his head it's okay but he feels like he's going to hurt the baby or something. By putting a hand on my belly. If he saw how Ingrid treats me he wouldn't be so worried...She is constantly climbing on me and elbowing me in the belly, or hitting me or poking her finger as far as it will go (not far) into my belly button.

Yesterday we got some new pjs for Ingrid at the consignment store--they have "Big Sister" on the shirt, she was SO excited to put them on as soon as we got home. She seems excited to be a big sister but who knows what that means in her tiny noggin!! Hopefully she'll be okay when Otis gets here but that's another thing to think about--she's going to have a new brother and move to a new house right on top of each other...Two major things at once, hard enough for adults, much harder for kids. Nothing I can do about it now, though, is there?

So that's that, more of the same. Thinking about jobs, moving, babies, being sick, stressed, and trying to enjoy life as usual while we are in this limbo...

My Little Runaway

2010-10-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

Twice in the past couple days Ingrid has given me a heart attack by disappearing. Yesterday we were enjoying a lovely fall afternoon outside. I had gotten the newest issue of The Mother and Ingrid was making stone soup for me to sniff and sip. She'd go into the trees and grab some leaves and twigs, then come back to me and ask me what it needed. We had been doing this for awhile when I made the stupid mistake of asking if it needed a pinecone in it. She agreed it did, but then I said, oh no wait, we don't have any pine trees in our yard, so no pinecones.

Ingrid wasn't going to let that stop her, however, so she decided to take off on her own, without telling me, to go find a pinecone. I thought she'd just gone to the front yard, but when I went there she was nowhere to be found. Sometimes she goes around the house, so I walked around, calling her name. I heard her, but she wasn't anywhere near our house! I went back to the front calling her name, and then I saw her. A block away, across the parking lot of the church next door to us. The church, which is on a busy street, has pine trees in front. Holy shit, kid, get back here!!!

I tried to explain to her how it was dangerous to go near the busy street, and that she's only supposed to leave the yard with mama or daddy. But she's 2 1/2, does she get that???

Then today we were getting ready to leave the library. We were still in the kid's area, and I stopped to look at a magazine. In that span of two seconds I lost her. She just took off, I had no idea to where. Again, I look around, trying to stay calm, figuring she's nearby somewhere. She wasn't anywhere in the kid's section so I went out to the adult section and there she is, by the door, pushing the button that operates the handicapped doors. I said Ingrid! Where were you going? "Outside." Like, duh mom. You said we were leaving, I was leaving!

Seriously, heart attacks. I try not to freak out about things like this, because I tend to have faith that nothing bad will happen. But then I think holy shit, how fast something terrible could happen! Not even kidnapping so much but getting outside near busy streets and getting plowed over by any one of the terrible drivers around here...

I made the mistake of telling Brendan about yesterday and he freaked out on me. He's a lot more cautious than I am, which I hate. He's always yelling at her to stay out of the road even though she's nowhere near it. It drives me nuts because I like to trust that she does know some things about safety. But then something like her disappearing happens and I wonder if I give her too much freedom? Like she just trusts that everything will be okay and she knows what she's doing so she doesn't get why mama is screaming for her when she's just looking for a pinecone. Ahhh, kids.

I Do It Myself, Mama!

2010-10-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

I love that Ingrid is little miss independent but man, it's testing my patience. Especially at 5am, when she needs to go to the bathroom and is still sleep drunk and can't function, but refuses to admit it and allow me to help her...

That was this morning when she got me up to go to the bathroom. I unzipped her footy pjs, pulled down her pull up and she climbed up on the seat. Suddenly she realized that she wanted to unzip her pjs so she had a spectacular fit, jumping off the toilet, screaming she wanted to "do it myself, mama!!" Ugh, seriously? At 5am? I tried explaining to her that she was already out of her pjs and I was not, in fact, going to let her put them back on only to take them off herself. Not at 5am!! She ended up screaming and crying until I put her pjs back on and ushered her back to bed, where she fell asleep for another couple hours. Sigh.

Yesterday was a lot of that--whatever I was doing she wanted to help. I love that, I do, because I remember "helping" my mom do things around the house. So when there's laundry to be folded, sure, help. When I'm cutting things for my etsy shop and there are scraps, sure, go ahead and throw them away. But if I'm making chili over a hot stove, no, you can't help.

When I was cutting up peppers for said chili, I gave her a chunk of one and a butter knife and told her to go to town. She then got frustrated she couldn't do it herself. It's so hard because sometimes I do try to let her help with whatever she can, but then there are things she just isn't capable of and it makes her mad, but she won't NOT ask to help. Does that make sense?? If I say no, you can't do it, she gets mad. If I say, sure, go ahead and try but then she can't do it, she gets mad. I guess it's her problem not mine, right? At least she's understanding her limits?

Anyway, she's a great helper, she really does get a kick out of doing whatever it is I'm doing, and just lately she's started asking to sew with me. I have so many ideas of little gifts for the holidays, like a kid sized broom, and those cardboard lacing cards. But in the meantime, sometimes I just want to get stuff done. In five minutes as opposed to an hour. Patience, Amber, patience...

Stress Dreams

2010-10-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

No matter how calm I feel on the outside about having another kid, and dealing with Brendan getting a job and having to move soon, it creeps up on me in strange ways. Usually I have stress dreams. While pregnant with Ingrid it involved working at the coffee shop where I met Brendan. Somehow things were always dirty, orders were getting overlooked, customers were rude and I woke up in a cold sweat.

Last night I had two of these gems. Both involved not knowing what to order from a menu at a restaurant, which I find amusing as I have never had that problem! In one of the dreams everything on the menu was $40-60, so perhaps I'm worried about money?? And in the other I kept asking for my cup of coffee with two creams and they kept ignoring me. I don't know what that was about...

I'm glad I'm able to let go of my worries through dreams, though. Because in the daytime really I am pretty relaxed. I daydream about our future and what it holds and what the possibilities are, but I don't really stress too much because I have no control over where we end up. Frankly, neither does Brendan. He can just go on interviews and do his best and whoever offers him a job will give us a new life. How can you stress about that? We have absolutely no control. Instead of that worrying me, I just let it go and see where life takes us.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

2010-10-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

I'm almost six months along now, can you believe it?? And just yesterday it finally hit me FOR REAL that we are going to have another baby. It's been all in the hypothetical up until then. Yes, someday we'll have a baby, someday these tiny diapers will be put on something other than a Cabbage Patch Kid. And then yesterday I stood in front of the mirror and looked at my expanding belly and felt little kicks and rolls and it hit me--there is a baby in there!!

Ingrid and I went to Salvation Army and had a great time searching through the kid's clothes. I found some amazing things for my friend Heather's etsy shop 3RingCircus, I got some new "cozy pants" for Ingrid, and I got a little tiny newborn outfit that has a moose on it, and the feet are tiny moose, too! It's for bringing wee one home from the hospital. Again, it hit me that we will go into the hospital with a big belly and come home with a wriggling newborn, amazing!

I have been pretty down lately about not knowing where we'll be going next, as Brendan looks for jobs. We're not going to be in this apartment for too long, so I don't see the point in making it very homey. And then I get depressed because there are no pictures hung or curtains or anything. And I have boxes of stuff for when Otis comes but I can't do anything with them, no nesting at all, because we will either move before he gets here or right after. It's frustrating. But yesterday I got over it and decided that I should just do little things to make myself feel at home again, even if it's only for a few months. So I'm making curtains for my kitchen today out of this cute lemon print fabric I've had on hand. And I have a matching yellow rug I found in the basement.

I cleaned up the basement finally yesterday--what a chore! Ingrid used to have her play room down there and then over the summer, because we didn't have a dehumidifier, we got mold. After cleaning all that up, I just threw stuff down there, and every time I'd go do laundry it would bug me that I wasn't more organized. And that we had about five lamps from old apartment dwellers that didn't work shoved under the stairs. And that we got more toys for Ingrid and they were taking over my living room and I really really wanted a place for her to go play again. SO...a little sweep and mop, throw out old lamps, move baby boxes under stairs, move furniture around, wash rug, and move toys downstairs again, and there you go. A playroom again!

So things will change, as they always do, and I have to remind myself that I can roll with it, deal with it, it will all work out. Some days I just want to be settled somewhere, to know we're going to be somewhere for awhile. And others I realize we're still in the early stages of our marriage and family, and this is what we'll look back on and laugh at how young and carefree we were. Someday.

My Sleeping Child

2010-09-26T06:47:00.000-07:00

Brendan and I are on a mini vacation away from Ingrid this weekend. My mom took her to her side of the state and I've been calling for daily updates. As much as I love that I can leave Ingrid with her Gramma for a few days without worrying about her, it really does bug me that she's a perfect angel for my mom!! Our sleeping patterns as of late have been her waking up at 6am, being ready to play play play or being crabby, either of which is hard to deal with before coffee. She doesn't take a nap but acts crabby as all get out by 3pm. She cries and screams when it's time to take a bath, even though two seconds into it she's having fun. She goes to bed at 7 and I finally FINALLY get a break!

Talking to my mom today, though, it seems Little Miss Liddle is sleeping like an absolute champ for Gramma. Which is good, don't get me wrong, but what the hell??? Taking hour long naps, going to bed at 7 with no problems, sleeping until 7:30 or 8am!! Whose child is this, and why can't she come stay at our house?? My mom says it's because she's outside all the time (they're at the horse farm on the lake) and that it's quiet, but she could be outside all day long, and our house is not noisy by any means, and she'd still give me troubles with her sleeping...

I remember babysitting as a high schooler and the parents would be so surprised that their kids went to bed easily. I always thought what? What's the big deal? You put a kid to bed and they go to sleep, right? Now as a parent I realize kids know how to push your buttons...And we let them, because we're so damn tired we don't have it in us to fight them...

Well, at least I've gotten to take multiple naps this weekend. And Ingrid has apparently caught up on all the sleep she usually misses. So we'll be well rested when we see each other again, and we can get right back into our lovely pattern of not sleeping. Dammit.

Preschool? Or not?

2010-09-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

Ingrid is getting to that age where I'm starting to think about preschool next year. At first I was against it, thinking we already do lots of fun things throughout the day and she is obviously a smart cookie and learning enough from her dear old mom. But then the other day we were painting and I thought oh, how much would she love to do this with other kids? Or play with other kids instead of having to beg Brendan and I to play block towers again? Or just have some time away from her crab apple of a mom a couple times a week? It started to sound like a good idea for her. For me, I would totally take the few hours a week break. I hear everyone gets teary dropping their kid off to school for the first time and I just don't get it--although when it's my turn I'm sure I would be the same way...

Anyway, so other than the fact that preschool is EXPENSIVE around these parts, something else made me pause and rethink sending Ingrid away for her learning experiences. Someone posted something about their 3 1/2 yo getting homework from preschool??!! It totally disgusted me.

Have you heard about this? Homework for that young? I'm sure it's not a worksheet of algebra problems, but still. The point, to me, of preschool is getting the kids together to learn how to work together, how to sit and listen, how to interact with other kids. It's not to learn things academically. I don't expect my preschool to teach Ingrid her ABCs or 123s, or how to read. I just want her to play and learn how to deal with other people her age. And that doesn't seem to me to be something that a send home worksheet could do. So I started to think about what I would do if Ingrid was sent home some stupid piece of homework and I got all riled up.

I looked up online and came across a teacher's website where teachers were talking about the pros and cons of homework for young children. Some said the kids needed to get used to it for higher grades, but I disagree. Others said they only gave things out to kids who needed more help, or maybe a monthly thing like cut out pictures of a certain color or something. I can see that, I guess. One teacher said she does it to make sure parents are involved, but isn't the point of homework for the kids to do it??

I'm still unsure. I know I have a choice when it comes time to send her or not, and where to send her if I do, so I don't know why I'm freaking about this. I just hate the idea of not having control over her education!! Of having her be one of 20 kids instead of my lovely Ingrid who's so smart and sassy and funny. I've got a year to figure it out I guess...

Why I Have Kids

2010-09-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago a world traveling friend posted pictures of her latest adventure to New Zealand and Australia. They were gorgeous and really got me thinking of how I had always wanted to be a traveler, but how I've ended up two hours away from my home town being a stay at home mom! I had been having a bad day anyway, with Ingrid peeing all over the place and us both being crabby, and I thought to myself oh my god, why did I have kids??? I could be seeing the world and making all my mom friends envious of my freedom!

Yesterday answered that question very nicely. I know the answer is because kids are awesome. They really can just melt your heart and make you love them more than you ever knew was possible. They completely change your life and most of the time it is for the better. But after weeks of wanting to sleep and have a break, I was starting to forget all that. And then yesterday happened. Ingrid and I were sitting on the front stoop enjoying the fallish weather. I was flipping through a magazine and she was babbling away to herself next to me. Then she leaned over and rubbed my back. "We're best friends, Mama." I said oh honey, yes we are! And she hugged me and said "I love you so much!"

Talk about melting the heart. It was just what I needed. I suddenly remembered that before kids I got a lot of sleep but had never felt the pure joy of something so simple as a small hug. Or marveling at the dexterity of my 2yo as she built a block tower. Or watching them be social at the park. Being a mom is great. Hard, but great. And the world will still be there when Ingrid is off to college (and Otis, for that matter!) Brendan and I will get our time to see the world, and until then we'll just have to enjoy what we have. A sweet little girl that thinks I'm her best friend!

Oh my god, like, the mall!!

2010-09-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

I never shop at malls, ever. Not since a long long time ago when I had extra cash and would go to H&M or Old Navy, or maybe get some shoes from a department store. But the past few poor years of my life I've stuck to Target or the thrift stores. But now I'm pregnant. And I need a new bra. And I'm not going to thrift that. So, off to the mall I go.

I'm actually looking forward to it just for the pure fact of it being such an oddity. At a thrift store you have to dig, at a mall you have things displayed for you. How novel! Instead of searching for the maternity section (which only has the most god awful pants from 1995) there is a whole store devoted to pregnant ladies! Just imagine!

Also, after having found out the gender of bub #2, and seeing there are big sales at the kid stores, I'm going to have fun looking for a boy. I was like this when pregnant with Ingrid, too--even if I didn't have a ton of money, I bought things because hey, I'm pregnant and uncomfortable and tired and having a shitty week and I need some retail therapy. I know buying things won't make me happier, but you know what will? Not busting out of my bra!!

So I'm, like, totally off to the mall today! I feel like such a teenager, if not for the fact I'll be dragging along a 2yr old with plenty of snacks and games to keep her occupied. Who am I kidding, that is an American teenager these days, isn't it?

It's A....

2010-09-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

BOY!! In case you care, I have ultrasound pics posted on my other blog. A boy, I am so excited! Otis Robert, due January 30th, 2011. Yay!

Preparing for the Bub

2010-08-25T11:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially in maternity clothes. I tried a big skirt a few days ago and when I sat down I felt like my uterus was being smooshed. So, elastic waist, here I come! I love wearing maternity clothes for the most part anyway, I never had a hard time adjusting to them. I always have a poochy belly that doesn't fit right into regular pants so to not have to camouflage it is heaven!

Today Ingrid and I went to the local cloth diaper store and looked for some prefolds. I have had a hell of a time getting some used off diaperswappers.com! If you order them brand spankin' new for a dozen, they are usually around $27 with shipping. Some people wanted $29 for their used ones! Maybe they are crazy good ones, but still, I am not paying more for used than for new, thank you very much. Anyway, today I found 18 little wee newborn prefolds for 60cents a piece! Considering these may only work for a month or so, hooray for savings!

I also looked through the baby section at Target yesterday. How on earth do people not find out the gender beforehand?? You used to be able to get gender neutral green or yellow but now every single thing is pink pink pink or blue blue blue. Even when I knew I was having a girl I hated to buy pink, so that really bums me out that you can't even get green stuff anymore. Or if it is green it has flowers and ruffles. Sheesh, not all girls are frilly. Luckily we are good thrifters in our house, so we have a couple boxes of teeny shirts and gowns and footed pjs to get us through the first month or so. They look so tiny!! Ingrid kept holding things up to her saying she was going to wear it, I don't think she quite gets that she isn't the baby I'm talking of anymore!!

Other than that, we aren't really feeling the need to prepare too much more. A friend has a car seat and bassinet, we already have a couple slings, and I know how to make blankets :) Plus, what's the point of preparing much in our house if we're not going to be here? Brendan just informed me that his job will be done in February so he'll have to have a new one lined up by then. I looked at him dumbfounded--"You do realize I am due January 30th, right?" His job, by the way, will most likely NOT be in the town in which we currently reside. Which means a big move out of state either being immensely pregnant or with a very newly born baby. Gulp. I am not sure how to take this, as I was under the impression we were going to be here until spring, giving me at least a couple months to get used to two kids before having to schlep them to a new house...

So, preparing what I can right now is all I can do. Diapers, gowns, and tshirts. The rest we'll figure out later!

If Mama Ain't Happy...

2010-08-22T04:57:00.000-07:00

Boy, does the saying "If Mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy" sure make sense. Yesterday Ingrid woke up crying. At everything. I was super tired because she had gotten up a few times in the night, Brendan was tired because he was up watching TV late, so neither of us wanted to get up to deal with her. We tried to entice her to come into bed and snuggle with us, but that kid is so particular. She loves to snuggle in bed...with me. If Brendan is near, she yells at him to get up, go take a shower, Daddy! Since Brendan was not moving she threw a fit. I followed suit and told her to get out of our room. The morning just went downhill from there.

The whole day was LONG and sucky. Lots of yelling, lots of tears and whining, nothing productive got done. Brendan decided that it was a good idea to look at cars, although it was pouring down rain. We went (why??) and Ingrid just wanted to splash in puddles. When neither of us wanted to do the same she, you guessed it, threw a fit. We went back home, she fell asleep for two seconds in the car but wouldn't sleep at home. It was one of those rainy days that if you don't have kids is really nice and relaxing. You can just curl up with a good book or veg in front of the TV. But with kids it sucks. Ingrid wanted to color, no play, no read books, no watch TV. Her attention span was super short, her fuse was super short, we didn't really feel like playing with her anyway, so it just was not a good afternoon.

Fast forward to today! Today I woke up to the same exact situation--Ingrid coming in our room and crying because Brendan was still in bed. But today I felt rested and not sick, I was ready to get up and take her downstairs right away. She has been happy and playing by herself all morning, ate some breakfast, sang some songs. Ingrid has just been pleasant, a complete change from yesterday. And why? Because Mama is happy this morning.

It really sucks sometimes that that's the case. Sometimes I'm just not in a good mood. Especially being pregnant and tired and sick, I do not want to have the happiness of the household hanging on my shoulders. Mamas need to be bitchy sometimes, too, you know? I try my hardest to be patient and kind, but sometimes I just want to scream to Brendan to get his ass out of bed and deal with his daughter so his pregnant wife can get some rest. Sometimes I just want to scream at Ingrid to quit her damn whining. Sometimes I just don't feel like being the bigger person, but I know it's up to me to keep the mood light and happy. Today that is easy, yesterday was not.

Three Cheers for Ingrid! And Babies!

2010-08-10T05:26:00.000-07:00

After a harrowing first night of no nuks, we are now settling into our new big girl routine. Ingrid has stopped asking for her nuks for the most part, except when she wakes up at 5am. After reminding her we don't have them anymore, she calms down and goes back to sleep for another hour, although I'm not able to. Oh well. Better than screaming for hours, right?

There was even a nap yesterday, how amazing is that?

This just goes to show that I think we parents make more of a deal of things than the kids do. I was SO worried about how it would go, SO worried that Ingrid would have a really hard time with this transition. I was the same with her giving up bottles, and her crib, and both of those times it was a short couple days of getting used to things and then back to normal. Kids are pretty resilient.

In other news, I think I felt a wee kick in my belly this weekend. I'm a little over 15 weeks so I'm not sure I'm supposed to feel it yet, but I swear it wasn't gas, it was in the same spot way down low where I know my uterus is, and since I know what it feels like from Ingrid, I don't think I'm imagining it! This is exciting, because I was just starting to get that feeling that I'm not really pregnant, I'm really just fat and lazy and tired and sick. This first part where you don't look pregnant and there's nothing going on internally to remind you you're pregnant is so hard! It's hard to be excited, it's hard to think of the positives. But when that kicking starts, oh boy! All the sudden it comes crashing down--there is a human being in there. That is so strange and cool!

UUUUGGGGHHHH.

2010-08-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Last night was our first night of no nuks. Since Ingrid didn't take a nap yesterday she was tired and whiny by 6pm. She was in bed by 7:30, crying but yawning in between howls, so I figured she'd calm down and zonk out. She did. Aaaahhh! She actually fell asleep better than she usually does, actually. Success! Or was it???

Around 10:30 she woke up crying for her "green nuk!!" Yes, she had a favorite one, and it broke my heart to hear her ask for it knowing I couldn't give it to her. We have been offering her hugs or a song instead of a nuk if she needs comforting, so I went in and rubbed her back, sang her a lullaby, gave her a kiss. She was up crying so pathetically for the next two hours! Oh, it just broke my heart, but this is why we threw them in the actual garbage outside the house, so at 2am we wouldn't be going to find one stashed away somewhere. We wanted them gone, they are gone. Now we just have to deal with the consequences!

Ingrid wouldn't come to bed with me at first, she was saying "stay in Ingrid's bed! You go to Mama's bed, bye Mama!" And then as soon as I'd leave she'd wail "I need my mama!" Oh my god, kid, my heart is already breaking, please spare me the theatrics! Finally I convinced her to come into my bed, I sang her back to sleep and she slept for a few hours. Then she got up at 5 and has been so fun since then...It's been one of those days you'd like to fast forward. Luckily I have a haircut appointment this afternoon so I can escape my crabby house for a couple hours!

Here's to a better night tonight. And a less crabby day tomorrow.

So Long, Nuks.

2010-08-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

I threw away Ingrid's nuks (pacifiers) this morning. Just cold turkey, say good bye to them, honey, in the trash they go! We've been talking about how babies use nuks but not big girls and she's really into being a big girl. And Brendan and I wanted her to have it gone before the baby gets here, and she was up screaming for it twice last night, so...time to go! I have always disliked seeing kids walking around trying to talk around their pacifiers, and she was starting to do that. She only had it at naptime and bedtime, it usually didn't leave her bedroom, so it wasn't like it was affecting her speech, but it drove me nuts when she'd spit her words out while sucking on that thing.

Naptime wasn't happening today, even though I tried to wear her out. We had to go to the car place to get a part put on, bright and early at 8am. Then we went to run errands, stopped at a park, and came home to pack a picnic and go to the pool. By 12:30 she was laying her head down on my shoulder and asking to go home. Of course, once we got there she was all engines go again, go figure...So we're trying to do the one hour rest time, I gave her books and a bottle of water and told her she had to be quiet and rest. Ha! That kid does not sit still if she doesn't feel like it. I kind of rested but mostly just kept hearing her banging things around in her room, knocking the fan over, jumping on the bed, singing songs. Sigh...is it really the end of naptime? Or will she learn how to zonk out without a piece of plastic in her mouth?

Bedtime tonight should be interesting. Hopefully without a nap she'll be okay, but who knows. Eventually she'll have to sleep, right?

Sitting for Story Time

2010-08-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago a friend and I took our 2yr olds to a bookstore for story time. All the other kids sat nicely while our children ran amok and didn't listen to a thing the lady said. I thought maybe we should talk about that, so we've been really focusing on listening lately. This morning I said we could go to the library story time if she could listen to the story and sit still. Ingrid, of course, being on a "big girl" kick, said she could. She could not.

We got there and she started running past all the other kids sitting there nicely to try to find the toys they usually have out. I grabbed her and said no, listen there's a guy playing a song, let's sing along! She gave me her mad look and ran away. I wrangled her to the back and told her once again she had to sit and listen or we would go home, she screamed in my face that she wanted to stay. *deep breath* okay.

She refused to sit down and anything I would say just got a scream instead. Moms are looking, kids are looking, it was embarrassing. When we used to go to story time it was for kids under 2, so there wasn't a huge expectation of sitting still. Half the kids were running around and would only stop to sing a song they recognized. I never felt bad about it. But lately it seems like every other kid her age can sit still for a story and a song. All these little 2yr olds sitting like little ladies and gentlemen, and here's my monster running around like she never gets play time!

Part of me could care less, I love having my spitfire kid and why should I care if she has the attention span for story time? She can sit for hours at home reading books, and she knows the words to multiple songs. It's not like she really needs anything from story time. So why do I care? Is it just because of the looks from other moms? And why are those bitches giving me looks anyway?? I'm sure their kids all have their moments...

Or do kids need to learn to sit still and listen? Is it one of those socialization things they should learn how to do? It's rude to not listen and to disrupt story time for others, but is she capable of understanding that? Am I just expecting too much from a 2yr old? Until I figure it out I'm just going to avoid story time for awhile. There's nothing to be gained from it and it just frustrates me and doesn't seem to be very fun for Ingrid.

Back to School Already?

2010-08-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

Truly the end of summer approaching us here. I was about to get all pissy that the back to school stuff has taken over all of Target, but then I realized people are probably starting school in a few weeks...I am once again so glad I am not in school!

Have I ever told you how much I loved/hated school? Brendan and I were just talking about that as we watched the movie Dazed and Confused. There's a scene showing the last day of school and how excited everyone is and Brendan said that was always his favorite. I was a nerd, my favorite was the first day of school. It always held so much promise--would there be new kids to befriend? Any cool new teachers? What would I learn that year? Seriously, NERD!

Somewhere in the mix I started hating school though, I just stopped caring. Learning was still cool, but damn, there is so little of that going on when you have 25 other kids in your class, all of whom are going at a slower pace than you are. I thought college would be so much better and then that was just full of those same people I hated in high school. So school became this horrible thing I felt I had to get through.

Every semester was the same, I'd get all excited about my new classes and my new notebooks and folders and pens. I'd be really pumped to read the books on our list, and I'd make it to class in time to get a good seat. Then a couple weeks into it I would realize no one else was talking or asking questions but me and maybe one other person, so basically we were just getting talked at. I'd think, shoot, I don't have to get out of bed for this! And then I'd end up crying on the phone to one of my good friends about how much I hated school and where was I going with it and did I really have to go?

One semester I decided that no, I did not have to go through with it. Not if I didn't want to, which I obviously didn't. I had a good nannying job, I liked my life how it was, I didn't have a set path so school was just a thing I was paying for but not enjoying. So I quit. And boy did that feel good!! I have never once looked back and thought it was a bad thing. I nannied, I got married, I had my own kid, I started my etsy shop. Things are okay.

But now I'm a mom and I wonder what I'll say to Ingrid if she tells me she doesn't want to go to college. I realize that had I gone and just done it and stayed in for five years I would've at least gotten a degree, even if I never used it. I sometimes wish my parents had forced me to go. But then again, this is me, and my life has been my life because of the choices I've made. Who would I be if I had gone to college right out of high school? On the other hand, look at my husband: college done in four years, took a couple years off, got his phd, and now he's all set to get a kick ass job. I'd much rather see Ingrid do that than watch her struggle through her 20s like I did...

Anyway, back to school time always makes me think of these things. Part of me wants to go buy new folders and pens and part of me is glad that I can travel during the fall and not have to worry about a school schedule.

The Mold Attacks!

2010-07-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

Last night I found that there was mold covering almost everything in our basement. We have not only storage down there, but we've put a play room down there with almost every single toy we own for Ingrid! So I had to get some bleach water and rags and scrub down what I could. Unfortunately about half the toys had to go.

I was sad about the talking Lola doll. She had black all over her poor face and I couldn't wash her because she's got batteries. Into the trash...along with a few other stuffed things that were beyond washing. Her kitchen got a nice scrubbing but still smells pretty bad so I think we may have to get rid of that too. Half her fake food went into the garbage, and some books were pretty nasty, too.

After a couple hours of scrubbing and probably inhaling more bleach and mold spores than is healthy for a pregnant woman, I had all the toys out of the basement and put away upstairs. The good thing is that Ingrid hasn't played with these toys for some time, as we've spent so much time outside in the sun. So bringing up the toys that would stay was like getting all new toys to her! She has kept busy all morning. And it's nice that I cleaned something in this house and got to reorganize things that had been slipping into disaster zone.

Unfortunately some of our belongings were hit, too. We had to throw out the baby backpack, which was broken anyway, so not too huge of a deal. A sleeping bag sack is disgusting but hopefully the expensive sleeping bag is unharmed. Our backpacks luckily were not in harm's way, and all the baby stuff we have accumulated was thankfully in plastic bins and is okay. When we were in Milwaukee last week we saw the devastation of everyone's basements flooding, so I felt lucky that we could at least salvage half of what we had down there. And I'm feeling lucky that none of my sewing stuff was harmed!! That really would have killed me!

So now another day of reorganizing and downsizing and we have a clean living room with a new sewing nook, and Ingrid has a new room with all her toys stashed away nicely. It was nice to have a playroom but it will be nice to let her play in her room, too. As long as she still has a place to store her toys without me having to step on them every two seconds, I'm okay!

Quit Selling Me Stuff!

2010-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

I just got my issues of The Mother magazine, and Mothering magazine. To look at them side by side is funny. It totally made me realize that even though Mothering is geared toward a more natural hippy dippy kind of parent, they still are a big magazine that have to run ads to make it happen. So while Parents magazine has ads for Pampers and expensive strollers, Mothering has ads for Bum Genius and expensive baby carriers. But they're still the same--selling me things I don't need!!

I remember when I learned about slings and I wanted to get one on a limited budget. Some of them were pretty expensive but I always saw how you could make your own. I never did. I spent the money and got a ridiculously expensive Hotslings pouch, which I love, but now that I know I didn't have to fork over that much...sheesh. And my Ergo, I just had to have one but never could fathom spending over a hundred dollars on one. The only reason I have one? I found one at the thrift store for $8!!

It was the same with cloth diapers--I went the inexpensive route at first, got some used fitteds and some covers, they worked just fine and kept Ingrid dry. But it wasn't enough. I had to get the newest FuzziBunz, in cute colors. I had to try the Bum Genius, and even though I hated the velcro, I still ended up with seven of them! They don't work any better than what I had, but I thought I had to have more.

Isn't that what I'm trying not to do? Aren't I trying to live with what I have and be happy with what I have? Aren't I trying to teach Ingrid that it's what we do that makes us happy, not what we own? But dammit, you see these glossy ads in magazines and think your life would be so much better if you just had a different diaper, a better wrap, another glass bottle with bpa free nipple. Or that organic cotton whatever that costs five times more than I can afford.

What can you do, we live in a material based culture. It's up to me to figure out that I can read the articles and enjoy them while ignoring the ads and knowing I don't have to have every little thing that's out there, it will not, in fact, make my life easier or my baby happier. It's so easy to get sucked into it though!!

Not So Good Mom Day...

2010-07-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Actually it's been weeks since I've felt like a good mom but today was horrible. And it's only 3pm. I haven't been taking my meds lately with all the puking going on, so I'm on edge. I know you're not supposed to just stop altogether taking them, you're supposed to ease off them, and I didn't. So I have been really bitchy and yelly and just having no patience. On top of being sick and exhausted and getting fatter every day. No good.

Today was the wakeup call--again--that I need to refocus on my parenting skills. I remember these blissful times of baking with Ingrid, letting her make a mess, walking at a snail's pace letting her take in every part of nature she wanted. I remember crafting with her, reading to her, playing with her, and her being happy. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

Lately it has been yelling at her to move her ass up the stairs before she pees her pants again, or to get back in bed for the fifth time and just go to sleep already, or to put down that cherry she's smearing all over the couch. Our walks are hurried because it's hot and I'm wanting to go lay on the couch again. I grab her arm and probably hurt her and why? Because I'm focused on my needs and what I want to do at that moment. I want to get around the block in less than a half hour, so I grab her, tell her to walk, make her cry, and feel like shit.

Today she would not take a nap because she said she had to poop. But that is a worn out stall tactic most days, so I told her to go back to bed. She got her toys, I took them away, she got her books, I took them away. It was an hour of me yelling at her to get back in bed and close her eyes and go to sleep. She just WOULD NOT do it!!! I almost lost it, I just wanted to scream (who am I kidding, I did scream...) So one more time in her room yelling, she cried and then started saying "I sorry mama, I sorry!" I broke down in tears and hugged her and let her get out of the bed. She clearly was not going to nap, why fight it? And wouldn't you know, five minutes later she's running to the bathroom needing to poo--she hadn't been stalling at all.

But how am I supposed to know that???? It's the boy who cried wolf, completely! She says it every day at naptime, every night at bedtime, and it's only true about 5% of the time!

Anyway, I feel like shit for all the yelling, I feel like I stopped being an attached parent somewhere along the way. Now that she's not so dependent on me I just let her go about her way, forgetting she still needs me to listen to her and that our relationship can only be happy if we are both involved in it. Why can't I remember this? Why do I let things get out of hand and then have to come to this realization every few months?

Feeling Okay.

2010-07-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

The weather has been gorgeous the past couple days. Today I finally had the strength to go outside and do something. It's funny, I was so nauseated before but not throwing up, and now I'm throwing up but otherwise fine. Which is better? To me I guess this next stage is--throw up once in the morning, feel tons better, and go about my day. Sorry, TMI, but there you go.

Anyway, today was great, after I finally got my ass out of bed. We had to go to the library so I threw on my tennis shoes and put Ingrid in the stroller and we walked the mile or so to the downtown library. It's great to walk down Main Street and see all the outdoor cafes, everyone biking and enjoying the sun. We got our new books and then went to get a sub for lunch. After that we walked toward home.

On the way home I saw this enormous yard sale with loads of stuff, so I had to check it out. Ingrid was drawn magically to the kiddie sized drum set and spent the majority of the time drumming on it while all the people there said oh, she sure does like that! I think you should get it for her! Yeah right, you want me to live with a 2 year old and drum kit?? Right. I bypassed the drums and found a couple cool vintage sheets. What more could I ask for from a sunny summery day?

We then walked home for naptime and now I'm contemplating what to do this afternoon. I love feeling okay! I know tomorrow morning I'll be puking again, but for now I feel alright and I can take Ingrid out to have fun instead of begging her to just go read her books or go in the playroom for awhile while mommy lays half dead on the couch. Poor kid, she's really gonna get the shit end of this new baby stick, isn't she?

Making Babies is Hard Work!

2010-06-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

I am about nine weeks along and the sickness is getting to me. At first it was a little nausea, but if I ate it would go away. Ginger chews would work well, as did donuts! Now, however, it's just this sickness hanging around me all day. I'm totally tired, unmotivated, don't want to move. Poor Ingrid!

I've tried to keep busy, thinking if I just keep moving I'll distract myself. It works sometimes, but today I got up ready to go go go and I puked. And afterward could not move a muscle for two hours. For real, I have to do three more weeks of this???

I hated being pregnant with Ingrid and swore up and down I'd never do it again. Yet somehow these weeks at the beginning that go SO SLOWLY and are so uncomfortable were forgotten. All I could remember was the cute little belly, the kicks, and the baby at the end. These next three weeks cannot go fast enough! Here I come, second trimester!

News.

2010-06-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

Go over here and then come back and comment. It's fun, I swear!

Quit Stalling!

2010-05-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

We are trying very hard around here to help Ingrid go to bed with less stalling. For the past few weeks it's been taking her an hour or so to fall asleep. First it was that she wanted a drink. Then when I realized she was just saying that, but not drinking when given her water bottle, she moved onto throwing her nuk on the floor and then calling "I can't find my nuk!" After we stopped going in for that, it was that she "dropped" her doll, or that the glow worm needed batteries, or that she had to go to the bathroom. It was one thing after another, with me putting her to bed and then every five minutes popping up and running in the room. And getting more and more pissed as the time went on.

It all starts out so innocently, I just wanted to give my child what she needed before bed. And then it grew so gradually into a big deal that one day I was blindsided by the fact my daughter had been manipulating me for weeks! How did that happen?? However it happened, it's stopping. NOW.

Last night was my first trial of letting her go and not going in to give her anything. Most of the time I'm sitting there wondering if I'm being a big meanie, maybe she really is thirsty, maybe she really does have to go to the bathroom. But then I'd sit and listen to her and laugh--"I need my water bottle! I need my water bottle! I need to poo! I need...my dog! I need...I need...uh, my water bottle!" It was making me laugh last night listening to her because she was just grasping at straws, what will make mama come back into my room to get me?

She cried for a half hour on and off. Sometimes screaming, sometimes really sounding pathetic and tugging at my heartstrings, and sometimes sounding like a maniac. After a half hour I went in, told her it was time to go to sleep, and I left her. She fell asleep about a minute later. Instead of it taking over an hour to fall asleep, she fell asleep in a half hour. Progress! Tonight she's quiet, just talking to herself and not calling out for me, so we'll see. Hopefully she's getting the picture that there is no more stalling to go to bed. Hopefully.

Handmade Nation

2010-05-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

There was a little gathering of crafty ladies at Blue House tonight to watch the documentary Handmade Nation. It's funny I've never seen this, because it's from a lovely lady I know from Milwaukee! But I had never seen it before, and when I dropped my goods off at Blue House today, Siobhan told me they were showing it. Usually I am so tired by the end of dinner, I can't think of leaving the house and being coherent. But I figured why not, it's a nice night out and Mama needs a break from the stress that is bedtime around here!!

I'm so glad I went! It was about ten women, some sangria, beer, cheese, and a big tv playing a documentary about crafters, what could be better? It was a little intimidating because everyone seemed to know each other already and they had already been doing things together for a few months it seems. But I'm not one to be too shy, so I just jumped in and asked people's names and asked what things they've done and hopefully I'll get to know some people better.

It's funny, though. I enjoy making my stuff, and I have to admit that when someone went to the shop part and saw the little baby slippers I'd made and oohed and aahhed over them, I felt pretty good to say yep, that's my stuff. But I don't know that I'm into it enough to make it an actual factual business...Like there are tons of craft shows and other things going on, which sound fun, but I don't know. I just don't ever have that motivation needed to continue on with things. I like to blame it on Ingrid and the fact I have to do my sewing around her schedule, which is true to a point. But I know I could be creating things in her down time, or nap time, or after bed, or really focus on the weekends when Brendan is home. And I don't. I go in spurts--I'll get all into it and make about 10 bibs and five blankets and then be done with it for weeks. Or I'll try a new pattern and make 7 of the thing and then I never look at it again. Is this normal or am I just lazy??

Whatever the case may be, it's nice that I can sell stuff on consignment and through etsy and have a reason to make things. Sometimes you find an old Star Trek sheet and you just know a blanket has to be made from it, but really does your daughter need another handmade blanket? No, she doesn't, but the blanket still has to be made! This way at least I have an outlet for those urges!

Blue House Ann Arbor

2010-05-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I got an email from a woman who was starting a cooperative craft center. She was wondering if I'd be interested in selling some of my goods there, but since I thought we'd be moving I told her no thank you but good luck. Then the other day Brendan and I were taking a walk in our new neighborhood and we passed this cutest building--an old blue house that had a sign out front saying it was an artists space. I said hmmm, I wonder if that's the same lady that contacted me last fall? Sure enough it was!

I went over to talk to her on Tuesday and it was so amazing! The place is an old house, the front room has goods for sale from local artists. Some photos, some jewelry, some sewn goods, a little of everything. Then there's a sewing room, and upstairs are two studios. They have classes and events, host birthday parties, and will be taking part in the local art fair this summer, which is a huge ordeal around here!

And the best thing is, they want to sell my things! I am so excited to be doing this, it's another way to get my stuff out there. When we were moving and I had boxed up all my sewing stuff, I realized how much I love to sew. I love to make things, and I love to sell them, just to know others like it, too. But I'm not really interested in making a ton of money, just enough to support my fabric addiction! And to be able to join a group of local artists and have the support of a community will be really nice, too.

So, if you're in the Ann Arbor, Michigan area and need a bib, blanket, or baby shoes, be sure to stop by Blue House Ann Arbor!

No Impact man

2010-05-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

I just watched this documentary last night and it was wonderful! A family in NY city decides to try to make no environmental impact for one year. They give up cars and take to biking. They give up elevators and take to the stairs. They give up toilet paper, premade cleaning products, and washing machines. They start composting and eating only local foods. I never heard of it at the time, but I guess it was a big deal in New York, they were in the Times and on Good Morning America. It was all new to me, though, and I loved watching it.

They got a lot of negative comments about what they were doing and it just amazes me how people think doing little things like using cloth instead of disposable anything, or making your own cleaning products, or buying local food, is so crazy. To me it has become so common to use cloth wipes, rags instead of paper towels, and although I haven't done it in awhile, I used to make my own laundry detergent and cleaning products out of cheapness :) And it's not hard!

The wife of this family was into reality tv, shopping, and eating meat. By the end of the year, though, she was definitely turned on to the positives of the changes they'd made. She no longer spent $950 dollars at one clothing store (??!!) and she gave up her coffee addiction (no coffee was grown in New York, therefore had to be nixed.) There were wonderful scenes of the family stomping their laundry in the bath tub, and playing with their daughter, and eating by candlelight. I was just so excited to see someone that had a ton of reservations about the project totally turn around and embrace things.

Obviously not all was good. They gave up electricity for six months and instead of a refrigerator used a pot in pot contraption that was supposed to work but didn't. They were basically camping in their NY city apartment, as the wife said. I'm sure there were times it sucked beyond belief and they probably wanted to go out and get fast food and not have to cook their root vegetables. But like they said, they were going to the extreme to see what worked, what was possible, and what wasn't feasible. They realized that it wasn't about giving things up but doing the things they wanted to do in a more sustainable way.

It was really interesting to me because a lot of what they were doing reminded me of "olden times" for lack of a better term. Before everything was processed and marketed, people used what they had to do what they needed. When I was looking at making my own cleaning products everything I read was recipes from someone's grandma. That's just how it was done. You took some things you had in your pantry and you cleaned with them. You drank water from the tap, you didn't buy plastic bottles of it. You bought your food from local farms or markets, and didn't depend on having blueberries shipped in from Chile in the middle of the winter.

I know that convenience is really nice sometimes. I have been known to go for the easy way out many times. But is it really worth it? (The stupid thing about this is that I just bought a pack of disposable diapers for Ingrid yesterday after her cloth ones leaked through three nights in a row! I guess some things are convenient, aren't they? Sigh...) For me the movie just drummed up ideas of what I was comfortable with and what I wasn't. But it got me thinking, and that's the good thing. I think more people need to think about what they are doing and see what they could maybe do better.

One thing I think I need to work on is the local eating. Every year I want to do a CSA but every year it seems too expensive. Every week I say I should go to the farmer's market and then realize I missed it the next day. When I shop I should look for more locally grown things, and things with less packaging. What do you think you could change about your habits?

We're On Little Sooti!

2010-05-13T04:26:00.000-07:00

There's a great blog called Little Sooti that features fun and creative kid's rooms and birthday parties. I sent in a link to my post about Ingrid's new room, and they featured it on their blog! Go check it out! And then check out all the other amazing things they feature on there, there are really some adorable ideas.

Peaceful New Home

2010-05-11T04:34:00.000-07:00

So, a week later and we're settling in nicely! Living room is painted (thanks for the kick in the butt, Heather!!) boxes are unpacked, even the playroom is set up. The only thing needed is my sewing table set up (I need to get to Ikea and get some table legs) and pictures hung on the wall. And can I say thank god we are here???

Number one, we are so close to things, it's awesome. Brendan can bike to work, or if he needs a ride it's not a big deal. Stores are close by. Fun things are close by. There are tons of new parks to check out.

Number two, Ann Arbor is amazing. All the taxis are Priuses. They have a great recycling system, so you can put all numbers of recyclables in the bin instead of only #1 and #2. And they have curbside compost bins! Just like a trash bin, only you can put your fruit and veg scraps and lawn debris in there. Then if you want, you can go get cheap mulch and compost for your garden from the recycle center. How awesome is that?

Number three, because we are so close to things, Brendan is so much less stressed out. Mornings are enjoying a cup of coffee and playing with Ingrid instead of rushing around to leave before traffic gets too bad. Evenings he's home at a decent time, we get to eat dinner at a leisurely pace, and there's time afterward to go for a family walk instead of rushing to get Ingrid in bed. It is so nice!

Number four, the house is full of good vibes. Unlike the apartment that had noisy trashy neighbors, we have a real house, with lots of windows and sunlight coming through. We have a backyard that Ingrid loves, and we can let the dog out without worrying about him. Every day we say how much we love this place, and how we can't believe we lasted more than a year at the old apartment! I feel so lucky to be in a great neighborhood instead of in trashville where we were before!

So basically, things are good here. I'm loving life again, and I'm thankful that our move is over and we don't have to think about it again for another year. And then hopefully we'll be able to settle somewhere for good!

Homeschooling

2010-05-08T05:16:00.000-07:00

Lyndsey over at Motherhood Moments wrote this blog post about unschooling. I am so inspired by it and had to write my own ideas down about it.

My schooling was okay, there was nothing majorly wrong about it, but it left me uninspired and even though I could have gone to whatever college in Michigan I wanted to on a great scholarship, I didn't go to college. I was burnt out on playing the game of school. I was always getting negative comments on my report cards about bothering other kids who were still working. I would whiz through whatever we were doing and I'd be bored, so I would try to help my friends along so they could be done, too. Teachers didn't think oh here's an intelligent kid, they just said oh, here's a nuisance, we need to shut her up and slow her down. So I began to think I was doing something wrong. Teachers would tell me I was going too fast, I wasn't reading the directions clearly, I wasn't double checking my answers. Yes, I was! I was just really fast!

And don't get me started about middle school! As a girl it is hell. Absolute pure hell. I would not wish that on my daughter for anything. The gossip, the dirty looks, the backstabbing. I had a group of friends in 6th grade, one of whom was a neighbor girl I would play with often. One day she decided she didn't like me, so she talked all the other kids into not liking me, either. Suddenly I was left floating in a class with no friends and no idea why it had happened. Luckily I was switched to another class and found girls I am still to this day friends with! But how awful to go through that, right??

High school was not much better. I was "good" at school because I would do the work, but I wasn't interested in any of it. Most of the classes were spent trying to quiet people down, then teach a little, then make us regurgitate what we were told. If you had a good memory, you were "smart." If you didn't, then you weren't. By my junior year I was over it. I stopped playing the game, I stopped going to class, I was this close to dropping out. Everyone thought I was on drugs, or hanging out with the wrong crowd, they never stopped to think that a 16 year old could just be sick of school and all the drama that went along with it!

One thing I remember is that older friends that had graduated would say stick with it, college is so much better! You know why they thought it was better? Because they had freedom to learn what they wanted, take classes they wanted, and people were there because they wanted to be there. There are those classes with people that have to take a requirement, but most classes are filled with people who chose to be there because they wanted to learn that subject. You know what that sounds like to me? Homeschooling! Why make my kid wait until she's burnt out with "normal" schooling? Why not just teach her that way all along?

I remember our family friends switching their kids to a new charter school. They went to an info night and when they got back with folders of the new curriculum, I was so jealous! Sixth graders were expected to read the classics! They got to take interesting science classes! I said that if I had a chance to go to a school like that, I wouldn't have almost dropped out of school, I would have gone to college right away, I would have enjoyed learning. I still remember that, and if I can't find a school like that for Ingrid, I don't want to send her anywhere. She can stay home with me and read whatever books she likes, and we'll go to museums and movies and look stuff up online. She can take music classes or dance classes or whatever she wants to do.

Yesterday we were at the park and there were some older kids playing on the merry go round. They were going a bit fast and Ingrid wanted to join in. I thought for sure the girls would give her dirty looks and not let her play but right away they said HI! Do you want to play with us? We'll go slow, come on, let's play! I was amazed, and completely happy. Then I met their mom--she has seven kids and homeschools. The kids aren't raised to see kids as younger and therefore inferior, they just see...kids. That want to play. How lovely!

This is a bit of a rambling post, but it's stuff that is on my mind so much. Part of me wants to "get rid" of Ingrid at 5 so I can focus on sewing and stuff, but that's a small selfish part that comes out on the days she acts up and is a true 2 year old! Another part wonders if she's learning enough social things, and if she'll be okay with other kids if she's not in a preschool or whatever. Even though I know she's learning social skills from me, I wonder. And she's just turning 2 so I have time to figure stuff out, but Lyndsey's post inspired me, so here you go!

Itching to Be Done

2010-04-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

Living with half your life in boxes sure does suck. I wanted to be prepared and have things boxed up well before the day we moved but I'm realizing now how much it wears on my nerves to want to do something and find the supplies are in a box.

Mainly I'm talking about sewing. First I was sick, so I didn't feel like doing anything anyway. And then the etsy shop was super quiet, I made one sale the whole month of April. I was pretty over the whole thing, thinking about not doing etsy anymore even! Then I got home from the hospital to find three orders. And in the past week I have had three different conversations about custom orders. And I have been thinking of things I want to make for Ingrid's new room. And I forgot about a birthday present owl I had to make and I packed the stuffing away!

So, I'm itching to get sewing! I want to make bunting for Ingrid's birthday party, something like this. I love Candace's choices of fabric! I also have some more motivation to make things for the shop. And of course I have to outfit our new house with curtains and pillows! So much I want to do and all my fabric and supplies are boxed up.

You know what really bugs me is that we can get our keys tomorrow but President Obama is making a speech at the UofM commencement. It's taking place at the stadium which is exactly one block away from our new house. So...all the roads will be blocked off and there's no way I want to try to get through that traffic!! I could be moving tomorrow, I could be getting things settled again, and instead I'm going to be stuck at home without Brendan (who will be in Chicago at a friend's wedding) wanting nothing more than to be getting into our stinkin' new house!!

I am so impatient. What's one more day? I should quit my complaining and just go pack up the rest of the house. Or play outside with Ingrid, it's supposed to be in the 70s today!

Decorating Daydreams

2010-04-26T04:24:00.000-07:00

We are moving one week from today! I am so excited, I can't wait to be close to things again! Yesterday for example, Brendan wanted to go get a suit for the wedding he's going to. The shop we wanted to go to is a 20 minute drive from our current place. But our new place? A ten second drive! Yay!

So, instead of focusing on how much stuff I still need to pack up, I'm imagining our new place and what I want to do with it. I have Ingrid's room all planned out--her new bed, her bookshelf, and some throw pillows. I found some fabric I think I need:

I want to make a small quilt for the bed, floor pillows, and curtains. I think the walls are a creamy color, so hopefully I won't have to repaint. I love to paint, but I'm getting sick of making a place my own and then having to move a year later...

The other place I have ideas for is the basement--our new playroom/sewing room! We have a little Ikea couch with a red cover, I want to get a cushy rug to put in front of it, we have two red shelving units to put toys on, and then Ingrid has her kitchen set. A friend has a bit of chalkboard paint leftover so we'll probably do a square of that on the wall, and have her little coloring table for an art corner. And my sewing area!! I finally get a chance to leave my sewing machine in one place! And have a stand up ironing board that I don't have to move. And all my fabric can be out and inspiring me, instead of being balled up in a linen closet. Maybe this way I'll use the fabric I have and quit buying more. ha! I doubt it.

Yep, don't want to deal with packing, so I'll just keep on daydreaming. I hate moving, I can't wait until we buy a house and won't have to uproot ourselves every year.

Hosptial Craziness.

2010-04-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Friday night I ended up in the hospital and I just got home yesterday. It was completely unexpected and completely crazy!

I was sick all last week with a sore throat, swollen glands, I couldn't swallow. It sucked. But I've had that before, it goes away, life goes on. However, this time it wasn't going away. Five days of not being able to eat or drink anything and I was at the end of my rope. So, Brendan drove me to the ER when he got home from work Friday night.

I felt like they were going to laugh at me and just tell me I had a sore throat and to deal with it, but right away the triage nurse was concerned and called a doctor to come see me. He threw around some terms and said get her an IV right away and get her to a bed. So I was brought back to a bed, put on a gown, and given some fluids by IV. Doctors came in, nurses bustled around, and they all seemed really concerned. I ended up getting a CT scan of my head and throat so they could see where the infection was and what was going on.

After the scan they made the diagnosis that I had an infected thyroglossal duct cyst. Apparently when the thyroid is forming in utero, it starts at the back of the mouth and travels down to where it will stay in the throat. Then the track disappears and everything's normal. Unless the track doesn't disappear, in which case it forms a cyst which can and will become infected. So I found out at age 33 I have a birth defect! It was so crazy to me, because I have had this happen a number of times in the past 15 years but no one ever knew what caused it. I was just relieved to finally know what the hell was going on!

They wanted to admit me but found out my insurance wouldn't cover a stay at that hospital, so I had to be transported by ambulance to the other local hospital. Right beforehand the nurse insisted I take some morphine to help with the pain. So I was totally drugged up, riding around in an ambulance on a Friday night. Not what I had planned for at all!

At the other hospital they pumped me full of steroids to take down the neck swelling, and antibiotics. And more drugs. I have to say, I can see how people could become addicted to pain meds, they make you feel all nice and warm and dozy! I slept awhile, finally got a hold of Brendan, who had taken Ingrid home by then to put her to bed, and in the morning I was moved to a room. I was admitted into the hospital and stayed for 24 hours, being given antibiotics and steroids.

I felt so much better after a few hours!! I could finally swallow, which meant I could finally eat after five or so days of eating yogurt. I had more energy, I got some sleep, I was ready to go home. Brendan took Ingrid to come see me and it was so hard to hear her yelling "I need my mama!!" as they left the room to go home. I couldn't take it, I wanted to be home. So they let me go Sunday afternoon. I went home, felt like crap, and by the time I woke up Monday morning I was completely swollen and unable to swallow. Again. So I had to go to the hospital. Again.

I got to a room, got hooked up to more IVs, more antibiotics, more doctors coming in asking me questions. I met with some Ear Nose and Throat doctors and we scheduled a surgery for the end of May. I went back to the room, had to listen to my 80 yr old roommate tell anyone and everyone that she just had an enema, and tried to rest. This time I couldn't so well. I just kept thinking of Ingrid and how sad she was. My mom came to take care of her and she said Ingrid just kept saying "Mama's at the hospital, mama's sick. Mama go to the doctor." For some reason, that just killed me.

With another 24 hours of antibiotics I felt much better. I got released yesterday afternoon and I am feeling okay. Weak, still have a sore throat, and I got a cold on top of all this!! But better. On the mend. And I'm home, thank god. I got to sleep in my own bed last night, it was amazing.

Now, though, I have so much on my mind. We are moving in a week and a half, so I have to pack up the house. After we move we obviously have to then unpack at the new house. Then Ingrid's birthday is in May, so we're having a party for her. But somewhere in there they want me to have surgery and a 2 week recovery period. I am completely stressing thinking about all the stuff that needs to happen in the next month! No fun.

Guess What??

2010-04-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

Chicken Butt!

Haha, we got a book from the library last week called Chicken Butt. Ingrid thinks it's funny to say "You know what? heehee, chickbutt!" I love toddlers' senses of humor.

But no, seriously, the guess what is for this--we're ready to try for #2!! This weekend, the weekend of crabiness and yelling, we actually had a conversation about babies. Brendan always thinks we should wait. With Ingrid he wanted to wait until he was done with school, which I am so glad I would not agree to, seeing as Ingrid was almost one by the time he was actually done. This time he wanted to wait until he got a job. I said cool, it'll be this spring. Then he decided to stay at his job another year, so I figured we could start now. He kept saying later, later, in the fall. Why? Who knows.

And I am always the one that says no, let's just go for it now. Especially after having Ingrid at the time we did. We thought Brendan would have one year of grad school left, and that it would take six months or so for me to get pregnant. I have PCOS so I thought it would take forever. With that thinking, we started trying the summer before Brendan's last year of school. I got pregnant on the first try, and he had to stay in school an extra semester. We lived with his parents and it was crazy, but you know what? I wouldn't change it. We had a great support system for the first few months, it made us really ready to move on from Milwaukee and try something new, and I honestly don't know how it would've been to be in our own place with a newborn. It was nice to have his parents pop in upstairs every once in awhile.

So now, of course I was thinking the day he figured he'd stay another year that we could start trying for baby #2. You know, I'll get pregnant this spring, have a baby in late winter, and then we can move with a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn next spring. Instead of having a 2 1/2 year old and being insanely hugely pregnant...And saying that made Brendan realize, once again, that I'm right :) So we're trying. Hooray!

It's funny how much Ingrid picks up on things. Every time we see a baby I say oh, don't you want a baby? You could be a big sister! You could be my helper and sing to the baby! So after her nap today she says "Mama, I need to be a big sister. I need to sing Rockabye Baby to the baby." Ha! I'm totally brainwashing my child into thinking she needs a sibling. Hopefully she'll still feel that way if we get one!

Good Riddance, Crabby Weekend!

2010-04-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

Man, is there something in the air? Or perhaps our water? This weekend was awful, both Brendan and I were so crabby. This may or may not have led to Ingrid being equally crabby, which in turn made us both more crabby. Nice little circle of events, no?

Honestly I can't even remember what set me off, but I was so pissy and then Ingrid says "I sorry, Mama" and I almost started crying. She takes it so personally when we get yelly, and now that she can say things like she's sorry it's making me realize how much we have to try to talk like adults and be at least civil to each other.

It's hard to be an adult. At one point I let the sarcasm flow and my voice got louder and louder, and then Ingrid looked over at me and it just broke my heart. I don't want to teach her to be like that. One of the things I've always prided myself on is that I like to settle things in an adult manner, with conversations and give and take. No petty yelling and swearing and throwing things, no real fighting, just issues and trying to talk through them. This weekend I forgot about all that...

So my goal for this week is to try and return to being a nicer mom, a nicer wife, someone people would want to live with. No more rolling eyes (well, I'll try anyway) no more getting mad that things weren't done my way. I actually yelled at Brendan for running the dishwasher without putting enough dishes in it. He said I was just trying to help and I got mad that he didn't help in the right way. I still think it was silly to run it, but I certainly didn't have to yell at him.

Back to being calm, gentle, nurturing. I somehow have lost my way with that, but hopefully I can get back on track. Tomorrow we're going to take a picnic by the lake, and bake bread, and maybe try to sew a dress for a friend's birthday. Things are looking up!

More TMI, Beware: Family Cloth

2010-04-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

As I've said before, I've kinda gone a little crunchy. Cloth diapers, cloth pads, cloth napkins, etc etc. The only thing I was still waiting on was using family cloth. If you're unaware of this, it's using cloth wipes instead of TP. From what I've been able to find online, people are pretty grossed out by this. I believe I read someone's comment calling whoever did this an environazi. However, when I heard about it, I was open to the idea. But for whatever reason, it's been months and months and I still was using TP.

Cut to last week when we ran out. I hate running out of TP! Sitting there searching the nearby area for anything to use, wondering if your two year old will understand if you tell her to get mommy some TP from the other bathroom. And I did what I had to do, I used a washcloth. I survived. And it got me thinking about family cloth again and how much TP we go through, and how it's really the last of the paper products we still use in our house.

So, yesterday I rummaged through my scrap box, found some flannel, and went to work. I came up with 35 5"x5" squares, pinked the edges, and sewed two pieces together. I have to say, they were pretty cute and inviting right away. Ingrid wanted to go potty three times in an hour just to be able to use a new wipe. Hmmm, maybe these would catch on as potty learning tools?

We put the wipes in a little box on the counter, moved the diaper bin into the bathroom, and viola! We are the proud new users of family cloth. My husband came home and saw me making more, and I was just gushing about how proud I was of myself for doing this. He kind of gave me a look and shrugged. Whatever, my wife is going crazy again...But he used them when he took Ingrid to the bathroom, that's all I care about.

So there you go, more personal information about our household practices that you probably never wanted to know. I did warn you, though.

Ann Arbor it is.

2010-04-03T04:25:00.000-07:00

We got the apartment in Ann Arbor, the side by side duplex (or semiattached home, depending on where you're from!) It's perfect for us, and I'm so excited to move there. We will have a little yard, a basement that I'm envisioning using as a play/sewing room, hardwood floors, which means my vaccuum can be stored away and I won't ever have to use it!! Hooray!

This place is right down the road from the University of Michigan football stadium. So, if you know anything about Big Ten football, it's pretty huge. Which means we'll probably have lots of traffic, noise and other crazy things on game day. But...it's only a few days out of the year. And it could be kinda fun. Right?

We are going to be so close to things, I just can't wait. I already have started decorating the place in my head. We can paint and of course I'll sew up some new curtains and pillows. I'm ignoring the fact I have to still pack up my whole house and figure out a way to move it all there, I'm just focusing on the fun stuff after we're in :)

Moving Time!

2010-04-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

Not so fast, Amber! We haven't found a new place yet. BUT, we did just hand in our official notice that we're moving at the end of the month. Hooray! So long, apartment complex living, with your smelly hallways, your roaring showers, your washing machine in the upstairs apartment that is always off balance as it's being run at 11pm.

So far we have found two places that seem okay. One is by the university and is a side by side duplex, which I've lived in before. Shared walls but it's only on the side of the bathroom and the stairs. And it has a yard! And hardwood floors! And Brendan could be home by 5:30pm! The other is a huge house a block away from our friends. It has three bedrooms, a yard, is in a cute little small town where I could walk everywhere and barely need a car anyway. Brendan would still have to commute, though, and heating an old house like that will really add to our expenses. The guy hasn't even gotten back to me though, so I shouldn't be counting on that house being available anyway!

It's exciting to think of moving and setting up house in a new place. Not exactly what I'd been planning on, staying here in Michigan, but it's not bad. I really do like my friends and if we are in a better place to live, I know I will be able to enjoy myself here. Especially during the summer, I'm imagining walks in the park, barbeques in the backyard, and walking everywhere I can. Because I will be able to walk places, unlike here where there's a ghetto Domino's pizza, a carwash, or a rundown gas station in walking distance.

So long, Ypsilanti, I won't miss you.

We're Staying?

2010-03-30T05:58:00.000-07:00

Brendan came home last night and told me he's staying at his job for another year. Which is nice, I guess, but now we're in limbo for one more freakin' year! The good news is that we don't have to worry about where we'll be this summer, and we are looking for a new place to live that is NOT in Ypsilanti. We hate it here where we are, it's trashy and far away from everything and every time someone in our building takes a shower you can't hear anything above the roar of the water. So...onto a new place.

You know how hard it is to find an okay place here for less than $1000 a month??? Seriously, people, we're in Michigan, not a big city! What's with all the houses being $3000 a month to rent? We found a couple prospects on craigslist last night, so we'll see if we hear back from anyone. Hopefully we will, because we're giving our notice tomorrow, giving us exactly one month to find somewhere new to live! Nothing like a little pressure, huh?

So, today is all about paying bills, figuring out money for moving, finding boxes, and starting to pack!! Unfortunately that means I'll be finding things to donate to Salvation Army and then we'll go drop it off and end up buying a couple bags of different crap! I just love thrifting.

A Part of Things

2010-03-29T04:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took Ingrid to the Easter egg hunt at a local park. The whole morning made me realize how awesome it is to be a part of things wherever it is I live. We went to a little restaurant coffee shop to meet up with friends, and who should we see in the parking lot but other friends that were just leaving! We chatted a bit, then went inside to get some muffins before venturing to see the Easter bunny.

After coffee we went to the park and met some more friends, and as we were walking around I heard my name being called. It was someone from our apartment complex, the woman who helped us with our lease when we moved. She has always been super friendly and when she sees us she calls us by name. So sweet! And I saw a few moms I recognized from story time at the library.

When I got home, I was just feeling so good about how we moved here not knowing a single person a year or so ago, and now I can go out to a community event and run into people I know. It just makes me feel confident that once Brendan gets his job and we move, we'll be able to make our lives comfortable and meet new friends, no matter where we are.

My new daydream is small town living. Brendan applied to a job about an hour north of Milwaukee, so we'd be close to friends and family but not have to live in the city. I have realized since having Ingrid that I don't want to live in a city. I like the idea of museums and such, but I hate the noise and the traffic. So this small town is close to a city but far enough away that we would be able to have a house with a nice back yard and a small little downtown. The town is right on Lake Michigan, and the houses--oh my god! They are so inexpensive! Theoretically we could buy a house way sooner rather than later, and actually get a house we liked, rather than one we could just afford. And with a small mortgage payment we could travel, which is what we want to do. The town is also close to our favorite state park and other hiking areas. The more we talked about it the better it sounded!

But again, every time Brendan tells me a place he applied to, I look up where the town is, what the house prices are, go look on craigslist to see what kind of rentals they have. And I start thinking about how it would be to live there and I can find a list of positives. I have gone from Colorado and the mountains to Southern California and palm trees to small town Wisconsin and Lake Michigan and I can see us living in all the places and having a good time. So we'll see.

Wherever we end up, though, I am excited to meet new people and start to make our lives there. No more limbo, I want to know I'm going to live somewhere for more than a year...

Sewing Like a Real Person

2010-03-23T04:20:00.000-07:00

Usually my philosophy on sewing is that it's going to just be for me or a friend and who cares if it's a bit wonky? But since I've started selling things on etsy, I have to make sure it's worth the money I charge, you know? I don't charge much simply because I know I have a long way to go before I would feel comfortable saying they deserve tons of money...But awhile ago I got a book from the library, the Sewing Bible I think it was called, and it was so interesting to read about sewing. Like a real seamstress like person.

Patterns were never my thing, I eyeballed everything and slapped them together and it came out pretty cute but I was always jealous of things like darts, gathering, and fancy things I couldn't figure out how to do. I just opened a pattern I'd had forever and tried it and holy cow! It worked! And it turned out so cute. I still have to get a serger so I can make the inside seams look nicer but as it is, they look way better than they used to.

So I got brave and tried yet another pattern, this one with lots of different new things. I had to do buttons and button holes, sew on bias tape, do gathering stitches. As it was my first and just for Ingrid anyway, I did do it a bit wonky, as usual, but it's practice and I learned what to do better next time. And apparently it turned out cute, because after I posted the picture to Facebook, I had three people ask me if I could make one for them! (You can see the pics here.)

We are off the library again today and I'm looking forward to getting that book again and perusing to see what other little tips I can glean. And one of these days I'm going to get a pattern from oliver + s or heidiandfinn and make something really adorable and I will be so stinkin' proud of myself!

I've Gone All Hippy

2010-03-17T06:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all the wonderful blogs I've been following the past year or so, I have gone all hippy. Cloth diapering, cloth mama pads, thinking of homeschooling, using slings, breastfeeding baby #2 if I can (and for longer than six months, thank you very much.) It has been so gradual that I hadn't noticed it much. And then I talked to old friends and realized how much I've gone over to the crunchy side!

Number One: Slings. A friend of mine is very pro stroller, and I respect that. I was trying to tell her how awesome slings are and how babywearing is so great for the baby. She just isn't into it. And then she found the warning about bag slings and said for sure no. Not for them. I thought back to when I was pregnant for Ingrid and I'd never even heard of a sling. I spent hours and hours researching strollers, it was an obsession! And then we got a front pack and I never used our stroller anyway...And then we got slings and carriers and I just loved them so much. I loved the feeling of having Ingrid right there, she'd lean back and look at me and smile, I'd kiss her every five steps.

Number Two: Cloth Diapers. I have tried to convince so many people that it's really not that big of a deal! Again, when I was pregnant I thought about using cloth but the upfront costs really made it seem impossible. It wasn't until I started really looking at things that I realized that you can do it pretty cheaply, and you can do it part time, and you can get a stash little by little, you don't have to have all 20 diapers at once. And washing and poop, they are not a big deal. You get used to it. And after spending $600 on disposables, I cringe thinking of how many awesome organic diapers I coulda bought with that money!!

Number Three: Paper products in General. I use cloth pads now. It's just a given that with using cloth diapers I suddenly saw how silly it was to use disposable pads. We also don't use paper napkins--I have cheap washcloths we use, and I just started thrifting some cool old cloth napkins. I used to think they were for fancy dinners, I don't know why it never occured to me to use them every day!  We also don't use paper towels, which doesn't seem like a big deal to me. We haven't used them in years. But a maintenance man came to fix our dishwasher and asked for a paper towel.  I said we don't use them and he gave me such an incredulous look! But I thought about it and duh, why would you use papaer to soak up a spill? We don't dry ourselves off with paper bath towels do we??

Number Four: Breastfeeding. I did not breastfeed Ingrid.  I don't regret it one bit. She grew and grew and she's smart as hell, and she hasn't had a lot of sickness at all. But...for baby #2 I am going to do everything in my power to breastfeed him/her. For one, it's so much better than shelling out $20 for a can of formula that smells and stains everything! And it's easier to stick a boob in the mouth than fumble around for a bottle and measuring the formula at 2 in the morning.  And one thing I got defensive about with my friends was extended breastfeeding. I have to admit that when I first saw people nursing their toddlers and tandem nursing, I was freaked out. I just never saw it before. It was weird to me, it was different, and I just didn't get it. But after seeing it around it seems normal to me. Like why not nurse past six months? Why stop it at one year exactly?  What's wrong with nursing past what someone deems normal?  This was something not one single friend of mine agreed with me on! They all thought it was gross, and the mother being selfish not wanting to give it up. And unneccesary, why not just give the kid "real" milk? I was really quite surprised, as my friends around here in MI nursed their kids as long as they wanted, they never seemed in a hurry to stop, and were actually sad when it did stop. It seems strange to me to just stop it and give a kid cow's milk instead of human breast milk...

So there you go, I'm a crunchy hippy and I am proud of it!!  Thank you so much to Sarah and Gina and Sunnymama for showing me a different way of being a parent. It has helped me be the kind of parent I want to be!

Can You All Just Stop, Please?

2010-03-12T05:07:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, quit having babies! I swear to god, the past couple weeks every single blog I follow has had a post saying Mama is preggo...Not that I'm not happy for you all, because I am! But I'd be a whole lot happier if I were at least trying myself.

Brendan is in the process of applying for jobs. He is stressed out. He is only 90% sure he wants another one. So, we are talking about baby #2 once he gets a job, maybe. It's kind of driving me nuts, I want to just start trying now. He's going to get a job, I mean, he's got a phd in chemistry. He'll get a job! So I'll just be a few months pregnant when we move, no biggie.

Can you tell I have no patience? Which is funny since my mind changes a lot about having another one. It's pretty much set to baby #2 though, especially after the other day when Ingrid saw a baby in a stroller and was all like "hi baby! hi baby!" I can just imagine her with li'l bro or sis, being the big helper.

So yeah, we're a few months away from even being able to try and it's driving me crazy. We got lucky with Ingrid, she was our first try. But I just have this feeling we won't be so lucky next time. Which is silly, because I didn't think I could even get pregnant and we did right away--why not the second time around, too?? I'm an impatient worrywart, such a great combination...

So anyone who's pregnant, I am happy for you! I'm just going to be crabby about it until it's my turn :) Sorry.

Having Fun Sans Baby

2010-03-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

Brendan and I are in Milwaukee right now. We left early Friday morning, had a nice leisurely train ride, read books, and got in about 2:30. We hung out with Brendan's mom for awhile, then met his dad at a restaurant down on the river for a fish fry. Ahh, fish fry. I find them so funny--I'd never heard of them until I moved here, then they became so normal to me, and now that I'm away from Wisconsin they are an oddity again. I opted for an enormous greasy burger instead, and it was good. We were in bed by 8pm, for real! I got the best night's sleep in so long, it was so nice not to have to worry about hearing a call for "Mama? Water bottle, Mama?"

Yesterday was amazing, we got coffee and Brendan's dad brought us cinnamon rolls (which is why I gained so much weight when we lived here--he does that all the time!!!) Then I went to meet some friends for brunch. I had the whole top section of my suitcase filled with little girl clothes and some homemade goodies for my friend Katie who is about to pop! We had bloody maries and fresh donuts (see, seriously, fat Amber!) and sat and talked for a couple hours. I miss my Milwaukee friends, it was so nice to hang out with them again. Then my friend and I went thrifting and to this crazy store that is stuck in time.

Dretzka's is seriously a blast from the past, I went there for the first time last year and I fell in love. It's a cavernous store that has anything and everything from the 1950s on. With old tags, old prices, and lots of dust and mold. It is so strange, but I found some great things there--little girl's gloves, knee socks, and a huge stash of old cards from the 50s and 60s. Last time I went I got invitations to Ingrid's birthday party, so I did that again this year. And I had to get some baby announcements for if we have #2...I had to!! They were so cute, and there were SO MANY of them. You know the little tiny ones they used to give out, with a picture of a baby on the front and some little poem on the inside and you write down the date, time and weight? The ones I got have a baby on a rocking horse, they were adorable. Now Brendan just has to get a job so we can start working on baby #2 ;)

After Dretzka's I came home to take a great nap, again, not having to worry about anyone interrupting me! Then we had dinner with the folks, and drinks with some friends. Along with a lot of sweets, there's a lot of drinking beer here. It's not just a stereotype!

Today I'm off to get coffee with some other friends, then Brendan and I are going to search for a wee sized baseball hat for Ingrid--baseball season is coming up and she needs a Brewers hat to show her Milwaukee pride!

We have had such a good time, it's been so relaxing and fun, and I know that Ingrid is in good hands with my mom. Thank god for grammas, thank god for friends, and thank god we're only going to be away for two days, I miss my little girl immensely!

You're Driving Me Crazy!!

2010-02-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

Ingrid has been very whiny and demanding lately. She is very into "I do it!" and "No, go this way!" Which I love because she's such an independant little spitfire. However, it also drives me nuts sometimes.

This morning after hearing her throw yet another tantrum because I wouldn't let her grab my sharp sewing scissors or play with the rotary cutter (what a horrible mom I am, I know) I said, "Aah! You are driving me crazy!" Brendan said "You say that all the time. Maybe this isn't working? You staying at home with Ingrid?"

I was completely dumbfounded. How on earth could he think it wasn't working, me staying at home? Does he not know that I love my job as a stay at home mom?? Does my husband really not know me at all? Yes, I say Ingrid drives me crazy a lot, because--she drives me crazy, A LOT! But that doesn't mean I don't like to be around her. I do, I just can't stand this whiny, tantrum phase she's going through. (It's just a phase, right?!)

Anyway, it got me thinking about how I voice my opinion on everything. I wonder what it's like to be my husband, having to deal with me and my gab. I complain a lot, even when something doesn't really bother me all that much. I just say stuff, without really thinking about it. So, in that second that Ingrid was crying, I said she drove me crazy. And in the moment that she cuddles up on me I say I love you SO SO MUCH! They balance each other out, don't they? I think I say more positive things than negative, but now I have to stop and think about it.

I'm always trying to be calmer and more positive, I guess this is one of those things I have to work on. Less "you drive me crazy" and more "I love you so much."

Berlin

2010-02-20T15:55:00.000-08:00

On the side of my Facebook page there was an ad for Urban Apartments Berlin. After looking at the website I am longing for an adventure!!

Brendan and I got engaged in Germany. Our trip was awesome--we met a friend in Cologne, stayed with him and his family in Duesseldorf for a night, then we all drove to some small town where they were getting married. After that we took the train to Berlin, where we stayed in a friend of a friend's apartment. It was amazing--everything was so close by, we had an S-Bahn station right around the corner, and it was free. We offered to pay money but were told a bottle of wine and a thank you would suffice. After that we went to Prague and stayed at a hostel (we were definitely too old to enjoy it properly...) and then we went to Munich and stayed at another friend of a friend.

The whole trip was amazing because, although I'd been to Germany a couple times before that, Brendan never had. So we got to travel together and see things together. And the other times I'd been there I didn't do much, just hung out with my friend Heike and her friends. Not a lot of sightseeing was done! This time we got to go to museums and churches and parks. And it was so great that people that didn't even know us would let us stay at their apartments. I thought that was the most amazing thing--they just opened up their houses to us. And at the place in Munich we met some neighbors. The woman was German and the man was from none other than Madison, Wisconsin! It really is a small world!!

Anyway, back to the apartments in Berlin. I looked at some of them and recognized where some of them were. And they aren't that expensive. Suddenly the daydream of just jumping on a plane to Berlin and staying with Ingrid and Brendan in a little flat was in my head. We'd suddenly remember our never used German skills, we'd get coffee and pastries for breakfast. We'd buy cute German things for Ingrid. We'd hop on and off the trams and trains like old pros. We'd show Ingrid a different place and have a great time as a little family.

Ahhhh, sounds awesome!

But, alas, we have no money and have to think about moving soon. I should be saving all our money instead of daydreaming away our savings on imaginary plane tickets and cute Berlin apartments. Blah. It's not fun being responsible sometimes...

Growing Up Too Quickly...

2010-02-18T09:53:00.000-08:00

I feel like Ingrid is growing up too quickly. Everything seems to have flown by. She's not even two yet and already she's this little chatterbox who's singing full songs and telling us she needs to go to the bathroom. Where'd my baby go??

She has been going on the potty all day today, no diapers except just now when I put her down for her nap. We even went on a walk and she stayed dry and went when we got home! We're totally following her lead, she just started to tell us she had to go, so we bring her. And she goes. And gets the hugest smile on her face, you can tell how proud of herself she is! It's amazing!

And singing, oh man. That kid loves to sing! She likes the Five Little Monkeys song right now, and can sing pretty much every word. And Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, although you can't understand half the words she says. She gets the tune right, though.

She also talks in full sentences and is pretty good at articulating her words. Some kind of run together but mostly you can understand her.

She's not a baby...

I am proud of her for doing all these things, for counting to 10 and saying her ABCs and reciting her books, but I feel like it's all happening too quickly. I want to have a cuddly baby still! She was so behind on crawling and walking, and then bam, she went full force from baby to preschooler! At least that's how it seems sometimes.

But, because she's almost out of diapers and finally pretty much sleeping through the night (until her teeth want to bother her again I suppose) I feel ready for baby #2. When we visited our friend and I had her baby and then had Ingrid hanging on me, I swore up and down I didn't want that and I was staying with one kid. Yesterday those friends came over, and the baby is now 6 months old. Ingrid went right up and said "Hi, cute baby!" and was all in her face. I wanted to try out the mei tai I'd made so I strapped the baby in, and it felt so good! And Ingrid was hanging on my leg but I was imagining it for real and it didn't scare me so much. I know it would be hard, but I feel like I can see past the first few months of it being that way to when it would be a little easier as the baby grows, and as Ingrid grows.

And then that baby will grow up too quickly and I'll sigh and wonder where the time went...

Any News?

2010-02-12T04:08:00.000-08:00

Nope. Things are still the same here. Day after day of waking to Ingrid calling, "Mama? Mama?" Getting the coffee made, being bleary eyed while she reads her books and colors--always with the white crayon...

It's snowed and we've managed to make it out and play a couple times. I really hate it but Ingrid could spend hours sitting in the snow, stomping on ice, splashing in puddles. I'm so glad Brendan likes outside things like that. I hated sledding as a kid, I will not take her to do those types of things. Which is why I'm grateful for my husband!

This week we have not left the house once. Brendan has taken the car all week and we've kept ourselves busy at home. Lots of sewing, baking, whining, playing, sleeping, watching Yo Gabba Gabba. The usual.

Brendan has sent out his resume to a few places, though, so every day I hope he hears something. From anyone, just give me a hint where we'll end up! It's really hard to daydream when I don't know where we'll be...help a sister out.

We are planning a trip to Milwaukee, just the two of us! My mom will watch Ingrid and we're taking a train back and seeing friends and having adult time. Hooray!! Thank god for grammas, am I right?

And now today we finally get the car and are off to a Valentine's themed playdate. How exciting! Getting out of the house!! Which means I have to go take Brendan to the bus stop. Hope your day goes well :)